Daily ESM Joke!

[Grace]

For Al and Ingram!

Hi Al, Very Funny! Thank you, I am enjoying these jokes so much! I adore this thread for all the joy it brings. Laughter truly is medicine!


Hi Ingram! This Picture of the pumpkins is fabulous!




HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL!

[ANTIQUER]

Don't leave your booze around on Halloween!

Hi Ingram. Funny Stuff. Just wondered if this picture is of your own work?

Al.

[ANTIQUER]

Chicken recipe

Hi Grace, love to spread the joy! Here's more!


STUFFED CHICKEN RECIPE

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing -imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

4-5 lb. Chicken
1-cup melted butter
1-cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)
1-cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Lightly salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted
butter, then salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.


When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.

Al

[Ingram]

Hi Grace & Al,

Glad you liked it but sadly, no that wasn't me My sister sent it to me & I thought I might share it with my extended family

[Jamie]

LOL Al! That sounds like my kind of cooking! maybe something to try for Thanksgiving!

[ANTIQUER]

Hi Ingram; I think you especially will enjoy this one. I did!

For those that don't get it yet......a clear description.





DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Al

[ANTIQUER]

Lessons for men

Hi Grace;

Hi Al, Very Funny! Thank you, I am enjoying these jokes so much! I adore this thread for all the joy it brings. Laughter truly is medicine!

Here's are more laughs for the ladies.


Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, October 31st 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 h ours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day

[Viviana]

I dare you!!!

I dare you to watch this without grinning or laughing!!!!

Double Dare You!!



~Viviana -

[Jamie]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how t! o fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



************************************************** ******

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

[ANTIQUER]

H1 Jamie;



Good ones! Here's another for the ladies:


Only a Colorado man can make you feel like a woman!

A plane passed through a severe storm.

The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.

Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Lakewood stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time..


No one moved.


He removed his shirt.

Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped.....

Then he spoke,

'Iron this -- and get me a beer.'

Al

[Glenn]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Jamie]

Ole & Sven are on vacation in Texas and walk by a store window with the sign, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back ta Minasoda, sell 'em ta all da dumb Yermans up dere, and make a fortune!"



Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don'tcha say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin''cause if dey hear yur accent, dey might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes ta us. Now, I'll talk like I'ma Texan, so dey von't know"

Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of dem dare suits at five dollahs each, 100 of dem dare shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of dem dare trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts,( "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?" )

"Vell . yah," says a surprised Ole, "How'd ya know dat?"

The owner replies, ( "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners." )

[Grace]

Ha Ha Ha, Thank you Al!

H1 Jamie;



Good ones! Here's another for the ladies:


Only a Colorado man can make you feel like a woman!

A plane passed through a severe storm.

The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.

Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Lakewood stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time..


No one moved.


He removed his shirt.

Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped.....

Then he spoke,

'Iron this -- and get me a beer.'

Al

"cause this here's a Dry-Cleaners" Great one Jamie!

[Ahimsa]

A funny video of kitties getting into some trouble (or causing some!)

YouTube - Funny Cats Compilation- Hilarious

[Sephiroth]

The Funniest Joke in the World

YouTube - Monty Python - The Funniest Joke In The World