This is silly, I wrote an epic post a bit ago and then erased it all cuz I thought I was going overboard, Ive been Identifying with alot on this thread.

I do want to say I am really touched an amazed at the love and dedication and support in this thread. Grace, your kindness, strength, wisdom and pure giving heart has made my eyes get all misty while reading your responses. I think its because I am seeing in you a reflection of who I wish myself to be someday. I am 1/2 way through the busting loose book and in a preschool sort of way can see you all as me and my creation. And what a beautiful creation. Mindboggeling as it is.

I want to thank Sally Jane, Jan, and Kim for your honesty and willlingnes to be that open and vulnerable here in asking for help. I have only been reading this thread a few days but been on PATHS for a year now too. I have been very wary of asking for help. Your courage I think is rubbing off on me-as i am posting...So I guess really your courage is my courage.

I have in my past climbed out of homelessness and had my tour of duty in and out of shelters and i guess I am still in the rebuilding process- that just hit me. Being kinder and gentler to myself is a big one. I also have lived with immense shame around sex and sexuality. I heard my state once described as sexual annorexia- as I have not let myself have a deep and true love relationship yet in my life ...and very little sex as it and the intimacy scares me on some unconcious level. I keep thinking I want to experience love and the joy of sharing my life with another. And after a year of PATHS I worry that I am in need of the remedial learning PATHS programs. For my dedication in watching and trust I do think I should have sssoooo much more to show for it. But all you describe reading/studying ect Kim, SJ and Jan I realize I am in small pototoe land as far as what I have invested. I honor and respect your dedication to you self and your growth and the service you offer to others!

I need to get going but I have some questions and requests for corrections/transformations from Grace and any here. For starters I just wanted to say mee too please for all the collective corrections on soo many issues that I feel and experience also.

will hopefully get back here soon. Thanks for all your love in here. Its better than chocolate.

Blake

Adrienne, thank you for your insight as well. I loved your acronym of HOW too... very interesting to ponder.... I have to "give up", just still trying to figure out what that actually means. I'd love to "give up" my current job. LOL It's good to be reminded though that you all have been through similar struggles - and are coming through them.

Okay, enough rambling about me again. Thanks again for reading! I hope I'm not taking over this thread too much lately! I do appreciate your responses though!!!

Hi KimJ.. what i meant about feeling like giving up... well i felt it.... it wasn't something i was trying to do... and it came from the sense of trying too hard... and feeling like I didn't know what else to do... i was overwhelmed and tierd and that is where that came from... and it was a deffinit inside thing not an outside thing.. giving up control and trying to run the show... (from ego, not from spirit...make sense) and that is where the HOW came in, and i started asking open ended question "what do i do , and how do i do it" to the source/god/universe... what ever works for you....
there is an interesting thing i have heard from some people and also read somewhere... that chasing the feeling or trying to get somewhere.. well we probably won't ever get there... each and every spiritual experience is unique... so be grateful for the one 'you' had and stop looking... when we stop looking or stop seeking... it will just happens...
I think that many of us have been programed/conditoned to think we always have to DOing something, yet we are human BEings... so in BEing there is nothing truely required of us... it is the outside that has influenced us... to do this or do that then we will be this or be that...

Now we are moving back to who we truely are which is BEing... infinit potencial, god, infite beings...
I like to call these times of frustration and challenging experiences where one is not satisfied...Riding the wave... wait it out... cuz one thing that is a gaurantee is change... it will change... be patient KimJ... it will change... it ALWAYS DOES...
although it can be very uncomfortable... do you use the Process from busting loose... if not are you willing?
Honesty... to self, to others, white lies are not honest either... they are still fear based... it is being nice, or taking the easy way out...
Openmindedness... well open to trying something different, taking suggestion, other possibilities... that maybe something more is happening.. and that the ideas in our head could simply be ego talking... check out the thread openminded skeptic... not sure how to put a link in for it... we can think we are openminded.. however...
Willingness.... willing to ... whatever... are you willing to let go? we may want.. and are always left wanting... but are we willing to do what is necessary to achieve what we desire deep down within... and it is within that the answers are...
Paths helps bring forth the things that lay dormant in the subconscious and when they pop up into the consciouse mind, we will have alot of feelings... if we feel those feelings then we let go , see the truth of what is come up....
we don't know till we know... when it is faced then it is freed. the boogeyman exposed for what it really is...
when released then it is gone... of course there are layers..
i have had to feel alot of stuff....ALOT OF STUFF... some of the hardest work you'll ever do, but the most rewarding...
We can also use many outside distractions to avoid feeling... so feelings can either come up or out or control us... I think that would be a great place to start... are you willing...
any how i think i am now ramblimg... and many people gain from you posting KimJ... so don't stop... you are allowd to take up space.. there is an unlimited amount of space for us all...
hope this is helpful... you are already there... this is a turning point for you.... Goddess Adriana

My heartfelt thanks to you, Adrienne. I appreciate your kind words and your openness to share what you've learned. Feeling the feelings to let go has resonated with me as I think I'm doing the opposite... Ignoring because "what we think we create" so don't you dare think anything not good! Yet it all makes sense as it's still there so it's still doing the creating even if I'm pretending it's not there... I think I'm getting it..... baby steps... to where? I know, no where but now here.

Marnyka,
Just wanted to thank you for jumping in and let you know I can relate to how you're feeling. Obviously I can't give you any insight (LOL) but just wanted to thank you for posting and hope you find some insight among all the wonderful answers I've been getting in my ramblings and answers I've been given.

Blake,
Thanks so much for letting me know my rambling is helping someone else out there, even to know we're all going through it at some level. I feel so anonymous in posting that I'm not sure how much courage it took, but in a way it did so here's a pat on the back for me and you too! LOL Good luck on your journey and thank you for openness and willingness to share as well.

Kim

Grace,

Your corrections and module suggestions, as well as the powerful affirmations, are all working a lot of goodness in my life.

Thank you!!!!! You said I was 94% of the way there. I feel like I am now 99% of the way there.

May you be blessed for this!
Belle

Hello again.

Id like to ask for some help clearing or correcting what I think might be a core block to moving on and up for me. (?)

I know I am far from the only one with a painful past and I have heard much more harrowing stories than mine. I can appreciate i am lucky in many ways but I have a hard time staying there and this stuff I feel is still doing a number on me subconciously.The Busting Loose book seems to have a radical shift in perspective that completely deletes the idea of victumhood. I need help in getting there and holding its "teachings".

I grew up in a alcoholic family with a g-pa and extended family members who molested their children and grandchildren. I got memories of the abuse when I was in my early twenties and wasnt sure if it was for real. But my life started crumbling after. From what I remember it only happened to me on holidays and family celibrations when wed visit the grand folks. It would happen at night often after ruckus drunken family parties. After some healing I made the mistake (?) and had a family meeting to confront my grandfather and see if it was for real. As one might suspect it didnt go well but one person was for the time not in the family denial. When it was over I had corroberating stories from an Aunt who never forgot her abuse. I learned more than I wanted to know and with more time watching my family from afar I really dont think any one < Mother, aunts, uncles and all their kids escaped the direct hand of g-pas abuse...let alone the fall out (addictions ect.)

I really shut down after that. I think because, with it validated and I couldnt deny my anger any more... And I didnt do anything like angry. I was such the nice little mammas boy, people pleaser, peace maker. So total shut down... and the real beginings of coping (stuffing ) with food and solo sex and depression kicked in big time. Homelessnes (shelters) were on again and off again before and after this because I was unable to maintain a job. I let my fears and feelings take over then.... and I really dont think I have totally reclamed myself yet.

My mother also died when I was sixteen. She and I were really close...perhaps unhealthy close...and that grief and her unresolved parental curses are still swimming in my subconcious and parts of my life.

I have to say, I am zillions of times better now though. I dont think its enough anymore but I have been living so much more in the here and now all ...Its so rare that I unpack this story anymore. I am a bit wary of doing it now but I want to begin the REAL clean up and learn how to "Bust Loose" from it. I have been working steady -and well- with the same job for over three years now which is a total success for me.Perhaps not my life carrer but a good fit for now. I feel like I have been trying not to bring all my past into this new growth. But I guess Im seeing its all wrapped up in my "now" wether I pay attention to it or not... Until I choose to do the work to delete it from my reality. I have a bit of extra resources to start some real inner work now and I'm planning for The Matrix workshop in Seattle in March.

Thank you for listening to all that...Here are my questions/requests.

Can you help me figure out (and release) my fears of moving on and being happy. Letting myself love and be loved and grow into my strengths and Joy? I some how think Ive concluded being "happy" is joining my drunken,partying denial ridden family (not like I'm not there with them like this in my own "addictions" and pain) But I think theres a survivors guilt or a feeling of betrayal to all still suffering (including myself) if I decide to move on. Also I think there might be some anger at mom dying so Im holding myself hostage to try and get her back...? Rationally I know I am no use to anyone while wallowing in my pain but the pain is "safe". Maybe I also think if I live the pain well enough and deep enough The abusers will see the effects of their ways and "come around"...thats a silly dream. I guess I am still waiting to be rescued? ironically I isolate and hardy ever talk to family. I am very much the hermit. So whos going to even know where to find me if they thought it their duty to save me? I'm smart enough now to know that its ultimately going to be me ... and (as) God...who dose the saving. That iiizzz really hard to let sink in and act upon when Ive been steeped in victimhood for soo long.

One other question is... do you think that addiction-even if I'm just using food (sugar!) and sex- could be short circut-ing my attemps to break free or even let in the PATHS programing? The mental part of addiction feels like an inner skipping record or closed loop that unless broken cant let in new info or ways of thinking or chart other courses into new territory. In my experience its felt like it creates its own learning disability. I havent heard addiction addressed much in esm/PATHS. I may have missed it. I'm not a good (very consistent reader). It seems the mental aspect of long term numbing out could be a big handicap to really getting and applying all this LOA, mind over matter, busting loose stuff. I know, "argue for your limitations and they are yours".

You know how Busting Loose talks about those strategically placed eggs that can be the key supports of my illusions main frame inner structure...i think how I use food or solo sex (sounds less whimpy to me than "masterbating"... clearly an egg in that) to medicate life could be some core egg action. Ive been using food and sex really as a replacement for... oh say....everything... relationships, honest communication(i.e.intimacy), asking for help, self care, a true God connection..LOVE!

There is a very structured 12 step food program called FA (food addicts in recovery anonomys). Ive dabbled in it but have been out most of this year. I have been bucking the authority-ness of it. I also feel the 12 steps are a phase one deal for most people...not the whole truth ( and soo much identifying with the problem, but maybe those are the ones not fallowing well the suggestions?...like me). I also think it has the potential, if applied correctly and with awareness to be a phase two process. ??? FA is all encompassing and pretty strict. They have the view that flour and sugar can be for them as destuctive and deadly as alchohol is to an alcoholic.

I know the structure, and support, and accountability/integrity building, and ego busting (from the surrender to fallowing a sponsors "suggestions" -rather than my phase one brain- provided my sponsor is in phase two) are all part of what I think I need to move forward on my spiritual path. I just dont know if the 12 step FA package is the best place for me to learn these things...could you test it for me...see if its the right fit. When i did it for a while I really felt as if i'd joined a monestary but got to keep my day job and friends! It felt oddly very spiritual. If it is a stong fit maybe I'd have better luck doing it again with needed corrections to my conciouseness?

Any module suggestions would be greatly appreciated as well. i have recently acquired two more packages to create a luxurious! abundant! 12 modules in total!!! That was a leap of faith right there.

I am deeply greatful Grace that you offer to do all this for so many... I know you see the you in all of us and it brings you joy. I havent read all the pages here yet...only 5 or six so far so maybe you've addresed this somewhere here already, but from what I understand an energy exchange helps (is important?) in me recieving the most benifit of any kind of "healing" work. Is that old paradigm thinking? I feel its still true for me. I would like to offer you something for your help. Money (my appreciation) is my first thought...?

Well theres a mouth full. Hopfully this will help others also. I still think its sooo wierd you all (and everything) are me...in my conciousness..my own creation. I have only gotten to the process description in BL (which i have to say was a bit of a downer...I was soo pumped up and on board until it says my liberation is in my pain...yah move into my fears and feel the pain, embrace the discomfort for in it is my power...that must be why I am still feeling so stuck. Most of my choices are about minimizing and neutralizing all the feelings I dont like or make me uncomfortable.... It did make me think of my numbing habbits (addictions) and how not in my feelings they tend to keep me. What a trap that must be... to stay in phase one. Well there we go I have my answer. I need to keep reading though. I tried the process once on some shame and didnt feel anything-as he said would happen in the begining ...right now I'm feeling the illusion of embarrasment for "taking up so much space" writing soo much. I could try it on this.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll get less needy the more I bust my eggs. I will this time hit subit reply and let this go. Trust and move forward...go get dinner.

thanks for your love. Blake

Blake,

My heart goes out to you.

Grace does very powerful work here. I've been the recipient of some of it!

In the meantime, you might want to check out this thread Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas

It is all about the ways that traumatic past events can make it challenging to "bust loose" and create happy & joyful illusions in the hologram of life, use LOA to one's advantage, however you want to call it....

I have made great strides from using my platinum module along the lines of the information in that thread. If you don't feel like going through all of it, you might want to read just these particular posts:
Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas
Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas
Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas

And I know it is easier said than done, but please forgive yourself for those needy feelings. It isn't really "you" or it wouldn't frustrate you so much. The joyful you is there and always has been there. I know you will find YOU!

Hang in there!

Here's a metaphor: in the past, my efforts to consciously author positive feelings and thoughts was like trying to shout across a crowded place trying to get someone on the other side to hear me. The "background noise" that was winning out was all the years of conscious and unconscious negative beliefs and memories amplifying more of the same negativity into the universe.

Wow, it's amazing how this all works. I'm reading Blake's post, so amazed by him at his courage and strength and willingness, and so I decide to follow belle's links and then see the above quote. It is exactly how I feel.... it's always such a wonderful feeling when you can say, yes, that's exactly it after not quite putting your finger on it for so long. Nothing overly dramatic just a connection... I just find it all so amazing how we all work together, without ever realizing it, to give each other what we need just by being who we are and being honest.

Thanks to everyone who is contributing here, whether they know it or not.

Kim

Hi Marnyka,
well i at one point was having some issues with my bosses too... (i had posted earlier about it) perhaps a little different cuz i felt intimidated by them (male bosses) and yet had my son to take care of and was really frustrated and uncomfortable in dealing with that.... however as a parent I had to, so i was forced to deal with the feelings of what was creating this feeling of discomfort... so low and behold i did what i knew i had to do.. (take care of my family) and it turned out to be fears of not being approved of or supported or liked... however, i was also not in any type of relationships with my bosses othere than them being my boss and interacting with them only for the role they played at work....
I don't feel i can really give any insight on this as it sounds some what different, yet also somewhat the same...
I found that it was a perfect opportunity to face the feelings around men and feel them and let them go... cuz my job isn't my life... and i don't have to jump through hoops to make these people in authority happy (on a personal level) i do my job and i go home. I am also good at my job.
one thing i think of is when he is driving you crazy... send him a silent blessing from the heart... and know that he is there... or that they are all there to asist you in your growth and expantion to knowing who you truely are... one thing i have noticed is that if i continue to not deal with the feeling surrounding something i will keep creating it to happen again and again.... it is all in the feelings...
have a great day...
Love and light Adrienne

Hi KimJ,
well... first i want to thank you for sharing cuz it is a reflection of me... and your courage inspires me.

And with what you shared here, well i also thought that to feel my feelings, well i would be in a negative space then and would be therefor creating negative things...
and i really struggled with that... but on faith i just kept doing the feeling work, I was encouraged by Grace and others on this forum and some of the people where i live to feel the feelings... then i read the importance of them in busting loose and conversation with god... although it all seemed to touch on it... yet it seemed that i felt like something was missing... there would be all this talk about this, that and the other and how to change your thinking... but it seemed to leave out the how... and it was in my own insanity (felt that way) that i had to feel it... So in feeling i am letting go... all though to me I wasn't seeing or reading or hearing about the rich emotional experience... and for me i thought it was so messy and i didn't want to become/be messy and stuff... i guess perhaps these have been my own judgements...

So probably my perspective and the judgement i had/have about feeling feelings... I was looking to get from this point to that point... but wanted to skip the inbetween...
You are awesome... look forward to reading more of your posts.. Adrienne

Hi Marnyka,

I wanted to leave my job and be self supported. Well, about 2 weeks after I put something similar into my Platinum, I was put on disability. I won't go into details about all that, just suffice it to say that it is a mixed blessing. I've been at home for 4 months now, my pain is mitigated, and I am able to work on my home businesses and just hang when I need to. My disability checks are less than my paychecks, but I have unwavering confidence and belief that this is all for the best and it will all work out. And it will - I have no doubts whatsoever.

The point is, I made a conscious decision to try to fight against my present circumstances. I'm trusting in the Universe to work this out through my intentions. So far, so good.

The more you get the messages, 'Leave your job' and 'this is not your journey' and don't act upon them, the stronger your resistance will be, and the stronger the reaction (the conflicts with your bosses) will be.

You know you are ready for better times, but without having a clear road map, the trip can be a scary one. Just know that the Universe is working correctly and looking out for you. I like the idea of sending your boss a silent intention of forgiveness and/or love. While the universe may have put this situation in your path, it is up to you to decide how you will react, and eventually deal, with this situation (your bosses seem to be dealing rather poorly from your account - and I've been there many times myself).

Change is not always easy when you don't plan for it, expect it or want it. But when it comes, you can't fight it because the Universe and LOA will turn things around on you in ways you may not necessarily want or need.

Follow your heart and dreams and have absolute faith that what you do is for your best interests. Keep checking in with people like Grace, Sharyn, Keoi, MoxieMaggs, and others to make sure you are on the right course for you (they can check energetically for you). It will (although we can't see how at this moment) work out and you will be in a better place than you are now (or at least you will start taking steps to where you want to be).

Hang in there - it will work out!

Hi Blake,
Thank you so much for sharing that... well at one point i did mention some stuff about addiction... cuz I was addicted to drugs.. Men... and yesterday i wanted to shop and eat... those are new for me...
Hmmmm... I had been actively involved in a 12 step recovery group actualls two of them NA, and AA, and they were helpful and useful at the time.. but i began to see things that weren't fitting for me... I guess the aspect of me that didn't like religion.. was popping up with recovery groups too.. the fear based "if i don't attend meetings i will die" and granted in the beginning it applied if i kept using drugs... i would have killed myself... however i see now it has all gone exacftlly as it was supposed to go.. and in the beginning where i was that mentality appeared to save my ass... but as in moving out of phase 1 and into phase 2... it didn't fit... i always felt like i was runnning into a wall... although i was picking up on the point of what the people in the rooms were trying to attain (connection with there spirit) i was feeling like something was missing... whether that is cuz its a rooms full of people playingin phase one... therefor things are absolute cuz they need to understand it that way cuz of fear... or the contraditons... after awhile i felt like i was being dragged down by being in there... cuz my vibration was higher, i guess...
the energy felt dense.. and heavy...
i agree it does seem like there is alot of potencial in those steps.. ( they are all taken from the AA steps)
I have also had some great spiritual experiences in these places.. even ones that have lasted a while... then i became disconnected again.

Some times now when i am feeling lonely and scared and isolated... i think of jumping back in, cuz it gave me alot when it gave me alot... yet it doesn't feel right.. cuz i feel like i have to change to make the connection with most of the people there... although sometimes i will go like everymonth or so... and find some sycrnicity comes out of it... and i don't go cuz i am feeling lonely, but cuz i feel inspired to go...
I no longer identify myself as an addict either... which i am sorry to say seems to be looked down upon, by many (i never want to reffer to all) cuz as soon as I identify with it i am saying i am _____, and i am actually a powerful, infinit being... And also i find that in needing the groups... well in need is attatchement and in attachement is pain and suffering...Hmmm so when i find myself in that place of needing someone.. or a thing or a place... I get very miserable.. cuz I really need nothing but to be connected to the source... in other words i experience pain and then this is very much where letting go comes in... (if i allow myself to feel it) it is uncomfortable as hell... however so amazing on the otherside... Blake my thinking has changed so much... So much of what i hear so many speak of doesn't even make sense for me anymore... and isn't at all how i see things..

not sure if this is helpful for you, but you have helped me in sharing so openly about addiction... I would have also liked to have seen more discussion on this topic... yet I was too fearful to start... and there also seems to be an aspect too of focusing on what is... opposed to the issues.. I get that, but sometimes am frustrated at it too, cuz I have often felt like...HUH, I DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT...
Then i have had to go within...
I think that most of the world is addicted in someway or another.. and it can be to anything that stops feeling... which to me is looking to something outside myself to make me feel better...NOW...
For instance i did some major compulsive cleaning the other night and i knew it was to avoid how i felt... till the house was asleep... if the world stopped being so busy then we'd probably go through alot more paper products...
I also wanted to eat and shop desperatly all day yesterday, cuz i am felling stuff.... which is ok too, but this morning i made myself do some feeling work... cuz it doen't feel good to be drivin by emotion for me... and also what is still inside of me will send out a vibration and bring me more of it... so up and out i say...
If there is another way i would Love to know about it...
The addictions that have been a huge part of my life up to now are not things that i can convince myself are solutions... even if my head tells me it is a good idea...lol
Ok i think i have been totally rambling now...
so thanks again and keep sharing, cuz you help so many... and you have the right to take up space.... i am also learning toallow myself to take up space ON PURPOSE.. the process is a great tool too... takes alot of courage if it is one that fits for you.... used it this morning...

have a fabulouse day Adrienne
BTW.. the matrix seminar opened me right up... so cool you are gonna go