|Personal Development Discussions on Law of Attraction and other self-help methods - binaural beats, hypnosis, reiki, meditation, and more.|
Those who've hit Rock-Bottom and just can't anymore - This is for You!
I've been asked by people who have only met me in the last year or so, if I've ever been fed up and lost faith. I've decided to share the posts below with you (which I posted on a forum in 2006) because sometimes it makes a big difference to hear someone else's story, who has been rock bottom, and then come out the other end (so to speak lol). I must point out that this was in the middle of all my efforts at Self Development, including The Secret, Visualisations, Powerful Intentions, EFT, Holosync, .... and a lot of other stuff.
If I can get from there to where I am now, so can you.
Sorry about the length of the post, but I hope it helps.
(I've just discovered it's too long for one post, so I'll put it into four...)
Love and Light and Magic xxx
PS: The only things I've edited are the names of the other people who responded - I've changed their names to their initials for their own privacy. Otherwise, this is exactly what was posted.
I was going to post this in answer to a thread on The Secret forum, but then felt it might not be such a good idea, and I thought you guys would understand more.
Please understand, I hope I'm wrong about this, but I have yet to see any actual clear, obvious indication otherwise.
What if some of us decided (or rather the expanded self decided) that in this particular incarnation/ hologram experience, we would experience financial hardship - regardless. What if let's say my expanded self decided to play the game of red herrings and false hope (presumably very entertaining for my expanded self, but pretty sh***y for me - the conciousness I currently am - the character in this virtual reality game) What if, no matter what this character does, it'll never have what it wants because that's the game. That's what all evidence currently points to.
For example: people say don't give up. When a child learns to walk, when he falls down, he doesn't give up and just not learn to walk. He keeps trying until he walks. Here's the difference: we teach our children to walk by helping them and showing them exactly how. We don't give them obscure clues and false information and expect them to figure it out. We don't suggest they stand on their hands, or heads. We don't hold up cards with "fish" or "bread" or "twirl" written on them. And we don't hold our a hand, and then snatch it away. We don't push them over so they fall when they do manage to stand up.
There are many people who have managed to improve their finances - through a wide variety of methods. Just in these forums alone there is LOA, EFT, and of course BLFTMG, amongst so many others - and these methods have worked for many different people. But for many of us, none of these "work". We can have the same "blocks", the same "issues", the same "history", and trying just as hard, doing just as much as others, and we don't get the result.
I am tired of peddling now. I'm tired of being offered "life rafts" that sink. Tired of being pointed in a direction, following and trusting, only to find it's another dead end. I'm tired of believing and trusting "inspired thought", following it with inspired action, to find it's another red herring, only leading to another dead end, presumably purely for the entertainment of a game I have no concious memeory of agreeing to play.
Like in a computer game, where the person playing sends the character in the game into battles and on quests, for entertainment, and the character perhaps simply wants a nice quiet life at home with family, plenty of food and security, and keeps wanting that, and hoping and trusting that maybe if they try it this way, or win this battle, they'll get what they want. Because they've been led to believe that if they keep trying, they'll get what they want - and that they wouldn't have been given that desire unless they could achieve it. But what they don't know is that the constant battle and gettingupfallingdowngettingupfallingdowngettingupf allingdown is all part of the entertainment for the player. The character doesn't know that no matter how many times they get up they'll always fall down because that's part of the game.
I keeeeep picking myself up, trying everything I feel inspired to try, trustingtrustingtrusting, busting eggs, EFT, meditation, gratitude ..... you name it, and I have yet to see ANY indication of ANY financial result. Oh, sure there are the crumbs. I managed to get my rent by the skin of my teeth at the last minute last month, and I was so grateful. But see, I am sO grateful for the crumbs, I really am, but I would really really really like a crust - maybe even a slice some time. And I'm led to believe that not only is it possible for me to have a slice some time, but that I deserve it. But I've seen no evidence of that. Not a scrap.
I mean every - that's EVERY - hope that appears is false. And I know that some may think I must have beliefs that I will fail or beliefs that I will be given false clues and false hope - and that that creates the situations, but (well, I suppose without actually knowing me, it's difficult to understand) I really really really - I swear - believe and trust each and every time - I believe and trust "this is it, I've got it." I believe and trust I deserve it. I believe and trust if I have the desire, I must be able to do it. It's only after slapintheface after slapintheface after slapintheface that the evidence is overwhelming.
It's like Oliver, going up and asking for more - and really believing he can get it. Having been told "if you just ask and hold out your bowl, you'll get it" so he does that, and he gets sent away with an empty bowl. Then someone else suggests "but you need to you really believe you can have it, and try using this bowl." So he believes and trusts that. So up he goes again. Same result. Then someone else says "You have to visualise it, and feel good about it - try meditating on it" and so he does - with the same enthusiasm and belief and trust (perhaps even more - because this is something he hadn't tried before. It makes sense. It's bound to work) Again - same result - empty bowl. But because he really wants it, and he really believes and trusts, he keeps going over and over with the same enthusiasm, commitment, belief and trust. But unfortunately, the story is that he doesn't get more. So he can keep doing it until he grows old and dies. He'll never get it. Because that's not the story that was written for the entertainment of the reader.
After just too many of these - and absolutely no sign of a result, I am afraid I'm now just too broken. I have decided to stop. I'm sorry to spoil the entertainment for the player, but I just don't want to play anymore. I am now officially giving up. I don't know what I will do, but I will not keep rising to the bait. I am giving up my hopes of financial ..... well anything. I am giving up my hopes of a career in what I love and live for. I have no choice but to simply wait out the game. Well, let me re-phrase that - I do have a choice, but the choice is to continue in the same way - gettingupfallingdowngettingupfallingdown - with no real hope of breaking the pattern. Or at least saving myself the constant falls. If I stay down, I won't have so far to fall.
As I said before, I am so very grateful for the crumbs. But I guess I was led to believe I could have a bit more than that. At least if I resign myself to just scraping by on crumbs, it's better than false hope.
Posted by Illusions ; )
12/05/06 07:20 PM
Start a NEW Topic
Last edited by illusions : 03-12-2008 at 11:46 AM.
aaahhhh sweetie. What happened? What happened honeypie?? sending you big love and big hugs and big positive energy right now.
Posted by CB
12/05/06 09:26 PM
Start a NEW Topic
Idon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknowIIdon'tknowIdon'tkno wIdon'tknowIdon'tknowdon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknow Idon'tknowIdon'tknow
I'msorryhoneyI'msorryhoneyI'msorryhoneyI'msorryhon eyI'msorryhoneyI'msorryhoneyI'msorryhoneyI'msorryh oneyI'msorryhoneyI'msorryhoney
And I'm holding you and I'm rocking and I'm patting your back.
I just posted on the secret forum about how people keep saying that if folks aren't getting their money they must have some vibration to clean up, some resistance. But that's just not true for 2 reasons.
1.) Everyone gets their 1st deliberate creations manifesting with resistance, without fully believing. And the showing up of the manifestations is what makes them really believe. So how can money not show up just because of some deep dark resistance? Why should it be harder? It shouldn't.
Second, and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, just to show how it can come. I've intended more money and then when it showed up I was all about saying, hmmm, I don't deserve this, I should give some back, I must be ripping them off. So you don't have to be so vibrationally clean for money, just like you don't for all of the other stuff to show up.
So that's why the idon'tknow about your money.
What I do know is that your soul is not toying with you. Your soul is not having a party while you struggle. It's not some masochistic game with yourself.
And this is just where you were a few months back when this forum began.
So . . . so what? I just don't know why it is so hard for you. Can I call you? I think that perhaps there are more ways of figuring this out with real time and voices. I must have something figured out that I can't pull out here because my life was **** for a while there and with LoA it was just a consistently smoother ride up the mountain. No big blow-up like I keep reading others have. (except my BL moment! :-P ) Just steady improvement. Well, and some quantum leap ones. But all going up.
I do have a very finely tuned radar for out of alignment moments, words. I can detect the slightest 'headed in the wrong direction' word.
So, that's all I got baby. Can I help?
Posted by PA
12/06/06 01:47 AM
Start a NEW Topic
And I hold you in my heart in peace and in love and in knowing that all is well with you. My soul surrounds you with well being and with light. I believe in your power. I believe in your knowing.
Posted by PA
12/06/06 02:14 AM
Start a NEW Topic
C, P, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here, and your responses are so appreciated.
P, thanks for the offer of a phone call. Unfortunately, I can't talk about this because of sobbing - can't get words out, so typing is the only way of communicating at the moment. As much as I'd love to hear your voice, I just broke down just reading your third sentence here, but maybe we could talk another time when I can. Thank you though.
C, in answer to your question of what happened.... well it's too much to go into in one sitting, but here's the abridged version:
Following a lifetime of financial falling down and picking myself up, I've just fallen down a few too many times, and this time, I feel like the rose-tinted glasses fell off as I fell, and I now see my delusion.
Very briefly, the key points:
I gave up my career in a profession that I love because of having to move countries, and not being able to make a living from it here. I was financially forced to, for the first time in my life, get a "real job"
Because of the way I am, although I cried my soul out for about three hours after making the decision, I then chose to focus on the positive aspects of this change, and to focus on finding the enjoyment in it. I became a "nine-to-five" person for the first time in my life. I chose to enjoy it, and really did. I was surprised at how well I did. I worked my way up from basic data entry - to running a department. I was very dedicated, worked extra hours and did more than I needed to, even though they don't pay overtime here. Because I had pride in my work, and loved it. (I had filed acting away in the back of my mind, and it was amazing - I did it so well that I didn't even miss it. I didn't think about it).
However. I was still in debt because of a custody situation, and past difficulties. The company refused to give me the raise I asked for - despite the fact that that was the going rate for others doing the same job. I got a Saturday job as well then, working in a shop for eight hours for minimum wage. Didn't help. Then a wonderful opportunity came along. A small business franchise, that many many many people were doing very well with. It's an established, good company. If you work hard, and follow the instructions, you can't help but make money. I started part-time. Seemed to go well. It made sense to leave the job and do it full time - I had "inspired thought" to do this, and all evidence and signs seemed to point towards it - as did logic - the more you do in this business, the more you earn. I focused on finding enjoyment in the work, as I had done with the other job. I trusted, believed my instinct. Gave up my full-time job and did my own business full-time. Worked hard. Followed the instructions. Cut a long story short: three years later, deeper in debt, no financial independence, barely scraping by.
I was convinced by someone close to me over a period of many months, to jump ship (thank goodness). So I eventually quit my drowning home business earlier this year.
I got an invitation to an online marketing seminar. Long story short - lots of people making lots of money as long as they follow the instructions exactly, work hard to set it up etc. Bought the website deal on credit - after much deliberating, working out, and question-asking. I then thought, well if they accept my credit rating (VERY unlikely in my situation) then it means I'm meant to do it. Please, higher self, if I'm not meant to do it, let them not accept it. They accepted it. No problem.
Got home. Got started IMEDIATELY. So excited. Loved working on the website. Followed absolutely every instruction, every bit of advice, asked for help from customer services, and on the forums. Worked fourteen hours a day to hone it and make the changes suggested. Followed alllllll the marketing instructions. In four months: not ONE order - NOT ONE. Not even one - not even a small one - against all odds. But I kept going, kept following advice from the experts - from the people who are making money from these websites. Then, after five months: One order. Yay!! So excited, so relieved - see, just trust. However, because the supplier had put up their prices, it ended up costing me more than the customer paid. ! So, currently now in extra debt to the website people on top of everything else. Website still there. Still no money from it.
Saw The Secret, felt I couldn't pretend to be a business woman anymore - realised that I am an actress - in my soul - it's not work I do, it's me.
Moved towns. Traumatic custody battle. Now unemployed single mum. Allllllllllllllllllllllllll this time with imense belief and trust in my higher self, the LOA, gratitude, visualisation, holosync, and my instincts. I have constantly seeked out and absorbed everything I can manage on self-developement etc.
In these months of being unemployed, I've resisted the urge to "hi-ho-silver" as is mentioned in "Excuse me your life is waiting" - I've resisted the urge to try and just fix the situation by getting an office job to try and earn money - I've trusted that the Universe will deliver. I've trusted that when action needs to be taken, I will feel it. I've trusted that if I have this imense desire to restart my acting career, it must mean I can. I got an agent, had new photos done, and responded to every acting job posted online that matched my profile. The agent hasn't sent me for anything, and hasn't even answered my enquiry as to how it's going.
A few months ago I had a burst of inspiration to sell some of my stuff (especially products from my old home business - good products) at a car boot sale. Did all the research as I hadn't done one before, borrowed a van, went to a busy carboot sale in the centre of town, got there early, set up. Made about £9. Went home with a van full of stuff. Happened to be the one Sunday it was painfully quiet. Hardly any people. No-one knew why.
Amongst the many attempts at making money online, got an ebook website - followed all instructions, followed instinct, loved working on it, spent a lot of time on it. To date, probably about $6 made from it. (I paid $29 for it)
Wrote my own ebook - so proud of it, to help parents. Have had a wonderful response from the couple of people who read it. A child professional said it would be helpful for a lot of people. Followed advice on marketing it. Did everything I could. Told everyone about it. I was so excited about it - convinced that it would, not only do well and I could make something from it, but that it would help so many parents and children and make a difference in the world because of those children growing up with a whole different and positive experience.
Did everything I felt inspired to do. Dropped the price to $2.50 - with a money-back guarantee. To date I have sold 3, and given a few away. Sent it to two publishers - thought that maybe it was because I was meant to have it published in hard copy. Too short. (the whole point of the book is that it's short, so can't really extend it).
Wrote a screenplay - inspired I must add. I've never had an urge to write a screenplay before. This came out of nowhere, and it was as if it was writing itself. Took about 10 months to write it in between all the other stuff going on. Had inspiration of who to send it to about eight months ago. Sent it. Nothing.
Had an inspiration - a wonderful excitement the other day. Reminder wristbands for LOA - I have wanted one for a while - like the Livestrong ones. I wanted one that says "Feel Good. The Secret" to remind me during the day whenever I see it, to check how I'm feeeeeling. Thought others might like the idea as well.
So excited - felt like guidence because I then thought I could donate $1 from each wristband to Litteracy Claus for getting The Secret to hurricane Katrina survivors. So excited. Posted a message on the PI forum to see if anyone would be interested. I had looked a while ago, for wristband suppliers, but couldn't find one that did less than a minimum of 500, and was in the UK, and didn't charge too much, and could deliver quickly. Just thought I'd follow my instinct this time again, did another search. A company came up that hadn't come up before. Met all of the criteria. Minimum order 250 etc. I worked out how much it would cost, and that it was viable to send them from here to people in the USA and still keep the cost down. So excited. Posted. People showed interest. The company said if I ordered immediately they could deliver by the 12th Dec. In time for stocking fillers. Some Katrina people could get The Secret in time for the new year.
Then found out, I'd need permission from The Secret to use the name. And that PI are going to be doing wristbands themselves. Emailed The Secret to ask permission. No reply. Now too late to get wristbands for Christmas, and if PI are going to do them, not much point in me doing them as well. Thought, oh well, I'll just buy one of those, and maybe something else will come up for the Literacy Claus people.
In the background: overdue bills, threatening letters and calls from creditors (all of whom I have contacted and made arrangements to pay token payments to, but some of whom insist on trying to bully me into paying more of what I don't have), insurance for loan payments refusing to accept my job application attempts because they are via email and not snail mail, and refusing to accept that, as an actress you don't get "no thank you letters" if you don't get the job you just don't hear from them. (they want proof I'm trying to get work)
Lots of scary financial stuff that I am not focusing on, and just trusting will be okay, and just keep feeling grateful and visualising and feeling good and focusing on what I want, and act when inspired. I buy a lottery ticket every week, just in case. Each time it doesn't win (and I mean I haven't even won the smallest prize for.....- I think I won £10 once - about three months ago) I feel, oh well, that wasn't it this time. Next time. The idea is that it's a gateway for money to come if that's the route it's going to come. I see it as another line in the pond, and it doesn't matter if the fish doesn't take that line, there are other lines, some of which I may not even know of. And I focus on feeling good, visualising etc.
Continued below due to length restrictions on post.....
Continued from above.....
This thursday gone: online job ad for a commercial in London. Paying £700. Fits my profile. The dates are incredible - either side of my son's Christmas celebration. Callback monday, son's do on tuesday, rehearsals for this job wed, thurs and friday. Didn't know where I would stay in London if I got it, but trusted that the Universe would provide if I got the job.
Furthermore, I've worked with one of the people before, and they say I don't have to do the general audition because they know what I can do, just do the callback. Book coach ticket to London - pay £17. Leave at 5am. Four hour coach trip. Get there. Do audition, really enjoyed it. Great people. I surprised myself and did better than I thought. So happy. Still didn't know where I would stay in London if I got it, but trusted that the Universe would provide if I got the job. Then, before leaving London, a friend reminds me his sister lives in London and has a spare room, and I could stay there. Wow. I'm amazed at how perfectly it all works out. How thrilled I am that my trust in the Universe is paying off. The one thing that was slightly worrying me in the back of my head had been where I would stay, and now, poof - there's the answer. Wow.
Didn't hear from them that afternoon. Assumed I hadn't got the job as they said they would call that afternoon if I had. Worked on focusing on "this or something better. If I haven't got it, it's okay, there'll be a reason. There'll be something else. There'll be something better." And let it go. Difficult because feeling a tendency toward disspointment. But then did the egg-busting process, and then focused on happy thoughts. Next day (yesterday) - they call! Wow, I think I got it after all. You see, just got to trust. They take a long time to get to the point - chatty. Then... sorry you didn't get it this time." I say no problem, do keep me in mind for future, thanks so much for letting me know... etc. Hmmmmm. Okay. Deal with it. Process. Reason. All for the best. etc etc etc.
Then, I open my post - bills, threatening letters - the usual. Then.... a voucher. $100 to play in an online casino. No deposit necessary. Just download, join and play. Terms and conditions etc. Just play through so many times etc. I think. ahhh, isn't that sweet, the Universe has sent me a cheerer upper. Maybe I'll win. Play. nothing. believe. nothing. visualise. use instinct to choose game. even little meditation. follow instinct. ..... gone.
There is so much else, but this is already obviously so long. There really are so many many examples like these.
It's not the not getting the job. It's not the not winning in the casino (it was playing with free money anyway). It's not the not winning anything in the lottery. It's not the not making money from the online businesses, or the book, etc. It's the message that I'm getting from it all. It's the constant "inspirations, clues, signs, sometimes that seem so obvious - like flashing neon signs saying come this way, do this" - and then leading me into a brick wall or pit of darkness and nothingness. It's the false promises. The false clues, the red herrings. And I'm tired and I don't believe anymore. I can't trust. It's unreliable. Anything I feel from my higher self is just not reliable.
And after all this time of trusting and bouncing back, I really can't see any other explaination other than I'm just not meant to have what I thought I could. And if I've interpretted the message incorrectly (although the evidence seems overwhelming) then I need the code!
Amongst my dreams - that I really trusted and believed were possible because the desire is so strong and the instinct is so strong, and I've been led to believe we can have anything we want if we believe it, accept it, and follow our instincts: To have enough money to enjoy life with my family and friends, help my family financially, give my son the best possible start financially, visit my mum, start a pariticular charity project, and have some fun. And ... To become a successful film actress, doing great work, and enjoying every second of it, working with wonderful people on incredible projects. And... getting my information on parenting to the people who it could help, changing the prospects of some of those children - helping to change who they become as adults.
Those are the dreams I thought I could have. But you know, I've seen not a shred of evidence. It seems it's all only smoke and mirrors. I've seen no concrete result of any indication that any of that is possible, despite my incredible efforts, belief and trust.
The only conclusion I am left with is, it's just not my story. Maybe in a previous life I was wealthy, did have the career I wanted etc. and maybe I still have a feeling from that that it's possible. But that was that story, and now I'm in a different story. And maybe this one is .... well... like this.
But if I agreed to play this game this way, I've changed my mind now. I don't want to any more. The only thing I can think of now is to litterally sit it out. Concentrate on supporting and nurturing my son. Hope that financially... well, yeah, I don't know. I guess I have to just wait and see. I'm going to find out about getting a job in a shop with hours that allow me to take and fetch my son from school (if I can find one like that) because I know any venture I try working from home or self-employed, well I can't trust it anymore. If I'm not meant to succeed, I can waste my life trying and never do it, or I can just accept that's the way it is, and focus on making the best of it I can as it is.
It feels soul-destroying, and, given my financial history, I don't really believe a job will help, but I can't think of anything else. And at least if I accept the situation - even though it's heart-breaking. Maybe the next time 'round I'll choose a better senario.
Thank you so much for your support here. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this opportunity to talk it out with wonderful people who understand. You have been invaluable to me.
Posted by Illusions ; )
12/06/06 06:47 AM
What is the rest of the story???
I read everything you posted from 2006 but what is the rest of the story....the successes you may have had since being on Paths or any other change in your life for the better? I've read many of your replies before and you seem to be very knowledgable about many things. That wisdom and knowledge should have led you to successes in your life. Being on Paths has made my life a lot better (even though some people believe Paths uses the placebo effect). Placebo or not, it is still working. I thought as I was reading about your past challenges that there would be an update of a breakthough. I have felt the bewilderment of going down paths that seemed to work for others but left my life as it was (financially, not in a good place). But, through all the discourging false information I've believed, I'm still left with my basic faith in my God, who has always been truthful to me and ever so gentle. ( I haven't been able to accept that I'm God as some people say is suppose to be true......I'm a part of God because I was created but there is One who is greater than this spirit in this body). Anyway, I do hope your life has changed for the better and your dreams are coming true.
Hi Rhozzi and Lama
Thanks v much for your comments.
The rest of the story is: EFT, Paths, The Magic Pill and Ho'oponopono - in that order. After I'd posted the posts above in 2006, someone very kindly invited me to receive free EFT coaching. I'd tried EFT on my own before, but had no success with it at all. With help though, I cleared a few blocks and it got me to get up one last time. But EFT, although it helped me feel better in myself, didn't make any difference to my financial patterns and the cycle of failure etc.
Then I heard about Paths - I read a loooooong thread on it, and I was determined to use it. I had the exact amount for a one module theatre in my bank account - but that was All the money I had!! And that was earmarked to pay my electricity bill. I had no spare income at all - with the little I had coming in, I couldn't even cover my rent and bills - nowhere near!
I made the decision to buy the one module theatre instead of pay my electricity bill. I can't tell you just how scary that was lol. But I was sO excited and it felt right. I also figured that that money could pay my electricity bill, but what about the other bills, and what about next month?
Whereas if Paths helped to solve my financial issues, then I'd have more than enough money for the electricity and the other bills.
I started on the Business module because I thought if I can increase my income, then that will pay for Paths and of course get me out of my financial quagmire. The first thing I noticed was that, having had Fibromyalgia for about three or four years, and not slept for more than about 40 minutes to an hour at a time (very very little deep sleep), I slept deeply each night, and only woke up twice during the night! (My Fibromyalgia is now completely gone - I used the Pain module for about two months last year, and I've not had any symptoms since!)
About a week or two after starting with Paths, I came up with the thinking behind The Magic Pill. The basis of this is that Self Esteem is at the root of EVERYTHING. If I was blocking financial abundance, I couldn't possibly have High Self Esteem, (a great shock to me as I'm an actress for goodness sake Self Esteem and Confidence are kinda a pre-requisite!) I was sure I had high Self Esteem, but my sister pointed out, if you have High Self Esteem, why aren't you allowing financial abundance.
SO..... I switched the Business module for the Self Esteem one... and that's when I started to see very interesting results. A few weeks later, I had had enough unexpected money come in to enable me to add another couple of modules (one of them, a gift out of the blue from my sister ).
I added the Successful Living Module - and THAT was when the fireworks started happening.
The synchronicities are too many and too detailed to go into in this one post, but if you'd like to hear them, I'm happy to write them in another post. The most Incredible and UNLIKELY synchronicities (that I would never had dreamt possible) led to two theatre gigs paying £100 each for one performance, and a 26 episode voice-over job paying £100 per HOUR!! - which in the end took 23 hours over a period of, I think it was 2 or3 of months!
Before I heard about the voice-over job, Paths had announced their first conference - it was to be in Vegas in June. I live in the UK, but I was determined to be there. By this time I had become an Affiliate for Paths because it was just so Impressive; and my sister (along with a couple of her friends, an ex-boyfriend, current partner and his two daughters), my partner and my son had all joined and were also enjoying great results (my sister went from being so stressed she sometimes couldn't get out of bed in the morning because of being overwhelmed by a decision she had to make about a property, not knowing how to do it - to making £142 000 on the same property after turning it from an 8 bedroom house into 5 apartments - in 6 Weeks!!!!
She had also suffered, for most of her life, from severe clinical depression. She was to take medication for the rest of her life. She came off the medication within, I think it was about 2 months of starting the Mood Elevator module and has never needed the medication since!!)
I had no idea how we'd get to Vegas (I'd decided my partner, who had also now become an affiliate, and my son (10 years old) would come with me) but I trusted that a way would be made, between the Self Esteem module, and the Successful Living module in particular.
My father lives in Vegas and had only ever seen my son once, for three days when my son was 7.
It was going to cost around £2000 for us to go - including airfares and spending money for 2 weeks. The conference was only for a few days, but we would go early to spend time with my fater.
Well, it was soon after I made that decision that I heard about the Voice-Over job - which was paying the amount we needed!!!
I then heard that I'd only get the payment three months after the job was over. But that was when my sister completed the deal on the house - in the nick of time, and very kindly lent us the money so we could book our flights (I think it was about a week before we left!!) and could pay her back when I got paid from the Voice Over. It all fell into place perfectly!!!
We had the most FABULOUS time in Vegas - being with my father and family was Magical, we had enough spending money to do some really fun stuff as a family, like Indoor Sky-diving and a breakfast horse-ride through red rock canyon. The Paths conference was Incredible - I can't put into words just how it felt to meet, in person, the Wonderful people we'd only ever spoken to online. Aaron and Kevin shared so much with us, and.... well, I know there's a lot of detail on the conference elsewhere in the forums lol.
I'm still not rolling in money (yet ) but I've never been back to where I was when I posted the posts above. It did get tight again, and I happened to have discovered Ho'oponopono earlier last year, but the results were inconsistant and I didn't really understand it. A few months ago, I swapped out one of my modules (I now have 4 plus a Platinum) for the Ho'oponopono module, went back to the Ho'oponopono website and re-read the information - and suddenly it all made PERFECT sense to me!!! Using that has been completely Miraculous.
So, where am I now? I'm HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY I'm getting back into my acting work (unlikely opportunities have come up for me from unexpected places). Financially it's still a bit tight, but I'm not in the quagmire I was in before - and it's getting better. I know I've cleared a lOt of financially limitting beliefs and patterns with Paths and Ho'oponopono. I'm loving working from home. I love being with my family. And I love watching more and more synchronicities and Magic happening consistantly.
So, going back to my reasons for posting this thread: I know that many many people (more than we'll ever know) who are really down, really suffering, and have lost all faith, read posts in these forums but will never post themselves, and I wanted to give the message that no matter how bad it feels, there IS hope - keep peddalling - you're not alone! And do post for help if you can - the support you get will make all the difference.
Love and Light and Magic xxx
How Magnificent you are!! You ARE and always have been from the moment I read your first post many months ago a True Inspiration!! What directly affects my heart in your posts is the Love you feel for life, even though your life has not fit "the Picture" as of yet, (OR HAS IT?)!!
What I see, and read in you and your posts, is experience, wisdom, willingness, courage (immense courage), understanding, compassion, forgiveness, intelligence, passion, and the pure essence of Love. Not just love for yourself, but for others and life!
Illusions! What a perfect name for what you are so eloquently, beautifully, explaining to all of us in your posts. Life is an illusion. There is nothing at all you need to "DO" anymore! You have played the "game" and played it proficiently I may add!!
The Game we are all playing is called the game of "a straight line------------------------". If "i" go from here to there, then I will get the "carrot at the end of the stick" (Also known as Dualism). Now our perception is important here, because the game is always fun, unless it's not. It depends on how we see things.
When I read your posts, Illusions, I also see that you KNOW! You know that it is a game and that there is more here than meets the eye (GOD). With your fabulous wisdom, I see that you are assisting more people here than also meets the eye!! You are gifted at giving, and I see what you are "BEING"!
So this is not advice to you, Illusions, because I recognize all to well how magnificent you are and what you are being for others!
What I am saying is that there is now (because of your posts) a greater understanding of the fact that there is no need to continue playing the game!
If you take the "straight line game" and put the two end points together, YOU NOW have a Perfectly whole and complete Circle!!! The absolute truth is, IS THAT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A PERFECT, WHOLE AND COMPLETE CIRCLE all along!!
There is no longer any need for wanting, desiring, gaining, getting, doing! There is only the knowing that it is what it is, whole perfect and complete. The essence of who we are is COMPLETE. With the understanding of Completeness, there is no need. All is within. All has already been given. All is fulfilled.
So the question is, Why do we have this perfect physical body, if there is nothing to "do" with it only to "BE" with it? The Answer is in the game! It was never about winning, it was always about having fun (perception/awareness)!
This ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS world of ours, is the biggest playground we have, and we have an infinite number of times we can play the game or not. It has been and always will be our choice. Free will, is Freedom and the greatest gift of all in this world of Dualism.
Spending time with you and the others in Vegas was so amazing for me, knowing you is beautiful, and I have Paths to thank for all of it!!!!! I am having so much fun that all I can say again and again is LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!
I LOVE YOU FABULOUS ILLUSIONS!!
Grace, I can't thank you enough! Your post has filled me with so much "warm fuzzy" I'm floating four inches above the floor!
How spot-on you are with what you've said here (and what you always say).
"...because the game is always fun, unless it's not." heh heh I love this - and of course, it's absolutely true!
Thank you so much for adding your wisdom to this - I know that my posts will give comfort to those who are going through similar feelings, but yours give the supportive solutions and a new way of looking at life.
I love you more than you'll ever know Grace.
Thank you for You. xxxxxxxx
I wanted her to pick "Reality is and Illusion" or something like that for her new name but she felt perfect about just dropping the "Grand" part.
I finally get it
Thank you Illusion for the rest of the story. When I read your down and out version, I allowed myself to be depressed yesterday (not consciously). I guess I figured that if someone as talented and wise as you still didn't get to have her dreams come true no matter what she did, then, what about the rest of us dreamers. I did manage to work through most of the depression yesterday but kept looking for the rest of your story to know that Paths and some of the other things we do does make a difference. Whew! Thank you.
And Grace...thank you for your private emails. You are such a sweetheart. I don't know what it means when someone asks to join my network. I didn't know I had one. Alvina
Thanks for this thread!
Thank you, Illusions, for posting this thread. I have hit rock bottom, which is why I am here. PATHS and Matrix Energetics are my last hope. Having said that, I am not convinced they will work for me, but I am hopeful.
I've been on a spiritual path for about 2 years now, and I know that I am the co-creator of my world... I know that thoughts create things... but I just don't seem to be able to release the negative and focus on the positive. I've tried EFT and The Sedona Method, affirmations, gratitude, journaling, forgiveness, etc., nothing worked... and sometimes I felt worse! Why do these methods work for other people and not me? WHY?
I've watched The Secret, and What the Bleep?, read too many books including Abraham-Hicks, The Power of Now, The Invisible Path to Success, Busting Loose From The Money Game, and most recently Matrix Energetics. I know transformation is possible... but that has not been my experience.
I desperately want to go to the Matrix Energetics Seminar this Friday - Monday in Miami (I live in Tampa). My hope is that if I attend I will experience the shift I have been seeking for so long. Money is the issue. I have about $500 to my name, which would pay for the seminar, but not the transportation, acomodations or food... and would leave me dead broke. A friend owes me $2000 and I figure if the money comes in, from any source before Friday, then I'm meant to go. I've decided to let go of the attachment to going and I've put the request in my God Box.
This plays with my head, because I believe I can manifest the money. I've done it before! But I also have this nagging doubt that M.E. will work for me... but my gut is telling me I need to be there! That this will work! But I've had that feeling about EFT, Sedona, etc. Grrrrr! I am so frustrated and confused. How do I release the doubts, when every releasing method I've tried doesn't work for me?
I've written to Grace for corrections, and she graciously (excuse the pun) agreed to help me. (Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Grace!) She also suggested I post. I've been a lurker. I didn't want to post a bunch of negativity, but after reading your story, Illusions, and identifying with a lot of it, I decided to share some of what is going on in my life.
I've been on Disability for 20 years and I can't live in my car for $575/month. Narcolepsy, insomnia, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS, back problems, depression and anxiety are the main complaints. The physical pain is gone now (thank you!) but I've been unhappy for most of my life. My mother actually told me I was incapable of being happy! Thanks for the hologram, Mom. but I've always had someone to take care of me financially.
That ended last year when my fiance and I broke up. He gave me a nice cash settlement, and I thought I was set for life. I had just watched The Secret, and I thought everything was going to be great. I could see money falling from the sky... the right circumstances and people were falling into place. Or so I thought.
Long story short, I spent the money, convinced the Universe would supply more. I Tithed, gave some money to my son and paid for some medical and dental work for my neice. I invested heavily in a home business with a product I used and believed in. (I went from 15 medications to 2 within 4 months on this product... 4-8 Vicaden/day down to 0 in 2 months!) A family in my direct upline earned $10,000, $100,000 and $300,000 per MONTH... Yes, Daddy helped the kids, but he said if they could do it, so could I. I would just do what they did. I had God on my side... heheh, I am God! Right? I've got all the right connections! http://www.energeticforum.com/images...s/thumbsup.gif
Or so I thought.
Evidently, I have some poverty issues and some deserving issues to work out. I kept the faith, even though my experience gave me evidence to the contrary. 8 months later, I got out of the business with only $10,000 left and no other source of income.
I am temporarily back living with my Ex, who says I've got to get a job and find another place to live. I haven't worked in 23 years. I don't want to work a traditional job. I would like to do some sort of energy work... which is ironic, since none of the methods I have tried have worked for me. But I do believe they work, and I have a strong desire to help other people. I figure something has to work eventually... or maybe not.
As I said, I've hit rock bottom. Unlike Illusions, I do not want to ride it out. I have no plans to kill myself, but there are times I wish I were dead and I have had thoughts of suicide. I created a very good illusion and it can be quite convincing at times. I don't know what to believe anymore and I am so tired of living with anxiety and depression, emotionally, mentally and spiritually hurting. If this is the life I've chosen and I can't change it, then lets end this game right now and start a new one. But my son would be devastated and I can't do that to him. So I keep searching for some new hope. Maybe Hope should be my screen name. lol
For those of you who have read this exceedingly long post, I thank you for "listening" to my rant.
Again, I thank Illusions for posting this thread... since you've been there, done that, and your life is better, my hope increases.
I'd also like to thank SallyJane. My greatest fear is being homeless. I've read your story and your transformation has been nothing short of inspiring.
Love and Light,
Hi Pam ~
Welcome to this forum There is no judgement here, only love and encouragement.
In reading your post, I see there is a long list of challenges you are facing at this time. I am no doctor or healthcare professional, but in my humble opinion I feel most of your concerns stem from depression.
I believe your health issues, financial issues, issues of security, all of it stem from the emotion of not feeling worthy and in turn, depression. I am sure there are those who may disagree with what I am about to suggest, but I feel the first thing you should do is see a doctor about going on anti-depressants. Once you start to feeling somewhat normal emotionally, you will be better equipped to tackle the other points one at a time.
If you have been on anti-depressants and they did not work well for you, try another type. There are hundreds available and not all of them work the same way. Your doctor should be able to help you with this.
I would love to say that PATHS will take care of all your problems, but I don't think that can happen until you get some sort of solid foundation under you.
Remember, that although it may seem like you are the only person in the world going through an experience like this, you are not. Start looking for things in your life to appreciate. You have people who love you and care about you, you have a roof over your head, you have some money - albeit not much. The point is, the more you look for to appreciate, law of attraction will bring more things to you to appreciate. It is law! You must find a way to do this in order for things to change for you.
I hope this helps in some small way. Please keep us informed of how things are working out for you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here - You have no idea just how many people it will help!
You've had some great advice and support from Pamela, and I'd like to add to it.
I have to take my son to school now, so not enough time to answer fully until later, but in the meantime, download and read these two little ebooks (they're free):
The Magic Pill
The Second Dose
They're only about 8 pages each, but I believe they may be helpful to you.
I'll reply in more detail when I get back home later.
In the meantime, I'm sending you Huge Love and Support and I'm thinking of you until I can get back here to write again.
Love and Light and Hope! xxx
I hope the ebooks help a bit.
Also, a little synchronicity here....
My sister pointed out, earlier today, some very interesting information she noticed today when she logged on to watch her Paths Theatre....and I think it may well apply to you too. When I read it, I remembered your post, and felt it would be good to mention it to you. Here it is:
".... Depending on how you react, this [stress]can produce an internal response that inhibits the growth and productivity of your body, mind and spirit. When you are stressed out, you are putting yourself in protection mode, and protection is the opposite of development.
When you are stressed out, this is also when your sympathetic system is dominant. Among many other things, this causes your body to pump out fight or flight hormones which repress activity in your prefrontal cortex (the center of conscious activity), and oxygenated blood is taken away from your visceral organs and is concentrated in your extremities, thus potentially starving your organs. When your mind and body become pre-occupied with survival like this, the result is not only no room for positive growth, but the appearance of dis-ease becomes very real.
"A sustained protection response inhibits the creation of life-sustaining energy. The longer you stay in protection, the more you compromise your growth. In fact, you can shut down growth processes so completely that it is a truism that you can be 'scared to death'." ~ Bruce Lipton, Biology of Belief
According to estimates by the World Health Organization (WHO) Global Burden of Disease Survey:
Mental disease, including stress-related disorders, will be the second leading cause of disabilities by the year 2020.
Although the term "stress" is used in a wide variety of contexts, it has consistently been demonstrated that individuals with stress and related disorders experience impaired physical and mental functioning, more work days lost, increased impairment at work, and a high use of health care services.
The disability caused by stress is just as great as the disability caused by workplace accidents or other common medical conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, and arthritis.
The American Stress Institute reports that:
* More than 40% of all adults suffer adverse health effects as a result of stress.
* More than 75% of all visits to primary-care physicians are for stress-related complaints or disorders. ( you would think they would be better trained for it!)
* Stress has been linked to all leading causes of death, including heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents and suicides.
* Stress is responsible for more than half of all workdays lost annually.
* Approximately 80% of the health-related problems in technologically-advanced countries are stress related.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. ~ Marcus Aurelius Antoninus "
I do hope you get to go to the ME Seminar (I'd lOve to go to one of those too, and can't wait 'till they come to the UK! ) but it's important to TRUST Yourself! I know this will probably sound as ridiculous to you now as it would have to me when I was going through this, but I'm hoping that The Magic Pill ebooks will help it make more sense. Trust Yourself to guide you to the best route for you, and allow it.
I've found that when we reeeeeeally want something, and we don't get it, whether we get something better or not can often depend on our reaction at that point. Of course, it's natural to be dissapointed, but practise the phrases in The Magic Pill.
Right now, I'd say give yourself at least TWO WEEKS BREAK. Spend every day, if you can, doing only what feels good. Don't think about what will happen after two weeks; for the moment, just spend your time being and relaxing.
Decide that you deserve a break. Having read the information above on Stress - I'm CERTAIN that if you can take at least Two Weeks (as long as you can really, but at least two weeks), and treat it as recovery time, and if you can do the following, I have a very very strong feeling that you will experience very impressive results....
* Remember that what you "do" physically is not what creates and manifests, remember it is only how you vibrate that does that. Physical action is only to make it make sense to the conscious mind - because that's the "reality" we're experiencing at the moment.
* Spend as much of your time as you can: resting; watching comedy on T.V. / at the movies/ online; doing whatever kind of exercise you find fun and enjoy (could even be something you've never done before); SLEEP as much as possible!!! As someone who's had Fibromyalgia I know that one of the MAIN problems with it is that you don't get enough sleep. Sleep all day sometimes if you feel like it.
* Decide that you're taking two weeks off completely to recover, and then after those two weeks, you'll do what you feel inspired to do regarding work etc. And if you can do this, you won't have to look far!! If you're able to take this time off (and I mean physically, Emotionally AND Mentally take the time off), the opportunities will Find YOU!!
* Write if you like - write letters to people that you may never send. If you feel there is unfinished business emotionally, write a helluva letter to that person - say EVERYTHING you have inside you - swear (cuss), insult, really let rip. Get yourself a nice cup/mug/glass of something you like, and sit down when you'll be undisturbed and just start writing or typing. It will begin to flow. This is one of the most Effective ways of releasing stress that is being held in the body! Once you've finished the letter, read it. Then delete it (if it's on your computer) or tear it up/ burn it ceremoniously if it's hand-written.
* Write a list of all the people who make you feel good. They can be people you know, or people you don't know. They can be actors or singers, they can be icons or friends, they can be neighbours or family members. And then decide to expose yourself to at least three of those people each day - whether it's in person, online, by telephone, through watching one of their movies or an interview, reading an interview online, listening to their music, or just thinking about them.
* SLEEP as much as you can!!
* Increase the amount of water you drink each day.
* SLEEP as much as you can.
I hope this helps. Keep posting here. I'll post more as I think of it as well.
Love and Light and Magic xxx
Hi Pamela, Thanks for the love and encouragement.
My main problem with depression stems from low self-esteem. I had an unhappy childhood, lived with physical and emotional abuse, and was raised in a very restrictive religion (JW) where I wasn't allowed to associate with anyone who was not of that religion... and our family was the only one in our town until I was 20! When I was very little, I had imaginary friends, but as I got older people made fun of me and said I was crazy for talking to myself, so I stopped. I was VERY lonely and very isolated. I never rebelled like most teens do. I tried to be a good girl. I obeyed my parents rules as best I could. I preached on weekends, even though I hated it and thought it was rude to bother people on Saturday morning when you hadn't been invited. I was told I had a bad attitude and I was selfish and un-spiritual. I felt guilty and unworthy.
I suffered from depression all of my life, until I met the man who became my husband. I was a single mother with a 6 yo son. (My son was conceived in date rape. My church shunned me for a year, and told me it was my fault because I dated a man who was not in "The Truth" and I should have known better. I believed my religion was the truth, so I stayed it in, but I changed congregations because I felt judged for having a child out of wedlock.) I was living on disability and public assistance and I had very low self-esteem and self-worth. I was so depressed, I had checked myself into the hospital. I was fresh out of my 3rd stay at the hospital, full of anti-depressants and ECT (shock treatments) still feeling pretty low, but accepting that I would probably be depressed for the rest of my life, because that is what I deserved for being a sinner.
I moved to a new congregation, which is where I met Paul. He asked me out and we hit it off right away. He was different from anyone I had ever met. I told him of my depression, and he said it was just the people I was associating with and listening to were filling my head with negativity. He suggested I stay away from negative people, especially my mother, because she was the most negative, verbally abusive person he had ever met! He encouraged me to have an opinion and to express it, even if others disagreed. He told me to buy only what I like and do only things I enjoy... Say no if I don't want to something... Always put myself first. No one had ever told me anything like this before and it was the opposite of everything I was taught. It was hard at first, but as I started saying no to people, I felt less fear, less depression, and the world started to look like a place I'd like to live.
We got married 4 months later and and slowly Paul got me away from my mother. Boy was he right about her! 2 years later we both left the religion and disassociated ourselves. (My parents do not speak to me and in their opinion I am spiritually dead.) I started exploring New Age and New Thought. I was mostly happy for the next 8 years. I had some situational depression, but Paul was always quick with a solution. He said the most important thing in life was to be happy, no matter what. Wise man.
The only thing I could not conquer was money problems. We had money problems the last 2 years of our marriage. He was a truck driver and I didn't work. My disability check covered the rent, but Paul wanted to be rich and it just wasn't happening. He wanted me to put my son in boarding school and come live with him on the truck. No way! I had a voice and I used it. 6 months later he left us. The depression and anxiety returned. How was I going to support myself and my son? My rent was covered, but that was it. You can't do whatever you want without a source of income. I prayed for a miracle.
My friend Tony offered to help financially. He was retired, "comfortable" financially, and he was like my uncle. He offered to buy me a small house for me and my 16 yo son to live in. My son said he had ulterior motives, but he was in a relationship, and I just didn't see it. Six months later he broke up with his girlfriend and we started dating. That Christmas Tony asked me to marry him. I just didn't feel comfortable marrying him... although he gave me everything I wanted materially, he was the opposite of Paul in attitude. He wanted me to lie to his family, he is an atheist and thinks my woo-woo stuff is a bunch of cr@p, and he LOVES all things negative... especially the news!
By the time I realized I should leave him, 2 years had gone by and it was too late. Once we moved in together I found out he has a drinking problem and can be quite mean when drunk. We had sold both of our houses and he was building me my dream house. My gut told me to leave, but I felt trapped. I tried tomake it work. I tried to get him into counseling. I tried to get him to go to AA. He told me I was the problem. He was happy, why couldn't I be happy too. Maybe I should start drinking.
Oh boy, I'm living in a beautiful house in a new county where I know no one and I feel trapped. I can't tell the neighbors how unhappy I am, they all think we are the perfect couple. The house is beautiful, but it feels like a prison. My son was deployed to Iraq 3 weeks after we moved in, and the next 3 years were hell. My closest friends moved out of state. I wanted to leave him, but I felt trapped and I had no one to talk to. I could not support myself financially, my health had taken a turn for the worse. I was in constant pain, I could not sleep, I could not eat... I was nauseas daily for 3 years (just recently improved), and couldn't eat anything all day... only at night... I lost 45 pounds, I could only walk a short distance and had to use a wheelchair for distance because my legs would go numb and I would collapse. I asked Tony to put me in a little apartment, but he refused. He was angry that I wasn't happy after he had given me everything I asked for. Well, he gave me the material things I asked for, but emotionally and spiritually, I felt beaten.
The breaking point came when my 19 yo niece was visiting and caught him taking pictures of her in the shower. I freaked. Up until that day, I had never hit anyone in my life. Needless to say, I hit like a girl, and my wrists got quite bruised and he wasn't injured. We broke up that night. I threw him out of the house and changed the locks. A few days later, we talked. The house is in his name only and since we never married he said I wasn't entitled to anything. He agreed to let me stay at the house through the holidays and he would move back in January, and I would have to find a new place to live. To top it all off, my son was to be deployed to Iraq for a second tour. I was at the lowest I had ever been in my life and I truly wanted to die.
A week later, I got an email suggesting an uplifting, inexpensive gift... The Secret DVD. I watched it online and at the opening credits, I started to cry. I had goosebumps all over my body, and I knew God had sent this to me. I ordered the DVD and started a gratitude journal. I specifically wanted to change my relationship with Tony, so I wrote Tony is generous with me and supportive. I focused on all of the good times and wrote about them. Within 2 weeks, Tony agreed he should give me something, and he gave me a cash settlement. I asked for a specific amount and Tony gave it to me. Wow! This stuff works!
Unfortunately I didn't know how to handle money and I had no confidence in myself. I was still reeling from the break-up and my family's reaction to it, and worrying about my son. I am happy to say my son did not have to serve a second tour in Iraq and he was discharged soon after.
The point is, I did try anti-depressants again. They are not the answer for me. I need to find myself again. I need find and associate with like-minded people. I know I've got negative sub-conscious stuff that needs to change.
I know that I was meant to find PATHS so I can change the unconscious programing. I found PATHS through a google search for Matrix Energetics. I found Matrix Energetics while searching for an EFT practitioner. I got all of Gary's CDs and watched them and did EFT on myself, but often felt much worse. I gave up on doing EFT alone, though I'd wouldn't mind trying it with a practitioner. As far as M.E. is concerned, Loved the book and I've had some success 2-pointing inanimate objects, but not so much on myself. Physician, heal thyself? Wherever 2 or more are gathered in his name? That's why I want to go to the M.E. Seminar. There's power in numbers. I've let go of attending this weekend. If it is meant to be, it will happen and the right circumstances will occur.
Thank you again for welcoming me into the community. And thank you for letting me share my story. I hope it will help others.
Love and Light,
When I logged on this afternoon, I found a link to your site and requested your 2 ebooks. Then I checked this thread to see if anyone had posted and I found your posts with links to the 2 ebooks! I guess my synchronicity module is kicking in. lol Thank you so much! I haven't read them yet, as I wanted thank you first for your wonderful post. I'm going to print it out.
I will follow your advice, read the ebooks, rest, sleep, sleep some more, watch funny movies, and go ballroom dancing! I will take as much time off as I can... I just started training for a part-time job. Funny, but they only scheduled me for 8 hours this week. I was discouraged at first, but now I am happy!
I've decided to sign up as an affiliate today. I woke up and something told me to do it, so I am trusting myself.
Well, I'm off to read your ebooks now. Thank you again for the links!
Love and Light,
Hi Pam ~
I read your story. Believe it or not, the first half sounds very much like mine. I was also raised a strict JW in a very rural area in Va. where the only other JW's were my cousins. I was beaten regularly throughout my childhood because I was not "obedient to The Truth" - haha!! I asked to be disfellowshipped soon after turning 20 and my family disowned me as well.
For the next ten years I experienced extreme hatred for my mother, family, and other JWs. However, I learned that the hatred was only hurting me. I eventually learned to forgive them and have not looked back since.
The point is, I know you have been telling this story for many years. You were wronged, there is no denying that. However, in order for you to grow, heal, and move on with your life in a positive manner, you have to stop telling the story and reliving it. Until you stop telling the story and replaying it in your mind, you will never be able to forgive and move on. Your past is a huge albatross around your neck. And I know this may sound harsh, but you are choosing to keep the past as a present part of you when you keep it alive in your memory.
It is not an easy task to forgive and forget...I know. But you have to find a way to at least not keep thinking about it. Try to replace some of the negative memories with positive ones. And if you don't have any positive memories, make them up.
There are several PATHS modules that may help you to feel better, but you have to attempt some of the foundation work yourself. Releasing old thoughts and habits of thinking is a daunting task, but the end results are so worth it.
I hope this helps.
Odille (Illusions) always has excellent advice and I would pay close attention to what she has to offer.
Wow! What are the chances that two women named Pamela were raised JWs, left as adults (I was 39), and ended up here at PATHS?
The PATHS modules I am using are: Break Through to Enlightenment, Increased Synchronicity, Successful Living Phase 2, Ho’oponopono Healing, and Project1World Team. It's been less than 3 weeks, but I can see some results already. The synchronicities the past couple of days have been amazing.
Wow! I can't believe you mentioned making up positive memories! I just started doing that last night!!! I was writing in my Gratitude Journal, and I suddenly had an idea to create a What if...? Journal. (I am a big fan of journaling, and I've got about 7 or 8 "subject" journals) I got a pad of paper and started writing: What if I had a magic book and everything I wrote happened? What if I could write a new story about my childhood? What if I had loving, affectionate parents? What if each of them told me they loved me every morning, and every night when they tucked me into bed? What if my parents told me "God loves you Pammy, and so do I" every day? What if my Mom was always on my side? What would that feel like?... I meditated on each statement and visualized and got into the feelings. I wrote 3 pages!
Maybe you wrote this to me and I sent it to myself last night...? Another synchronicity.
Thank you for responding and for all of your suggestions. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I am dwelling on my childhood, my parents or the JWs. Other than at Christmas time, I rarely ever think about them. I have been doing forgiveness work for the past 2 years and I've got a Childhood/JW Journal to vent in when I need to. I don't usually share my personal history, and I try not to write (or say) anything negative; but when I read this thread, I identified with feeling like I'd hit Rock-Bottom, and it felt safe to share my feelings and experiences.
I am so happy and grateful for the love and caring that I have experienced in the past 24 hours or so on this forum.
The reason I shared my history was to illustrate that it wasn't a chemical imbalance that needed medication, but circumstances that caused low self-esteem. When those circumstances changed and I learned to value myself, my depression lifted. It's the same now. I allowed myself to create the circumstances for low self-esteem. As soon as I start valuing myself again, my depression will disappear. That, and I started my cycle today, so I'm not feeling Rock-Bottom anymore. lol
The conscious stuff, I've pretty much got a handle on... It's the UN-conscious thoughts and past-life issues that I need help with... I've been unable to find anything to break through my sub-conscious programing thus far. That's why I said PATHS and M.E. are my last hope.
I chose Ho'oponopono to activate the sub-conscious forgiveness/healing process, and Break Through to Enlightenment to release negative thought patterns and increase my confidence and understanding of my Self.
Now if I can just get to the M.E, Seminar and learn Time Travel and Alternate Universes...
Anyway, I'm so happy to know a former JW! Lots of love to you Pammie! I am looking forward to getting to know you.
Love and Light,
Wow, Pam! You are sounding better already
The Synchronicity module is one of my all-time favorites. It is so much fun to watch how things line up unexpectedly
And I know of at least one other former JW on this forum. Considering there are not that many of them around, it is funny that there are a few here.
Last edited by Pamela Vicik-Smith : 05-01-2008 at 03:01 AM.
Dear, Sweet Pam,
I have been quite unactive on this forum for a few months now as I have been working out a gazillion things in my own crazy life, but I have been reading posts whenever I can find the time and when I read this thread, I couldn't stop myself from coming out of the woodwork to let you know that I am sending you much Love and Light.
Odille and Pammie are giving you fabulous advice (you GO, Girls! ) and it is wonderful that you have found this forum which is filled with the most loving people who will welcome you and support you while you work through this disconcerting time which is really an illusion. I don't know if you have read the Conversations With God books, but the author, Neale Donald Walsh, does a beautiful job of explaining how to use the illusions of need, failure, disunity, insufficiency etc. to our advantage. I highly recommend all of his writings to help you consistantly remember not only your Divinity, but how Loved you are.
While it may not seem so, you have been sent nothing but angels throughout your entire life. And you, as the creater of your "reality", have called every person, place and event of your life TO you in order to create perfect opportunities to know yourself in a particular way. It is important to look at what may seem to be negative situations and people as gifts and to Bless them. These situations and people are your teachers. Never forget that each moment is another opportunity to Re-create yourself anew and it seems from your last post that you are doing just that!!!
I am so glad to hear that you have your PATHS theatre as the modules are profoundly powerful and will help in many ways. And NOW you have the support from the Lovies of this forum who will jump right in to help whenever you desire! What a Blessing!!!
Okay...enough for now from me... But things are starting to calm down in my neck of the woods, so I'll be back soon... Keep posting and know we are all thrilled that you have joined us!
With Much Love and Gratitude,
Pamela (Yeah...another one...)
Hello Pamelas A thread of Pamelas and me - but of course, I'm just an illusion, so it's just Pamelas here
Pam, thank you SO much for sharing your story in detail - I can't tell you how Valuable it is!! I understand what Pamela said about not dwelling on things by retelling and reliving the story, and generally as we know of course, that is the aim (and as you said, you don't dwell on it and it's not a conscious thing), but it is important in these forums to give the background on your story so far so that we can understand better and help better. So the more detail, the better help we can give. Giving information on your story so far is very different to complaining about it
Not only that, but it helps so many people who may never post, but who will read this and perhaps identify with it. And in identifying with it, they'll receive encouragement and support from the advice and support given to you
Of course, you're Spot-on on the Self Esteem root!! Is there a reason you haven't chosen the Self Esteem Module? I reccomend it as a basic for everyone since I believe that self esteem is at the root of EVERYTHING. My family and I have all had really impressive results from that module.
Of course, The Magic Pill ebooks are specifically for regaining your Self Esteem (I say regaining because it is something we are born with and something that should come naturally to us, but it is conditioned out of us).
It's interesting hearing about your background of JW because, although I don't know much about the JW religion, I had been thinking about how we're raised as humans - just how much of our lives is designed SEPECIFICALLY to Lower self esteem!!!
Apart from parental and educational systems and methods, and the way society works generally, most religions and spiritual beliefs that I know of seem to be designed to pull down that self esteem. In most religions that I'm aware of, we're taught that we are "unworthy" - even just being told there is someone bigger and more powerful than you that you should "serve" is designed to pull down the self esteem and keep it there.
Pam you are a Shiny Inspiration to us all, and I can't wait to hear more from you!!!
Keep us updated! I'm SO glad you're going to take a break and do some fun and loving stuff for yourself. (ballroom dancing! - Nice one!!! ) And I know that you'll experience Magic in the combination of all of that plus Paths!!
The "what if" journal's a Fabulous idea!!! Thanks for sharing it!!
Pam, you are a Gift to this forum and to me - I'm honoured to be permitted into your story, and we're all here for you.
Love and Light and Fabulousness xxx
Last edited by illusions : 05-01-2008 at 06:05 AM.
one more thing, along with echoing what others have said....
Some free tools/techniques from
Look to the far right under "Resources".
I recommend the vow break stuff and the triple or quadruple grid.
There are some good articles and info....
Hope you make it to Matrix,
Last edited by Avatarza : 05-01-2008 at 06:31 AM. Reason: wrong url
[quote=illusions;18847] I had been thinking about how we're raised as humans - just how much of our lives is designed SEPECIFICALLY to Lower self esteem!!!
Apart from parental and educational systems and methods, and the way society works generally, most religions and spiritual beliefs that I know of seem to be designed to pull down that self esteem. In most religions that I'm aware of, we're taught that we are "unworthy" - even just being told there is someone bigger and more powerful than you that you should "serve" is designed to pull down the self esteem and keep it there.
Now, this is "The Truth" - haha!
Wow! What a ride!
The past 48 hours have been nothing short of incredible!
Let me apologize in advance for the loooooong post.
I asked Grace to do some corrections for me, and within 24 hours I felt a subtle shift. The next day, the floodgates broke open!
I talked with the woman who introduced me to PATHS (Pegi doesn't post here) and Matrix Energetics the day after I posted here. She told me that when we had our M.E. session there was something she didn't tell me. She said I had someone else's energy attached to me, and that was why I was having such a hard time and nothing was working for me. This energy was blocking me. She told me I needed to talk to it... tell it I don't want it here and charge it rent. Charge it rent? Sure, she said, it's lazy... tell it to get a job and pay you rent... after all, it is blocking you from manifesting what you want! Well, I got MAD! Now I haven't really gotten mad in a long time. Oh did we have a talk! I'm so glad no one culd hear me, because I was talking out LOUD to this energy, and I really vented. It told it it had no right to block me from my good and it owed me $10,000 per month in rent. Since it is May 1st, your rent is due today. PLUS you owe me back rent of $150,000 for the past 15 months. Consider this your 3 day notice! You have 3 days to come up with this month's rent or you will be forcibly removed.
I ranted and raved at it, feeling my feelings and expressing them with feeling! Then I decided, I don't want the money... I want it GONE NOW! TODAY! Once it is gone, I can manifest my own money, thank you very much. I spent most of the day ranting at it and telling it it had some nerve attaching itself to me... you lazy sob. If I've got to get a job, so do you! I had a LARGE chunk of money, and I had been berating myself for not handling it well, and all along I had this thing sucking the energy out of me and blocking me from generating income... GRRRRRRRRRRRR. I don't know if it is an entity, or just energy, but I told it to go to the light, it is safe there. But whether you go to the light or not, you've got to go. Either pay me and go, or just go. I thought about doing Ho'oponopono on it, but decided to wait and ask Grace or Moira about what to do about it. I spent the rest of the day reading CEM posts and resting, taking good care of me.
Yesterday I woke up feeling peaceful. That was a first! It was a busy day, and I felt confident that everything that happened was what was meant to be. I noticed so many synchronicities, it was funny! Everything that I thought could be "bad" I just accepted, and it turned out to be the perfect thing for me at the moment. Even traffic! The people I talked to, the connections I made... it all fit together perfectly. I let the day unfold and did what I felt like doing in the moment.
My hairdresser suggested I talk to a clairvoyant about this energy, and she gave me a card of someone she trusted. I had wanted to get a reading from Moira, and ask her if she had ever dealt with this kind of situation before, but I was a little concerned about the money. I decided to check this person out. Her office/store was only a few blocks away, and Amanda said she was awesome. As I was driving over I kept thinking about Moira, but I wasn't trusting my instincts. I decided to see what this psychic had to say. When I arrived there was a sign on the door: CLOSED on Friday, May 2nd. Will open again Saturday, May 3rd 10 am. How's that for an answer?
Let me give a HUGE THANK YOU to Moira right here and now! I never contacted her, but read on...
When I got home, I logged on to the Psychic Readings thread and read it. Then I clicked onto Moira's site and checked out her articles and her library. One of the ebooks I downloaded is Joe Vitale's Energy Manual. I skimmed through the part about muscle testing another person. I thought, this isn't what I'm looking for... I already know all of this... but I kept reading. On page 19 was a section on checking for Split and Multiple personalities. The word SPLIT just about jumped out of the page! I muscle tested, and sure enough, I had a split! (No multiples) I was blown away. I read the cause (childhood abuse/trauma) and the did the exercises, and cleared the split. I immediately felt different, lighter, and a little bit dizzy. It was 2 am and I thought about going to bed, but I decided to read just a little bit more.
The next section was Checking for Attached Beings. OH MY GOD! This was the solution to my issue! And it was FREE on Moira's site! So from 2:00 - 3:30 am, I released the attached beings and removed all cords and implants! ALL CLEARED! I had to go to bed, but the next section is: Making Peace with Middle Self and Program Manager. Making friends with your Ego and File Manager. Reclaiming Your Personal Power. I'll be doing that tonight!
I recommend this ebook to everyone who feels like they have hit Rock Bottom, and to everyone who has experienced childhood trauma/abuse. Entities like to attach to children and removing them is easy and painless.
Pamela V-S, you suggested I find a way to release the past. Your lips to God's ear. Thank you! You are already a blessing in my life.
Pamela, thank you for such a warm welcome and sending me love and light! I read the first 2 Conversations books when they first came out, which was quite a while ago. I never really thought about angels being around me or with me. That is a new concept for me.
Do you know that I have only know 1 other person named Pamela in my whole life? I've met 1 other person in the checkout stand with our name, but for there to be 3 Pamela's here... incredible!
illusions, I read both of your e-books, and they are fantastic. You are so right about Self-Esteem being the root of all evil. I've been practicing noticing how much I love myself for the past 48 hours, and it has really helped a lot!
Moira, THANK YOU for posting a downloadable library on your website! You may never know how many people you have helped. You are a blessing to this community. I will post a shorter version on your thread.
I am so happy and grateful to EVERYONE here. I have had such an outpouring of love and support, even help from people I haven't met yet! What an incredible community! I love you all!
Well, I'm off to ballroom dancing again!
Love, Light, and Gratitude,
Improvement comes in flashes!
Thanks for your story ...
As I read your story I felt what may be up with all of this. Improvement normally does not come in a linear manner, it comes SUDDENLY. You work on your mood and feeling good, as as long as you keep yourself in a good feeling place (Allowing) then suddenly something wonderful manifests, but what happens is that doubt comes along and old habits of thought suddenly push that manifestation away, your 100$ to play online in casino is one such example I suppose, You kept your self in good feeling place and something manifested but I suppose that when the evidence of manifestation appeared you simply unconsciously pushed it away although you didn't really want to do that, but your old habits returned again, to resist a change. Or maybe you felt that you don't deserve it or that sort of feeling.
These observations have come to me by seeing how allowing makes one's vision improve. Vision Improvement is a good testing tool for law of attraction. Vision normally gets improved in flashes and rarely improves linearly, when you suddenly get a flash of clear vision doubt and worry comes along and makes your flash go away. To make things remain as they are one must remember "the better I feel the better it gets and the better it gets the better I feel" and there is no end to it. One must constantly think of feeling a little better although I think oscillations are natural at first but eventually the oscillations decrease in amplitude and the improvement starts going up exponentially! It is so much like escaping from the gravity of the earth! As you go far enough from the earth it gets easier and easier to fly away until you reach a complete state of ALLOWING as Abraham speaks of that manifesting everything becomes extremely easy and straight forward. The first steps are always the hardest ones.
Anyway only some observations of mine!