I think there's some truth in that statement. I don't know why but that phrase has been bouncing around my head for the past couple of days.
I had a couple of things to mention. First of all I haven't been feeling any resentment or anger today. I think that now that I've realized I feel that way, I am able to let it go. Also, I realized that if I feel that resentment I can't allow anything to happen. I can't allow more money, when I'm mad at money or about money... or anything else, like a relationship for example. Also, if I resent needing help, that may be why I keep staying stuck in a position to need help.
I also realized that I stated that I was making the same amount of money as before, a while ago and suddenly that amount wasn't enough anymore. Same income, same bills, same spending and yet it became not enough, I couldn't pay my bills any more. And then I started making less, and it got even worse. So I decided that it doesn't matter how much money you make. And it can work either way. You can be making a small amount of money and have plenty and you can be making a large amount and not have enough. I used to think it was crazy that people who made a lot of money were struggling. I thought it was because they had more expensive stuff, bigger car payments, bigger mortgages etc. And that is true in many cases. But now I realize that it's also something else. And I decided that no matter how much money I make, it can be enough to pay my bills and have the things I want. So I'm not focusing on that anymore. I don't feel such a strong need for money anymore. Or feel the lack of it as much. We shall see how things play out I guess.
I asked for help, a nudge, some guidance. I was asking God, my spirit guides or whoever was listening. It was shortly after that that I came to that realization about the anger and resentment. I think I got what I asked for.
A couple of days ago I was going to write about hitting rock bottom, because I was feeling that way, but also fearing, that it wasn't rock bottom, that things could get even worse. Then I read the post in that thread about Moria's documents and the energy manual. I read it and tried some of the things, and felt a lot better. But I'm still not able to concentrate that much to be able to sort through the info or to do the exercises which seem to need at least two people to do anyway. I have't felt as bad though, but I haven't felt good either.
I learned about "The Secret" from a post on the chat site that I go to. I've been going to this site for years. I mean, over ten years. Not consistenly, in bursts I guess. But it's a great site where you can discuss anything spiritual, and have real conversations. Anyway, from there I found the Powerful Intentions forum which is where I learned about PATHS. I also learned about Ho'oponopono which is really fun to type. I was really into the Secret and I truly believe in the law of attraction, which I already knew about. I still believe in that law. I love PATHS.
The problem is things got worse and worse. I had just gotten divorced. So I got a job at a casino as a dealer. I was a paramedic, but I had tried to get on a fire department and couldn't do it. I got sick of humiliating myself. And I really hate private ambulance companies. Plus, I wasn't making enough money. Only now at the casino I was working nights and had a long commute so I wasn't seeing my kids much and they were home alone much more than I wanted. At first, I had enough money. But for some reason, making the same amount of money, it became not enough. I didn't understand it. I dated here and there too, always ending in disaster. One broke up with me bacause he thought I was going to break up with him. Another broke up with me because he thought I was cheating. I quit that casino, and went to a slightly closer one. Shortly after that I started dating another guy. I really liked this one. A lot. My daughter was hospitalized, and I had to call off work, one too many times, so I got fired. My boyfriend broke up with me, because he had too much on his plate. I got another job, where I'm working days. So I can be there for my daughter who was hospitalized a second time. Only I make way too little money. The money has gotten worse and worse and worse. Now I have no gas, (no heat, no laundry, no hot water). I had a check (That I was extremely grateful for) that I deposited and it bounced, but only after it had cleared and I spent it. My bank account is more than $1000 overdrawn. I also won five thousand dollars on a fake lottery ticket. (I tried to remember how it felt when I thought I had one, so I could duplicate it, and I was grateful that I knew what it felt like, but it's still not working). I barely have enough money for food and gas, let alone bills and paying off the bank account.
I've tried visualizing things, I've tried being grateful, loving, happy etc. I've had faith. I even had PATHS. But I couldn't afford it anymore. I'm in a big hole and I don't know how to get out of it. I can barely muster up any graditude about anything. I have a space heater, luckily, and I try to be grateful for that. But instead, I'm pissed off that I need it. The cats really enjoy it though. I've tried pretending like it's a fireplace. I have a couple of home businesses. Those aren't working out so well. I'm an affiliate for PATHS. I still have two customers but I haven't received anything from that in many months. I have given up so many times, but it's more like wishful thinking. I wish I could give up.
I'm constantly dreaming of what it would be like to be able to afford to go out to eat, to pay bills, to buy new clothes, to buy clothes for my kids, to replace my ripped up tattered furniture, to fix my broken mail box, even to replace all the lightbulbs I have that don't work. To buy a cd or download music. I will be giving up my internet soon also. I've decided that I can use the library internet since nothing I'm doing now is paying off. I thought I needed it, but it's time to face reality, I guess.
I titled this entry "resentment" but not because of anything that I've typed so far. I was driving home from work today and I had a lightbulb type moment. I realized that I am full of resentment. If you asked me yesterday if I was resentful I would have said no. I am thankful for what I have. What little I have. And that's the key. You see, I'm not grateful for what I have. I'm angry because I don't have anything. I believe that all people should be treated with respect and dignity. And I do that. Only I don't really respect them, because I hate them. I hate people. They are greedy, selfish, stupid, they jump to conclusions, they use you, they accuse you of things you don't do, they want things from you, etc. I love my children and I love being a mother. I do love my children. I hate being a mother. Especially a single mother. This was the part that shocked me. I realized that I hate being a mother. I resent being relied upon. I resent being looked up to. I resent having to sacrifice everything. I said, a couple of days ago, that if I didn't have kids I would be rich. Ouch. I resent just about everything in my life. I resent my cats because they want attention. I resent my ex, because he annoys the crap out of me, but I have to keep in contact because of the kids. I resent my other ex because he helps me out, and I need help. I resent needing help. I resent my mother because she left me, even though I hated her and wanted her to leave. I resent hating her. I resent my job because I need it. I resent my house because it's not really mine. I resent my car because I don't like it, but I need it and I can't get a different one. And because my ex gave it to me. For free. I resent food because I need it, and because I can't afford it sometimes, and because I eat too much of it. I resent my neighbors because I'm not friends with any of them and if I was it would just cause too much drama, but I want to be friends with them. I resent money because I need it, and don't have it. I hate people who have money. I hate people who have good relationships. I hate people who have a lot of friends. I hate people who have big families. I hate people who have mothers that they get along with and like.
OMG!! I never realized just how much resentment I have. It's immense. Unbelievable. This might just be one of the reaons why I am having such a freakin hard time. And now that I see all this, I don't know what to do about it. I have no clue. OK. I resent stuff and I'm angry. Now what? I'm flippin mad. And if my kids could sense any of that resentment, which I'm certain they can, then no wonder they are having such a hard time. I also realized that I'm a big fat liar. I lie all the time. I never speak my mind. Good thing possibly because if I did, I would probably tell just about everyone I know off. It's not outright lying, but more of a covering of the truth. I'm too nice to say what I really think, especially because I was lying to myself also and so I believed everything that I said.
So that's it I guess. I figure, that acknowledging something is the first step. Perhaps being aware will help, and perhaps allowing to process all those feelings will help me let go of them. Later.
I started the syncronicity module today. I was so very excited about this one. I watched the theatre. When I was done, I was so tired I could barely move. I felt drained and exhausted. I was already tired from working all night, but I did get eight hours of sleep. So I went and took a nap. While I was trying to sleep I felt something that I have not felt in a very long time. It used to happen several years ago and first started when I was dating my now ex-husband. My body would vibrate, I guess that's what it is. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I always felt like eventually if it got intense enough that I would be able to leave my body. That's never occured though. It didn't occur at this time either, but I know it was a result of that module. It happened several times until eventually I fell into a semi-sleep. I was having a dream about something. We were staying at my step mother's house and I was looking for something to eat, I found something that was made with avacado in it. I didn't eat it because I thought there might be some dairy in it. We were going to go to a casino and I was going to play poker. We couldn't find the car, our friends had the other car. That's all that I can remember. Now, I usually don't remember my dreams at all.
When I woke up I was laying there with my eyes closed. I could see colors and they were moving around. Like looking into a kaleidoscope. It reminded me vaguely of what it was like when I closed my eyes (back in the day) when I was "tripping." It was like having a bit of a flashback. I know that in that state, your perceptions are affected. everything comes in waves and I wondered if it was like having a glimpse into something that is normally beyond our normal perceptions. We are limited to what our perceptions are capable of and designed to perceive. While I believe that some people and maybe all people under the right circumstances can perceive beyond that, with what do we perceive? If all our senses are that limited, there must be more to perceive with than just our eyes, ears, noses and mouths, and finger tips. But also, our brain has to be able to process any input or stimulation it receives. Now with this module, I guess we are instructing our subconcious minds to communicate with ourselves in a specific, discernable way. Somehow, that info has to be incorporated into our conscious mind, thus downloaded into our brain in some way, I assume, outside of our physical senses and regular ways of receiving info. I am just wondering how that occurs. I wish I understood this better.
Anyway I tried to give myself a message. I was at work last night and I paid a bet that I shouldn't have. I didn't realize it right away until I was thinking about it a few minutes later. I almost got into trouble, but I got lucky. It was only twenty bucks. So I tried to send a message before I went to bed about not paying that bet and I tried to send all the details. The things is, I don't really understand how that's supposed to help me. And if anything were to change as a result of doing that, how would I know? That was the only thing I could think of to communicate back. Nothing else really happened that I wanted to change. For example, I forgot my cigarettes in my car and had to walk all the back, but as a result, I ran into a friend of mine. And everything else pretty much went well all day.
That's all I've got for now. It's four o'clock in the mornig. My usual bed time, because of my job, is about seven o'clock. But I'm thinking about going to bed early because I want to get some stuff done around the house and I'm planning on going out with my friend tomorrow night. And even though I took a nap earlier, I am still quite tired. This episode of X-files is quite interesting though. Maybe I'll watch it then go to bed.
Stacey
PS I remembered this, and might ask about it in the forum, but I wondered what would happen if you sent messages back to yourself about things you want to happen, like affirmations. For example you could send messages from yourself to your past self that you are prosperous and abundant, or that you will recieve money or that you will find something you are looking for, thus your past self will start to believe these things, and they will ingrained into your subconscious and conscious minds and become reality more quickly. I wonder.
Once again it's been a while since I've written in my blog. I'm just writing to update on my progress with my mods and stuff.
I wrote a post a bit ago about how everything seemed to go wonky and that was shortly after starting the successful living module phase II. It was crazy. Plus I was feeling very anxious. I boosted my spirulina intake which helped and my anxiety went away all together and my confidence sky rocketed and also my sense of well being. Things are going back to "normal" only better I think.
At work yesterday I was amazed at how cool everyone is that I work with and how I had fairly decent and cool people at my table. I felt comfortable and although I'm still shy-ish and quieter than most, I did have some good conversations with my players. Even when they sent me to the high limits (and I have a very negative feeling towards the high limit players because they tend to be very selfish, spoiled brats as I call them), I still felt more comfortable than usual and no one treated me bad. In fact the one player who seemed very rude and selfish on the surface tried to make conversation with me. So I think something is working there. That I'm either attracting better people or activing things in people that are more of a match to what I want to deal with in them. And in myself I am becoming more confident and feeling better in general.
I have been feeling much more uplifted and in better moods. I have a very caring and open attitude towards my children and even feel more affectionate towards my cats.
On a personal note, since I was separated from my now ex-husband I have dated a few people with disasterous results. The first, broke up with me twice because he was convinced that I was cheating on him. The first time was early on in our relationship so I let it pass because he didn't have enough time yet, I thought perhaps, to really know me and what I am all about. But the second time was after we had been seeing eachother for almost nine months and by then if he couldn't accept the fact that that's not my style or what I'm all about, he never would. Plus there were other issues that he never understood and I'm not going to divulge here. He was selfish in certain respects in a way that I found hurtful and he tried to blame me for that. So when he broke up with me the second time, and then tried to get back together with me again, I told him no.
The second relationship was disasterous from the beginning. It was very shortly after my first had ended. When he realized this he got upset. He was afraid that I was on the "rebound" which I wasn't because I knew that I was ready for my first relationship to end and knew it was coming, plus it was my choice. Regardless, things occured that I never fully understood this time. He was very closed off I think, and although I did have strong feelings for him, I never really felt that close to him. What gets me, is that I did have strong feelings for him and for just about everyone I've ever dated. And that's what scares me. Because I get so freaking attached.
I'm trying to figure out who I have attracted or been attracted to and what I am attracting now. There is this person that I have known for several years. And I know he has been attracted to me and I have been attracted to him also. However he didn't make any moves until I was already seeing someone. The first person I mentioned above. Of course, I had to turn him down for that reason. I guess he's shy because he hardly ever talked to me anyway. But then about a week ago, we finally started talking. So now I don't know exactly what's going on or what to expect. He works different hours than I do and has different days off than I do also. However, I can manipulate my schedule to a limited degree so if we do actually start dating, I should be able to work it out a bit. But I realized that I have been closing myself off to that because I feel that I just don't have the time to date. That was a huge problem in my second mentioned relationship. I also feel that I have never really felt very close to anyone even though I have been married twice and have had a couple of serious relationships between marriages. I have attracted people that are difficult to get close to as well as being difficult to get close to myself. I want to change that and I don't know if this person is like that or not. Also, he is a bar tender, (he has more than one job though) he is friends with my best friend's fiance who is an alcoholic and I worry that he might be one too. He is also younger than me by seven years. Not that I really care about that since everyone I've ever dated has been older than me. It might be nice to go the other way!
I get asked out by people all the time. The thing is, these people who ask me out are not people that I want to date. This one guy was okay at first, but he ended up just being really wierd. He always made assumptions and even when I told him what I really meant or was thinking he would gloss over that and go back to his assumption. He didn't listen to anything I said and repeated himself all the time and I only knew and talked to this guy a few times. So he was definitely out. This other guy, although I really liked him, I enjoyed talking to him and had a lot in common, was ruled out because I overheard him say one time "I don't know how to love, I've never been loved and I've never loved anyone." How difficult would it be to get close to someone like that? Plus he was overweight and I found that to be a turn off. That might sound bad, but seriously, one needs to be physically attracted to their boyfriend. Then there's this other friend of mine that I've know for many years. He and I have a strange relationship though because we will always be friends, but he has a girlfriend that he has been on again off again with and although he assured me that nothing would get in the way of our fiendship, whenever they are on again, he is mia for me. So that tells me first of all who is number one and second of all that something does get in the way of our friendship. Which is one reason why we will never be more than friends.
I want to attract someone that is into LOA and maybe even PATHS because that's a part of my life that I can't really share with other people, at least I haven't and don't feel comfortable talking about it because most of the people that I know woudn't understand or know what I'm talking about or would probably think I'm wierd. At least that's what I'm afraid of. I read the posts written by other people and they all seem so comfortable with it and talk about how their friends and they discuss it and some have friends and family memebers that are involved with paths and stuff like that and I can't help but feel a little jealous. I wanted so bad to go to the Vegas convention but it just didn't work out. That way I could have met other people like me, for the first time probably that I could have felt comfortable with knowing that they share similar beliefs and life styles and then when they came back they had their own forum and were working on their own things and all had their own personal relationships and I felt so excluded and left out like it was a club that I was no longer invited to. It is only an intensifying of feelings that I've had before in other situations but it caused me to kind of back off from posting and being involved at all with PATHS outside of keeping and viewing my own modules. I completely ignored all posts that mentioned anything about Vegas and barely glanced over any posts in the affiliate section. I haven't even been involved in any of the phone calls. I feel like I missed the boat. This is something I am going to have to work on. I think it is a similar thing to when I mentioned that everything went all "wonky" when I started slpII. It's brought to the surface something that was in the background that I never really realized before. So I guess it's a good thing that I have recognized it. It kind of had to happen this way, because I wouldn't have seen it if it wasn't this obvious and in my face like that.
Once again it's been a while since I've written in my blog. I'm just writing to update on my progress with my mods and stuff.
I wrote a post a bit ago about how everything seemed to go wonky and that was shortly after starting the successful living module phase II. It was crazy. Plus I was feeling very anxious. I boosted my spirulina intake which helped and my anxiety went away all together and my confidence sky rocketed and also my sense of well being. Things are going back to "normal" only better I think.
At work yesterday I was amazed at how cool everyone is that I work with and how I had fairly decent and cool people at my table. I felt comfortable and although I'm still shy-ish and quieter than most, I did have some good conversations with my players. Even when they sent me to the high limits (and I have a very negative feeling towards the high limit players because they tend to be very selfish, spoiled brats as I call them), I still felt more comfortable than usual and no one treated me bad. In fact the one player who seemed very rude and selfish on the surface tried to make conversation with me. So I think something is working there. That I'm either attracting better people or activing things in people that are more of a match to what I want to deal with in them. And in myself I am becoming more confident and feeling better in general.
I have been feeling much more uplifted and in better moods. I have a very caring and open attitude towards my children and even feel more affectionate towards my cats.
On a personal note, since I was separated from my now ex-husband I have dated a few people with disasterous results. The first, broke up with me twice because he was convinced that I was cheating on him. The first time was early on in our relationship so I let it pass because he didn't have enough time yet, I thought perhaps, to really know me and what I am all about. But the second time was after we had been seeing eachother for almost nine months and by then if he couldn't accept the fact that that's not my style or what I'm all about, he never would. Plus there were other issues that he never understood and I'm not going to divulge here. He was selfish in certain respects in a way that I found hurtful and he tried to blame me for that. So when he broke up with me the second time, and then tried to get back together with me again, I told him no.
The second relationship was disasterous from the beginning. It was very shortly after my first had ended. When he realized this he got upset. He was afraid that I was on the "rebound" which I wasn't because I knew that I was ready for my first relationship to end and knew it was coming, plus it was my choice. Regardless, things occured that I never fully understood this time. He was very closed off I think, and although I did have strong feelings for him, I never really felt that close to him. What gets me, is that I did have strong feelings for him and for just about everyone I've ever dated. And that's what scares me. Because I get so freaking attached.
I'm trying to figure out who I have attracted or been attracted to and what I am attracting now. There is this person that I have known for several years. And I know he has been attracted to me and I have been attracted to him also. However he didn't make any moves until I was already seeing someone. The first person I mentioned above. Of course, I had to turn him down for that reason. I guess he's shy because he hardly ever talked to me anyway. But then about a week ago, we finally started talking. So now I don't know exactly what's going on or what to expect. He works different hours than I do and has different days off than I do also. However, I can manipulate my schedule to a limited degree so if we do actually start dating, I should be able to work it out a bit. But I realized that I have been closing myself off to that because I feel that I just don't have the time to date. That was a huge problem in my second mentioned relationship. I also feel that I have never really felt very close to anyone even though I have been married twice and have had a couple of serious relationships between marriages. I have attracted people that are difficult to get close to as well as being difficult to get close to myself. I want to change that and I don't know if this person is like that or not. Also, he is a bar tender, (he has more than one job though) he is friends with my best friend's fiance who is an alcoholic and I worry that he might be one too. He is also younger than me by seven years. Not that I really care about that since everyone I've ever dated has been older than me. It might be nice to go the other way!
I get asked out by people all the time. The thing is, these people who ask me out are not people that I want to date. This one guy was okay at first, but he ended up just being really wierd. He always made assumptions and even when I told him what I really meant or was thinking he would gloss over that and go back to his assumption. He didn't listen to anything I said and repeated himself all the time and I only knew and talked to this guy a few times. So he was definitely out. This other guy, although I really liked him, I enjoyed talking to him and had a lot in common, was ruled out because I overheard him say one time "I don't know how to love, I've never been loved and I've never loved anyone." How difficult would it be to get close to someone like that? Plus he was overweight and I found that to be a turn off. That might sound bad, but seriously, one needs to be physically attracted to their boyfriend. Then there's this other friend of mine that I've know for many years. He and I have a strange relationship though because we will always be friends, but he has a girlfriend that he has been on again off again with and although he assured me that nothing would get in the way of our fiendship, whenever they are on again, he is mia for me. So that tells me first of all who is number one and second of all that something does get in the way of our friendship. Which is one reason why we will never be more than friends.
I want to attract someone that is into LOA and maybe even PATHS because that's a part of my life that I can't really share with other people, at least I haven't and don't feel comfortable talking about it because most of the people that I know woudn't understand or know what I'm talking about or would probably think I'm wierd. At least that's what I'm afraid of. I read the posts written by other people and they all seem so comfortable with it and talk about how their friends and they discuss it and some have friends and family memebers that are involved with paths and stuff like that and I can't help but feel a little jealous. I wanted so bad to go to the Vegas convention but it just didn't work out. That way I could have met other people like me, for the first time probably that I could have felt comfortable with knowing that they share similar beliefs and life styles and then when they came back they had their own forum and were working on their own things and all had their own personal relationships and I felt so excluded and left out like it was a club that I was no longer invited to. It is only an intensifying of feelings that I've had before in other situations but it caused me to kind of back off from posting and being involved at all with PATHS outside of keeping and viewing my own modules. I completely ignored all posts that mentioned anything about Vegas and barely glanced over any posts in the affiliate section. I haven't even been involved in any of the phone calls. I feel like I missed the boat. This is something I am going to have to work on. I think it is a similar thing to when I mentioned that everything went all "wonky" when I started slpII. It's brought to the surface something that was in the background that I never really realized before. So I guess it's a good thing that I have recognized it. It kind of had to happen this way, because I wouldn't have seen it if it wasn't this obvious and in my face like that.
