I have been back and forth with paths several times. And now I'm back. I'm in a different place every time. This time, I'm living with my mom and dad. Taking care of my mom because she is dying of cancer. She has stage 4 breast cancer. I would like to help her, as I have a lot of knowledge that would help but she isn't interested in my knowledge. She was a home economics teacher and she knows all about health and nutrition. Even though I know that she has a lot of misinformation, she completely disagrees. Same with my sister. She has Crohns disease. But when she is having problems, she eats a lot of crackers and breads and things that are "easier" on her stomach.
I was living in Roscoe Illinois last year, near Rockford. I was looking for a job for nearly a year, and never found one. I had my children with me. My older daughter, Amber had wanted to live with her father. I let her until shortly after she moved there she ran off. I was angry because he let her run off. She was fifteen. She had many problems with self injury and possible bi polar behavior. Her father tends to let her do what ever she wants. She was in alternative school, skipping school days and hanging around with people I wasn't fond of. So I made her move back in with me.
She was angry. But she loved me so much that she had to find a way to forgive me. In the mean time I put her in school. She was not skipping because I wouldn't let her. But she was very behind on all her work. I grounded her and took everything away and told her that when she caught up with everything, she could start having a life again. She was even angrier because she was convinced that she could not possibly catch up, especially in math. She didn't understand math and that's why she didn't do it. I told her, do it anyway.
So she did all her work sheets and math homework, starting at the beginning and believe it or not, she GOT it and she caught up and passed all her classes and even got good grades. She forgave me again. And she got her life back.
I know she can get good grades because she is extremely intelligent. She scores very high on all of the standardized tests. 90th percentile or higher on everything. Even math. But because she scores the lowest in math, she "sucks" at it. She gets this from my father. He is also very intelligent. And a very good man.
My other daughter, Jewel was thriving in school. She has issues also, but she deals with them differently.
I lost the home that we were staying in. It was still summer so I moved in with a friend. But when the school year started rolling around I was in a bind because I didn't like the school system there. It wasn't a good area for kids. So I let them go to school at their dad's. It is the school system that they attended before we went to Roscoe. So I felt better about them not having to start in a "new" school again. In the mean time, I moved in with my mom and dad.
Amber is happy. She is doing well in school. She is getting along well with her dad. She is enjoying her social life. Jewel on the other hand is miserable. She does not get along with her dad. She is doing well in school and doing well socially but at home there are big problems. He is very hard on her, while still allowing Amber to get away with things. Amber knows how to get what she wants from him. Jewel doesn't. Every day she calls me and complains about how he's acting and treating her. I lived with him for seven years so I know that most of what she says is consistent with how he is. He is also drinking which is also consistent with how he is. He tries to hide it, but not very well.
So as soon as summer rolls around, Jewel will once again be with me full time and Amber will continue to be with her dad. I told her before they went there for the school year, that if she wasn't consistent with her grades and home work etc. that I would once again, pull her out of there. Well, she's been doing very well. So even though I don't have her full time, I can still influence her and I am still a very big part of her life. Also, she is 16 and has grown up a lot in the last year.
I have a part time job which in a couple of weeks will either be full time, or be no job at all. I am pretty confident it will be full time. In which case, my sister and I will be looking at apartments close to here, so we can still be here but have our own space. And I want Jewel to go to school here because its a very good system.
It's been a while and I am getting back on some mods and getting active with PATHS again. I have been through a lot. A lot has happened since I was here last. But things are getting back on track again and I think I am ready for all the things I have been trying to do. I mean, I think all that I've been through has just been a way for me to get rid of some baggage and grow up a little and get myself where I'm open enough to even benefit from PATHS. So, I'm starting some new mods and we shall see what happens. I got four for now and hopefully I will be able to get more soon. I got eat right, Financial peace, X mod and successful living 1. There are so many to choose from, it's hard to narrow it down. But I think these are the ones that I need the most right now.
I think there's some truth in that statement. I don't know why but that phrase has been bouncing around my head for the past couple of days.
I had a couple of things to mention. First of all I haven't been feeling any resentment or anger today. I think that now that I've realized I feel that way, I am able to let it go. Also, I realized that if I feel that resentment I can't allow anything to happen. I can't allow more money, when I'm mad at money or about money... or anything else, like a relationship for example. Also, if I resent needing help, that may be why I keep staying stuck in a position to need help.
I also realized that I stated that I was making the same amount of money as before, a while ago and suddenly that amount wasn't enough anymore. Same income, same bills, same spending and yet it became not enough, I couldn't pay my bills any more. And then I started making less, and it got even worse. So I decided that it doesn't matter how much money you make. And it can work either way. You can be making a small amount of money and have plenty and you can be making a large amount and not have enough. I used to think it was crazy that people who made a lot of money were struggling. I thought it was because they had more expensive stuff, bigger car payments, bigger mortgages etc. And that is true in many cases. But now I realize that it's also something else. And I decided that no matter how much money I make, it can be enough to pay my bills and have the things I want. So I'm not focusing on that anymore. I don't feel such a strong need for money anymore. Or feel the lack of it as much. We shall see how things play out I guess.
I asked for help, a nudge, some guidance. I was asking God, my spirit guides or whoever was listening. It was shortly after that that I came to that realization about the anger and resentment. I think I got what I asked for.
A couple of days ago I was going to write about hitting rock bottom, because I was feeling that way, but also fearing, that it wasn't rock bottom, that things could get even worse. Then I read the post in that thread about Moria's documents and the energy manual. I read it and tried some of the things, and felt a lot better. But I'm still not able to concentrate that much to be able to sort through the info or to do the exercises which seem to need at least two people to do anyway. I have't felt as bad though, but I haven't felt good either.
I learned about "The Secret" from a post on the chat site that I go to. I've been going to this site for years. I mean, over ten years. Not consistenly, in bursts I guess. But it's a great site where you can discuss anything spiritual, and have real conversations. Anyway, from there I found the Powerful Intentions forum which is where I learned about PATHS. I also learned about Ho'oponopono which is really fun to type. I was really into the Secret and I truly believe in the law of attraction, which I already knew about. I still believe in that law. I love PATHS.
The problem is things got worse and worse. I had just gotten divorced. So I got a job at a casino as a dealer. I was a paramedic, but I had tried to get on a fire department and couldn't do it. I got sick of humiliating myself. And I really hate private ambulance companies. Plus, I wasn't making enough money. Only now at the casino I was working nights and had a long commute so I wasn't seeing my kids much and they were home alone much more than I wanted. At first, I had enough money. But for some reason, making the same amount of money, it became not enough. I didn't understand it. I dated here and there too, always ending in disaster. One broke up with me bacause he thought I was going to break up with him. Another broke up with me because he thought I was cheating. I quit that casino, and went to a slightly closer one. Shortly after that I started dating another guy. I really liked this one. A lot. My daughter was hospitalized, and I had to call off work, one too many times, so I got fired. My boyfriend broke up with me, because he had too much on his plate. I got another job, where I'm working days. So I can be there for my daughter who was hospitalized a second time. Only I make way too little money. The money has gotten worse and worse and worse. Now I have no gas, (no heat, no laundry, no hot water). I had a check (That I was extremely grateful for) that I deposited and it bounced, but only after it had cleared and I spent it. My bank account is more than $1000 overdrawn. I also won five thousand dollars on a fake lottery ticket. (I tried to remember how it felt when I thought I had one, so I could duplicate it, and I was grateful that I knew what it felt like, but it's still not working). I barely have enough money for food and gas, let alone bills and paying off the bank account.
I've tried visualizing things, I've tried being grateful, loving, happy etc. I've had faith. I even had PATHS. But I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm in a big hole and I don't know how to get out of it. I can barely muster up any graditude about anything. I have a space heater, luckily, and I try to be grateful for that. But instead, I'm pissed off that I need it. The cats really enjoy it though. I've tried pretending like it's a fireplace. I have a couple of home businesses. Those aren't working out so well. I'm an affiliate for PATHS. I still have two customers but I haven't received anything from that in many months. I have given up so many times, but it's more like wishful thinking. I wish I could give up.
I'm constantly dreaming of what it would be like to be able to afford to go out to eat, to pay bills, to buy new clothes, to buy clothes for my kids, to replace my ripped up tattered furniture, to fix my broken mail box, even to replace all the lightbulbs I have that don't work. To buy a cd or download music. I will be giving up my internet soon also. I've decided that I can use the library internet since nothing I'm doing now is paying off. I thought I needed it, but it's time to face reality, I guess.
I titled this entry "resentment" but not because of anything that I've typed so far. I was driving home from work today and I had a lightbulb type moment. I realized that I am full of resentment. If you asked me yesterday if I was resentful I would have said no. I am thankful for what I have. What little I have. And that's the key. You see, I'm not grateful for what I have. I'm angry because I don't have anything. I believe that all people should be treated with respect and dignity. And I do that. Only I don't really respect them, because I hate them. I hate people. They are greedy, selfish, stupid, they jump to conclusions, they use you, they accuse you of things you don't do, they want things from you, etc. I love my children and I love being a mother. I do love my children. I hate being a mother. Especially a single mother. This was the part that shocked me. I realized that I hate being a mother. I resent being relied upon. I resent being looked up to. I resent having to sacrifice everything. I said, a couple of days ago, that if I didn't have kids I would be rich. Ouch. I resent just about everything in my life. I resent my cats because they want attention. I resent my ex, because he annoys the crap out of me, but I have to keep in contact because of the kids. I resent my other ex because he helps me out, and I need help. I resent needing help. I resent my mother because she left me, even though I hated her and wanted her to leave. I resent hating her. I resent my job because I need it. I resent my house because it's not really mine. I resent my car because I don't like it, but I need it and I can't get a different one. And because my ex gave it to me. For free. I resent food because I need it, and because I can't afford it sometimes, and because I eat too much of it. I resent my neighbors because I'm not friends with any of them and if I was it would just cause too much drama, but I want to be friends with them. I resent money because I need it, and don't have it. I hate people who have money. I hate people who have good relationships. I hate people who have a lot of friends. I hate people who have big families. I hate people who have mothers that they get along with and like.
OMG!! I never realized just how much resentment I have. It's immense. Unbelievable. This might just be one of the reaons why I am having such a freakin hard time. And now that I see all this, I don't know what to do about it. I have no clue. OK. I resent stuff and I'm angry. Now what? I'm flippin mad. And if my kids could sense any of that resentment, which I'm certain they can, then no wonder they are having such a hard time. I also realized that I'm a big fat liar. I lie all the time. I never speak my mind. Good thing possibly because if I did, I would probably tell just about everyone I know off. It's not outright lying, but more of a covering of the truth. I'm too nice to say what I really think, especially because I was lying to myself also and so I believed everything that I said.
So that's it I guess. I figure, that acknowledging something is the first step. Perhaps being aware will help, and perhaps allowing to process all those feelings will help me let go of them. Later.
I started the syncronicity module today. I was so very excited about this one. I watched the theatre. When I was done, I was so tired I could barely move. I felt drained and exhausted. I was already tired from working all night, but I did get eight hours of sleep. So I went and took a nap. While I was trying to sleep I felt something that I have not felt in a very long time. It used to happen several years ago and first started when I was dating my now ex-husband. My body would vibrate, I guess that's what it is. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I always felt like eventually if it got intense enough that I would be able to leave my body. That's never occured though. It didn't occur at this time either, but I know it was a result of that module. It happened several times until eventually I fell into a semi-sleep. I was having a dream about something. We were staying at my step mother's house and I was looking for something to eat, I found something that was made with avacado in it. I didn't eat it because I thought there might be some dairy in it. We were going to go to a casino and I was going to play poker. We couldn't find the car, our friends had the other car. That's all that I can remember. Now, I usually don't remember my dreams at all.
When I woke up I was laying there with my eyes closed. I could see colors and they were moving around. Like looking into a kaleidoscope. It reminded me vaguely of what it was like when I closed my eyes (back in the day) when I was "tripping." It was like having a bit of a flashback. I know that in that state, your perceptions are affected. everything comes in waves and I wondered if it was like having a glimpse into something that is normally beyond our normal perceptions. We are limited to what our perceptions are capable of and designed to perceive. While I believe that some people and maybe all people under the right circumstances can perceive beyond that, with what do we perceive? If all our senses are that limited, there must be more to perceive with than just our eyes, ears, noses and mouths, and finger tips. But also, our brain has to be able to process any input or stimulation it receives. Now with this module, I guess we are instructing our subconcious minds to communicate with ourselves in a specific, discernable way. Somehow, that info has to be incorporated into our conscious mind, thus downloaded into our brain in some way, I assume, outside of our physical senses and regular ways of receiving info. I am just wondering how that occurs. I wish I understood this better.
Anyway I tried to give myself a message. I was at work last night and I paid a bet that I shouldn't have. I didn't realize it right away until I was thinking about it a few minutes later. I almost got into trouble, but I got lucky. It was only twenty bucks. So I tried to send a message before I went to bed about not paying that bet and I tried to send all the details. The things is, I don't really understand how that's supposed to help me. And if anything were to change as a result of doing that, how would I know? That was the only thing I could think of to communicate back. Nothing else really happened that I wanted to change. For example, I forgot my cigarettes in my car and had to walk all the back, but as a result, I ran into a friend of mine. And everything else pretty much went well all day.
That's all I've got for now. It's four o'clock in the mornig. My usual bed time, because of my job, is about seven o'clock. But I'm thinking about going to bed early because I want to get some stuff done around the house and I'm planning on going out with my friend tomorrow night. And even though I took a nap earlier, I am still quite tired. This episode of X-files is quite interesting though. Maybe I'll watch it then go to bed.
Stacey
PS I remembered this, and might ask about it in the forum, but I wondered what would happen if you sent messages back to yourself about things you want to happen, like affirmations. For example you could send messages from yourself to your past self that you are prosperous and abundant, or that you will recieve money or that you will find something you are looking for, thus your past self will start to believe these things, and they will ingrained into your subconscious and conscious minds and become reality more quickly. I wonder.
