Chinese Energetic Medicine by Grace

[Blake]

tahnks Zgirl!

Yes. I do understand. You are right on piont. That izzz the solution... Lay down my arms...end the inner battle....I do see its all about the forgiveness and seeing the oneness, my perfection, my creation. Ive just been caught in my delusion for so long...to keep writing all this I am trusting there is a perfection to my imperfection. I do think I am starting to accept myself much more ...just as I am. Pre-enlightenment. Phase one believer still and everything.

I dont "think" I am hiding my "queerness" from anyone... outside...intentionally. (myself still yes.) I dont wear it on my sleeve though, either. Everyone close to me knows. All my immediate co-workers know. Its kinda just a joke (in a good way) if I ever bring it up. I really dont want to get overly serious or personal about it except with good friends...or if i feel it might help someone. I am a wierd case. That said, theres still a connection/fear that it might be a byproduct of the abuse. So walla! Shame. I dont know, It also feels sooo deep that theres maybe past life stuff playing out too. I believe I am hiding from myself.

So i do harbor those judgements you were talking about. Strangely They have not been reflected back to me in the form of attitudes of those around me-that I am aware of. That might be because of my hermitness and self imposed sheltered lifestyle. Or maybe there is grace involved. For years I have had the growing awareness that the outside is all just a metaphore of my inner state. I think though that in this spiritual quest that we open the door for grace/God/my highest self to bring to us people and situations that dont fit our subconcious patterns. Love shining in from the outside even if it isnt (sub)conciously created. I think thats grace (Grace with the big G too! ).I feel I have had a lot of that in my life. And I'm becoming more and more aware...and grateful for it the farther I come.

Alternately... I see so much in the militant fight for gay rights that the real fight isnt on the outside...and it really isnt a fight... Its just a reflection of the beliefs, the wounds, the fears that I/we are carying from our past...I do believe that mindset creates its own battles. If I/we truely loved and accepted ourselves then there would be no need to "fight"...no need to win approval from the outside...our/my self acceptance would shine out rather thatn our internalized homophobia. (it is still good to work towards equality reflected on the outside in the laws and such. But not with the energy of a "fight"). I do think there is a type of PTSD or low grade but constant stress many/most gay kids grow up with in our culture. Especially in fundamentally religious families. If one dosent have or learn good coping skills (to love and forgive?) then I think it can turn into "battle mode".

Maybe all this is just Phase I ramblings. I believe there are many homos who know truely how to love and there is compassion exibited everywhere by "gay" people all the time. Like you said though SJ, if I'm caught up in my own self judgement I am am much less likely to see/attract those with compassion to me or I overlook them... When I finally embrace the "Truth"of it all, I know I will see the the perfection of everything including myself...and judgement and duality will fall away... And perhaps I might be able to help others find that too.

The reason I posted my request was that my intelectual understanding so far hasnt created that shift in my awareness. There has always felt like this self sabotage or self derailment that unconciously kicks in when I earnestly head in the direction of truely changing my mind (and heart)...and to FEEL love for myself, forgive myself. I stop short...Ultimately i just think its my ego fighting to keep control..keep me in the lie (or "phase one"). It dosent want to die along with the illusion....I think it was Kim J that talked about this inner battle too...I think PATHS has helped me grow stronger now. Maybe now I have the rescources and an inner strength I didnt before to walk through the resistance. To ask for help. To let myself recieve it.

The discription and results of CEM and what Grace is offering here seemed to be a possible key to fit that unknown lock. Finding the causal seed thought/beliefe in my conciousness thats creating this whole...illusion. From what I am experienceing so far I think there is truely something to this! Grace, what ever work and healing and study youve done to learn and master this method... and then choose to share it here... I am deeply grateful!!!

I do see this ( and you all) as a stepping stone to me reclaiming the Truth and the Power with in myself. And owning the responsibility to it all. And forigiving Everything. But I think in my asking for help...admitting I need help ...being honest to others, (even if it is just about my perception of the illusion)...and sticking around to recieve the help and love.... is important for me to experience at this time...one of those eggs i think. So i asked...again. I'm justifying huh?...theres still shame there, hmmm.

SJ,Thanks for your response! I am so happy for you with your new job and the apt and rental aid and prospects for your art!!!!!!! You have such an interesting and powerful story to share with others about how all this "mumbo jumbo" can really work...starting from where ever we're at!

keep up the joy. Your great!
Blake

[Grace]

For Blake!

Hello Grace!
Thank you for everything! All you've done (are doing?) I am sure still is integrating and reforming me and my mind. I get a bit overzealous sometimes when things connect with me or work for me....I feel I need to maintain my truth and an even mind in these situations. I can get carried away with expectations and hopes rather than... be.

Ive had a couple core-false-beliefs surface the past few days and wanted to ask for your help in clearing. Theyre around love and the food thing.

!st the love idea. I think I know some of the love fear...maybe this is already being washed from my consciousness with all your doing...anyway I have always been attracted to men. I'm not to fond of that "gay" word. So easy to be a box. THe attraction feels like heart mind and soul (as well as labido) but I question it. Especially with my past. I seem to fit so many of those catigories the ultra religious says "causes" one to be homo inclined...not the least of which the abuse.

I don't know if its nature or nurture or a mix. I have heard some other cultures believe in and embrace a "third sex". They think there are gifts inherent in having such an orientation and honor them for their contributions. This really feels true to me. However, I haven't let myself feel that for myself. I think I also imbibed a bunch of shame and guilt from watching tv evangelists as a kid? (My family wasn't religious but I was really curious...and they sounded so passionate!) and just the culture we live in. Eternal damnation if I am wrong is a scary threat for a kids mind to wrestle with.

My deepest feeling is we aren't men and women were spirit. Our spirit dosent have a sex. So why should it matter? especially if one is on a spiritual path. Unless they/we are still sooo attached to this physical illusion and duality, like Adrianne reminded me ...and I guess I have been... quite that.

Then theres the fear of rejection...for just being me. I used to think it was a tiny part of myself and not something to attach an identity to. The non-identity thing I still believe but I dont think anymore its a tiny or unimportant part of myself. Because its all about my love, my heart and how or if I express it. The more I am understanding this wholeness of it all I think when I with-hold the expression of my love in one area of my life its bound to affect all other "parts" of me and my life...(as The Creator of it all....the whole universe? :surprise: Im sorry universe!!! please forgive me!!! ) Then theres the honesty thing. "To thyn own self be true"...

Well thats another egg!

Also.... from my past, attached to the love thing is:
a) I have a belief I always hurt the people I love the most...especially when I try to help...
b)I can never do enough to make/keep them happy...I guess thats the illusion that its my job in the first place...
c)that leads to fear of loosing myself in caring for others needs and minimizing/ignoring my own
and
d)fear of abandonment....especially if they saw "the real me"...ect

Maybe all this is wrapped up in your corrections already but I felt i needed to put a voice to them specifically to clear my heart/mind of these "samskaras" (false beliefs)...

The other thing was from a dream a couple nights ago. Its kina funny now that I know what its about but it was disturbing to wake up to. Anyway can you help make corrections for me to give up entirely flour, sugar(except fruit) and Meat! Maybe I am wrong but I believe I keep getting messages to do the FA program (except right before i typed FA i kicked out the keyboard cord from the computer! )I...the spiritual stuff Im drawn to sooo emphasizes cultivating inner discipline... dont know of any other thing right now that would teach that to me soo thoroughly and I think quickly... and I might also be able to help others with all this stuff that I am learning? My biggest fear is in finding the best fit for a sponsor... I would get to work on so many of my core issues...& It'd give the new PATHS me a serious test drive...

Could you test this for me and do some corrections if it is a right path...Thank you!

Its funny what you said about the light..I thought I was asking for soo much.... I prayed that you would recieve back at least tenfold the energy and love you put into my corrections. Thats silly...why ten? I now amp it up to 100 fold!!!!!! God Bless You Grace!!!

Blake

Your Prayers for me, Blake, have warmed my soul! Just as if I were on the beach sun-bathing in the beauty and abundance of a perfect day! I am so happy and grateful!! Thank you!

As you look around with your physical eyes, you see the past, that which you have already manifested, this is why the "outer" world is an illusion. The past has no power over you.

This is why the hardest work you will ever do is to focus on your true nature (in this moment and hence in every moment) with immense gratitude for who you are and what you are created from. YOU are magnificent infinite potential and a conscious creative being.

Now, with this constant "knowing" you can ONLY create Perfection. YOU will only "SEE" Perfection. Therefore, you will deeply understand that all that you are BEING is Perfection. All what you are feeling is Perfection. Who you desire will be perfect, Who you attract will be perfect, What you experience in every moment is Perfection!

There is no problem in existence that does not already have within it the perfect solution! With this consciousness, this way of being, is Peace. In Peace, you will ALWAYS choose correctly, because you will only KNOW perfection. I will say again that this IS the hardest work you will ever do, because at first it takes Practice! Much Practice. Daily Practice to maintain this awareness.

Now it may seem that I am not answering your questions, but I am, YOU must see the outer world for what it is, a tool, a reflection, for you to KNOW THYSELF, but it does not define you. You already know who you are. A Divine manifestation of your God-self. Your physical body is a tool of your true nature to express DIVINITY!

From this truth, you can begin again to mold and form the outer world to your perfect reflection. The more you understand who you are, and raise your awareness to pure consciousness, the more you will master your destiny.

"My deepest feeling is we aren't men and women were spirit. Our spirit dosent have a sex."


This is the absolute truth. We are Gods. No Duality. Duality is man-made. Yet within this "Dualistic world" lies the perfect answer from the hypnotic spell of Dualism, and this is to know that FREEDOM exists.

"The more I am understanding this wholeness of it all I think when I with-hold the expression of my love in one area of my life its bound to affect all other "parts" of me and my life..."

Remember that forgetting who you are in any moment, is withholding unconditional love from every aspect of your being, and this affects the whole universe.

"Also.... from my past, attached to the love thing is:
a) I have a belief I always hurt the people I love the most...especially when I try to help...
b)I can never do enough to make/keep them happy...I guess thats the illusion that its my job in the first place...
c)that leads to fear of loosing myself in caring for others needs and minimizing/ignoring my own
and
d)fear of abandonment....especially if they saw "the real me"...ect

Maybe all this is wrapped up in your corrections already but I felt i needed to put a voice to them specifically to clear my heart/mind of these "samskaras" (false beliefs)..."

Yes! You are ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! You know that these are False Beliefs! So now, in every powerful moment, focus on what you know is the truth, and what thoughts and ideas bring you joy. When you catch yourself focusing on something that does not bring you joy, just bring your awareness back to what does bring you joy! Focus on what you are grateful for, this is so powerful yet few people put there power to good use in this simple manner.

"...the spiritual stuff Im drawn to sooo emphasizes cultivating inner discipline... dont know of any other thing right now that would teach that to me soo thoroughly and I think quickly... and I might also be able to help others with all this stuff that I am learning? My biggest fear is in finding the best fit for a sponsor... I would get to work on so many of my core issues..."

I test a 76% probability that Fa program will serve you. Anything over 51% I have found to be of service and helpful. The inner discipline that you speak of is what I also am speaking of when I write "focus on what serves you" nothing less. Intense laser like focus will bring you the greatest rewards, but also takes the most effort. With practice each day, you will notice your outer world shifting so quickly that it will seem miraculous!! Focusing in every moment on the truth of who you are will inevitably bring you immense Joy! Which is your Divine Inheritance which has already been set up for YOU!


Please Remember that my physical body does nothing, It is our God-self that is aligned with the truth. Chinese Energetic Medicine and other Healing modalities are tools and gifts given to us by this infinite power. My Higher self and Yours are ONE! We are ONE.


"The past is history, the future a mystery, but this moment is a gift and why it is called the present" Deepak Chopra

[S.J]

Hi everyone! It's been a long time, and I feel as though I've grown 110% in this time and had some major healings on me and now I feel better than in a good year or so I just wanted to say thank you to Grace and everyone on this thread, who gave me the good vibes in 2007.

I'd like to please ask for a healing on my grandad's back pain. He's in his 80's and in absolute agony. Any good vibes his way would sure be appreciated immensely.

Thank You so much

Wishing you all the best on your journeys

[zartgirl]

Blake...

Okay this may sound a little weird to you at firsts... but did you know that people only judge you as much as you judge yourself! If you create people in your life who judge you because you are gay, then you will get judged! On the otherhand sweety, if you choose to create people in your life who don't care about your sexual preference... Then you won't get judged!

My first observation in your post last night was that you are the one who is judging you, as of right now, because no-one else knows your preference. Well... at least that is what you think (that no-one knows people are much more perceptive than you would every know). Wow! There is a thought... some of the people you associate with and are afraid of telling them because they might judge you... already know! When I had an eating disorder similar to bulimia... I was afraid to tell anyone, but I really was not fooling anyone, but myself, and once I actually opened up to someone I found out that she was struggling against the same exact thing (except she threw up, instead of exercising for 8 to 10 hours after a binge on top of an already heavy routine workout). We tend to circle with like kinds, and I bet you will find that some of those around you are not all that different from you. Really in truly, I went to fashion design school, and can remember sitting in sidewalk cafes at lunchtime, and watching the all the hot men go by with a few of my gay men friends.

My point is... don't judge! Especially yourself! Once you come to terms with yourself and who you are... You will love who you are! And if you love who you are, then nobody cares who you are! But if you are not okay with who you are, then you will bring judgement down upon yourself! My feeling is that some of the issues you have with food are tied to the emotional issues you have with yourself and the judgement you cast on yourself! Judge nothing! Nothing is either bad or good... it just is!

Ahhhh Man! I hope this makes sense! Oh by the way, outside of San Francisco... I worked a year or two ago at a store where there were several women who were gay! They were very open with it (Well they did not flont it to the customers, but to the other employees it was well known) They were totally accepted there, because they accepted themselves. As a matter of fact I look forward to having one of them and her girlfriend come over to my new house when I get moved in to it. So accept yourself for who you are! It is a TRUST issue again! seems to be a theme here LOL

Blessings Sallyjane

[zartgirl]

OMG! This is soooo exciting...

Okay, as I mentioned earlier, I got a job that will pay enough to get me into housing and get me started over! Out of the shelter, and still allow me some money to get my faeries up on the web, and be able to paint. I start that next tuesday, and it may be even better as I may end up being a supervisor or in HR or Operations and make a little more money.

The cool part is yesterday, My new bolder self went to the Housing Authority and talked the gaurd dog (receptionist, who is very good at her job) into giving me an appt. with the person in charge of my voucher for section 8 housing. So today I went in and he sat down with me and went through my file and said everything looks really good! He has everything he needs and I will be getting a letter the end of this week, for next weeks apointment invitation. Once I have that then I can go ahead and rent a place and starting March 1 they will pick up most of my rent, and utilities... So out of 1000.00 per month I pay like 300 -400 a month. I can go ahead and after next weeks appointment and sign a lease and the likes! That will get me off of at least the cash assistance (which my x husband will be paying back for a long time to the state). Hehehe! He does not know that yet! LOL This means I will have a place to paint again!!!! Ofcourse, we may be sitting on pillows in the living room on the floor, but I get my bed from the X, so I am happy... He might have a couch to sit on, but I will have a bed to sleep in! LOL

Things are looking up major time... All is perfect! I have created all of this in my life...

Oh yes and I am starting to attract more graphic design jobs!!!! Yeahhhooo! Pretty soon I will have created my life without welfare, but you know I really have appreciated the help I have gotten this last 6 mos. through my transition!

Blessings Sallyjane zartgirl

[Blake]

Ok Ok Ok

Never mind on the food program. I think its getting clearer. I'm still trying to push the river. must let go. Trust. All is well. Change dosent have to be hard.
Its sinking in finally.

Blake

[Blake]

Love!


Hello Grace!
Thank you for everything! All you've done (are doing?) I am sure still is integrating and reforming me and my mind. I get a bit overzelous sometimes when things connect with me or work for me....I feel I need to maintain my truth and an even mind in these situations. I can get carried away with expectations and hopes rather than... be.

Ive had a couple core-false-beliefs surface the past few days and wanted to ask for your help in clearing. Theyre around love and the food thing.

!st the love idea. I think I know some of the love fear...maybe this is already being washed from my conciousness with all your doing...anyway I have always been attracted to men. I'm not to fond of that "gay" word. So easy to be a box. THe attraction feels like heart mind and soul (as well as labido) but I question it. Especially with my past. I seem to fit so many of those catigories the ultra religious says "causes" one to be homo inclined...not the least of which the abuse.

I dont know if its nature or nurture or a mix. I have heard some other cultures believe in and embrace a "third sex". They think there are gifts inherant in having such an orientation and honor them for their contributions. This really feeels true to me. However, I havent let myself feel that for myself. I think I also imbibed a bunch of shame and guilt from watching tv evangilists as a kid? (My family wasnt religious but I was really curious...and they sounded so passionate!) and just the culture we live in. Eternal damnation if I am wrong is a scary threat for a kids mind to wrestle with.

My deepest feeling is we arent men and women were spirit. Our spirit dosent have a sex. So why should it matter? expecially if one is on a spiritual path. Unless they/we are still sooo attached to this physical illusion and duality, like Adrianne reminded me ...and I guess I have been... quite that.

Then theres the fear of rejection...for just being me. I used to think it was a tiny part of myself and not something to attach an identity to. The non-identity thing I still believe but I dont think anymore its a tiny or unimportant part of myself. Because its all about my love, my heart and how or if I express it. The more I am understanding this wholeness of it all I think when I with-hold the expression of my love in one area of my life its bound to affect all other "parts" of me and my life...(as The Creator of it all....the whole universe? Im sorry universe!!! please forgive me!!! ) Then theres the honesty thing. "To thyn own self be true"...

Well thats another egg!

Also.... from my past, attached to the love thing is:
a) I have a belief I always hurt the people I love the most...expecially when I try to help...
b)I can never do enough to make/keep them happy...I guess thats the illusion that its my job in the first place...
c)that leads to fear of loosing myself in caring for others needs and minimizing/ignoring my own
and
d)fear of abandonment....expecially if they saw "the real me"...ect

Maybe all this is wrapped up in your corrections already but I felt i needed to put a voice to them specifically to clear my heart/mind of these "samskaras" (false beliefs)...

The other thing was from a dream a couple nights ago. Its kina funny now that I know what its about but it was disturbing to wake up to. Anyway can you help make corrections for me to give up entirely flour, sugar(except fruit) and Meat! Maybe I am wrong but I believe I keep getting messages to do the FA program (except right before i typed FA i kicked out the keyboard cord from the computer! )...the spiritual stuff Im drawn to sooo emphasizes cultivating inner discipline...I dont know of any other thing right now that would teach that to me soo thoroughly and I think quickly... and I might also be able to help others with all this stuff that I am learning? My biggest fear is in finding the best fit for a sponsor... I would get to work on so many of my core issues...& It'd give the new PATHS me a serious test drive...

Could you test this for me and do some corrections if it is a right path...Thank you!

Its funny what you said about the light..I thought I was asking for soo much.... I prayed that you would recieve back at least tenfold the energy and love you put into my corrections. Thats silly...why ten? I now amp it up to 100 fold!!!!!! God Bless You Grace!!!

Blake

[Bobi]

Hi Bobi,


After reading this post, I tested for how much does your mother want YOU to need her! It tested 100% strong. So it seems that she is busy with other people, but it is YOU that brings her the most joy to be of service! Ask for her advice often, and find ways that you are certain that she has helped you in your life, and remind her of these moments often. I will continue with corrections for all concerned. Much love to you and your dear MOM!

Grace,
I'm not surprised by your testing - we do have a good time together and we often note with appreciation the (seemingly) rare gift of enjoying each other as friends - along with my sister as well. Mom knows I hold her in high regard (though there is that pooh-pooh and "really?" dicotomy ) and I appreciate her immensely - still, I get caught up in my own life. Thanks for the clue to keep an eye, ear and heart to letting her know (with specifics) how I treasure her. We never stop being mothers, eh?

[nadine]

Nadine!

You have touched my heart more than you'll ever know!! I have to admit when I first read your post on Friday, I did not see "for yourself"! Now that I have come back to reply, I realized that you were requesting corrections for ME!

I will most definitely do these corrections for you, and I thank you from the deepest part of my BEING! WE ARE ONE!

Grace, is that ever nice of you to say!! Thank you!

Nadine

[KimJ]

Just love this thread....

Ohhhhh, I just have to express how much I love this thread!!! I decided to check it this morning and instantly on reading the latest posts I just get this buzzing feeling - it is just so infused with wonderful energy!!!! I practically had to tear myself away from it! LOL

Anyway, your posts Blake and Sallyjane are brilliant and I can so identify with what you both say. Funny you mention the Artists Way, Blake, as I just heard that book yesterday while I was listening to Flowdreaming on Hayhouse. She recommended that book yesterday too. I love what you say about the boxes too - that is so me as well, though I'm sure everyone really.... Find that that box doesn't fit anymore so let me find a different one... such all or nothing thinking....

Grace, thanks so much for making corrections on the heart racing issue. I'm not sure if there's been a difference yet but I haven't at least woken up hearing it so that's wonderful!

Anyway, I just wanted to express my immense gratitude for this thread and all of you for sharing yourselves here!!!

Kim

[zartgirl]

Blake

Blake,
First I will look for the book you metioned for artists! It sounds awesome! I have found the more I become who I have always been the less I have creative blocks, as a matter of fact I am back to that stage I was when I was a kid. I will really enjoy reading the book!

The space between the words! You know my calligraphy teacher use to say that the white space between the words is often as important if not more important than the words them selves!!! Wow! Isn't that powerful! I often try to tell people that my favorite music is the music in the silence, and usually they have no idea what that means! I do listen to music in my car, but when I am at home and especially when I am working in my creative space I do not listen to music... As a matter of fact, there could be a major party going on in the room next door, and all kinds of ruckus going on and I would not even know it! I go into my own little space... my creative space or world. The silence is can be anywhere... even with noise around! It is the now here place. There is a beautiful music in the NOW... most people never experience it because they are to busy drowning it out! Most people are afraid of the silence because they are afraid they might see who they really are! If they only knew how wonderful they are! Yes, his energy does come through his book! Unfortunately, mine is someplace where I can not find it, but as soon I get moved out of the shelter, into housing I will find it!

As far as the eating thing... It will heal itself in time! Try to not get all tied up in rules or what the world thinks is right! Remember you are righting your reality, and you can write any way you want to! I was getting all wrapped up in my eating habits again and worrying about my weight, and then I talked to a friend... and he reminded me of that! I have decided to just work on the issues that come up that are core issues and let my weight and my food work themselves out! Turns out I realized my consuming thought and worries about how I eat was the EGG!

It sounds like you are doing great, and on a great path! Don't put too much pressure on yourself to travel faster or whatever agenda your ego mind can come up with! Just enjoy the eggs as they come up... listen between the words to the silence. Be in the NOW!
Oh and GRATITUDE, GRATITUDE, GRATITUDE!!!! For all you have created in the past and all you are creating now!

You are AWESOME! Blessings Sallyjane zartgirl

[Blake]

Grace and all angels here!

This week has been Amazing, wierd, emotional, peaceful, exciting and full of hope and grattitude!!!!!!!!!! That joy and happiness tapered off after a few days. The honeymoon phase was replaced with a "charged peace" then events that triggered some major passionate feelings around what I realized were some of my EGGS!

Its funny! There was the opposit of an aversion to feeling them. They came in such packages/events that I was sort of magnetically drawn to participate and feel them deeply. Afterward when I tried the BL process(again no feeling...well feeling silly) and looked to see what in me it was reflecting I saw they were core beliefes I had from events that I wrote to you all about.

Very benign incidents but the perfect buttons to trigger my feelings of not being believed and rejection...and also later that day a moment of speaking my truth and feeling my feelings infront of many coworkers in a hospital wide forum. Major shame after that one and emotions. After as I was trying to do my job I asked myself for some reasurance or unsolicited conformation that what I shared was apropriate or good. Then just a bit later I did the I love you, I'm sorry, Forgive me, Thank you in a stair well... I only said them all once and all of a sudden the door opens and a long-timer coworker I really respect walked in to go upstairs. When we passed eachother he paused and thanked me sincerely for what I said in the meeting ...He said it was valuable for everyone to hear and he thought good for me as well. I paused to let it sink in and thanked him then had to keep walking so I didnt break down in tears infront of him ... Feelings...wow...I dont know how much power I reclaimed from them but it felt like a beginning.

On the lighter side I have been waking up really early....like 4 am...just... walla, I'm awake and not tired(my sleep mod is set for 5:30?)... so Ive been doing this long morning chant I havent done in years. Even a tiny bit of meditation! Since youve started the corrections its felt like most of the resistance and heaviness Ive felt thats kept me from reading some spiritual stuff and chanting and meditating...doing my morning "practices"...that I almost never have been able to do regularly has dissapeared. I have had more desire and willingness to do some major self care stuff. Not the food thing yet though. To be reading and not get distracted or have the peace to sit through a long chant is soo brilliant...a miracle for me. the beginings of self disciplin??? Its not even that though. I feel like I want to do it. Its just a choice...no struggle or resistance. I know these things hold major long term benificial goodness for me...Ive alway felt I didnt deserve what they gave me or some other version of not worthiness. Thank you for the corrections!!!! . The short term pleasures are still a bit pesky but they dont feel as distracting. I can refocus at my will...amazing.

Thank you for those kind words and for seeing my light!!! I havent seen that light... yet. You know I think I must give myself credit though. I must be a TOTAL master at creating the phase one game board/playing field! Cuz I forgot good!!! Its reasuring to know others can see the "real" me

thanks

Love peace Blake

[Grace]

For Bobi!

Thank you for your thoughts and ideas. Yes, some people age early while others are ageless. Hope to be in the latter group myself.

I'm thinking maybe the need is to help mom find clear certainty that continued service down the road will still happen when she can’t drive or if her eyesight goes will be possible. (Well, that and helping her care for herself and home as long as possible.) There is something I can’t quite put my finger on -a sense of mission maybe –that would act as template for life along the way. And yet, these are already her gifts – now, every day. Oh crap – I’m at a loss for words. What is the *zing* I felt and how do I respond to it?

When I say it’s hard to keep up with my mom it’s quite true. She… volunteers as for Team Reading at a local grade school. Spends 3 hours Wednesday nights at her church being a “table mom” and “comfort person” during Logos –(which she dresses up for. Last week was cowboy theme. She was so darn CUTE! in her red cowboy hat and red kerchief! ). She has two (three?) weekly study groups, one of which meets at her house at 8:30 in the morning and the other she goes to at 6:00 in the morning . She calls on sick and ailing friends – hail and hearty ones too. Calls across the country checking on family. Has occasional dinners or breakfasts for: the widow ladies, the guys who built her fence and their wives, the electrician guy, someone’s birthday or whoever/whatever reason comes to mind and loves to host out-of-town guests and holiday meals. She’s a Red Hatter. Visits with neighbors, hires kids for small jobs, greets on Sunday mornings, attends all grandchildren events, and does a myriad of “little” things like occasionally watch the associate pastors children some Sunday mornings so they don’t have to be at church from 7am – 1pm or calls on an old neighbor who recluses himself. She loves people and learning new things so attends: a special event at the MCC (gay church), a multi-denominational potluck dinner and joining in open discussion about sharing ideals w/our children from Muslims, Jews, and UU’s perspectives. And the list goes on.

Service, connection and love are what mom does so it seems kind of funny to look for ways for her to continue – and still, it rings true to do so. I just don’t yet understand my part in this. She is, at long last, beginning to accept that these things she does and the way she touches lives are special gifts, and yes, perhaps she does make a difference and maybe a “calling” can be such a simple thing as being who you already are. Such talk makes her tear up.

Her getting “hinky” might cut into her ways – or will it? - so it gets my attention more readily.

Gosh – didn’t intend to rattle on or give mom’s whole dossier but appreciate the opportunity to think aloud and draw from the collective wonder of this forum.

With much gratitude,
Bobi

Hi Bobi,


After reading this post, I tested for how much does your mother want YOU to need her! It tested 100% strong. So it seems that she is busy with other people, but it is YOU that brings her the most joy to be of service! Ask for her advice often, and find ways that you are certain that she has helped you in your life, and remind her of these moments often. I will continue with corrections for all concerned. Much love to you and your dear MOM!

[Blake]

Zart Girl

Thanks for the encouragement. I have recently found E. Tolle in a used book store ...on CD! The Power of Now...well most of it . It was missing one cd. Its like nectar listening to it. Ive been going to sleep by it a lot as if it were a lullaby. If you havent herard him in audio book I highly recommend it! He talks with such peace and evenness and power. You can feel his energy. I go all buzzy sometimes when I listen to him... especially at first when I started...I think like he says about the space...knoticing the space...the no thing everywhere... we can concentrate on the space in the room or between the words of someone talking and that can still our mind...(OH! we should tell SJ about that...thats right she said she has his book(s)) SJ! remember the space! Anyway its almost like the space between his words is supercharged. Dose his books do the same thing? Like that Ho'oponopono guy said in an interview...our energy is imbedded in what we write or create and as we raise our energy then everything that we have created boosts up and carries our new vibration along with it.
I think hes got some serious vibes goin on!! I gather hes teaching from a place of pure knowing.

Have you heard of the book called the Artists Way by Julia Cameron??? I think It might help in your art and new buisness. Its a process more than a book. Very playful but full of hearty wisdom about the artist plight and joy. Lots of little simple excersizes to unblock more and more of our creativity and deepen our connection with the "Great Creator".... which I know now just happens to be YOU!....and Moxie...and Pammie.... ...and so on and so on...and Me! It's a great help in finding more flow and creating more syncronicity in all parts of our life!!

I see them alot in used book stores! it was a 90's book i think. Timeless in its wisdom!!

Thanks again for your kind wise and powerful words!

& Blake

[Blake]

Hello Adrianne

Thanks for YOur broader perspective. I do so get caught up in right/wrong...where as "is it useful for me" is soo much more...useful. That whole duality thing and being mezmerized by the outside rather than looking inside....thanks. as much as I feign labels and boxes I do seen to keep taking myself out of one and putting my self in another...maybe bigger but a box just the same. I never have been a "joiner" I think for the "box" reason but tht dosent mean I escape them. I do think your right..i mean useful...about the 12 step groups being so boxy. Hello my name is___and I'm a _____...? I think its been a saving grace for me at times though to just be there and speak and be supported.... Maybe there are other ways to be in community and other circles to share so honestly in like that... I feel like thats a basic human need, to be heard by the tribe... I think forums like this are a part of meeting that need.

Have you met/heard of Gloria Bennish? She wrote a book called "Go within or Go without." ...funny you should say that. Shes a healer/teacher, funny gal extrordinaire...

thanks for your love and support and wisdom

and Blake