Daily ESM Joke!

[Aaron]

Zen Hotdog

A Zen practitioner went up to a hot dog stand and the vendor asked what he wanted. The Zen guy said,

"Make me one with everything."

[Grace]

Want some Coffee?

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Was the sex with your husband not good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Keoi]

I laughed until I spit!!!

Aloha
Keoi

[Kevin]

[Aaron]

laugh

hehe

[future pather]

Relationships

Ok this one is a slight on marriage but it's funny so I'm sharing it all in good fun:

Billy was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly
Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Billy tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old
man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail,
until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Billy.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Billy looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade....."

-Jessica

[future pather]

Funny British Signs

























-Jessica

[future pather]

From the Mouths of Babes

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minute s later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

10. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."



A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode
our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this In. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he said.

*********************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm
not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four"
***********************************

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They
were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could
tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
***********************************

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about
the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused
the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied,
"Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

***************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and
add "es".
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???)

****************************************

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The
small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant
means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently "It means
carrying a child."

********************************************

-Jessica

[future pather]

How to prank a telemarketer :

warning. dongs.

Left me in tears!

-Jessica

[Viviana]

A few laws for your amusement

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Grace]

I love this thread!!

THANK YOU JESSICA, THANK YOU VIVIANA!!!!!!

[Rin]

Did someone mention English teachers? We hear it all in our line of work, let me tell you!

This is a true story, it happened to me several months ago.

I was explaining about Western celebrations to one of my ESL kids. I asked him if he knew the significance of December 25th.

"Yes," he replied solemnly. "It's the day that Santa Claus died, right?"

Okay ... I guess you just had to be there.

[Grace]

Another Favorite of mine from Viviana!

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important to have a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important to have a man that makes you laugh.

3. It is important to have a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a man that loves and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[future pather]

Rin and Grace and all posters in this thread,

Thanks for the smiles.

Rin I thought that was funny!

Grace, with all the misundertandings between men and women this area is ripe for making jokes. I really do value relationships, but it is very good to laugh about them at times because they can be so challenging!

Jessica

[Grace]

Challenging but yet exciting!!

Hi Jessica,

You are so right!! Relationships are such a fabulous reflection of our understanding of who we are! I value my relationships so very much, and yet Laughter is such GREAT MEDICINE I can't help but make fun of not only myself but of Life in general!!