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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 04-26-2007, 09:17 PM
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GodSpark GodSpark is offline
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Daily ESM Joke!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was
to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see
what it was about. The letter read:


"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?

Sincerely,

Edna"


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of
the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and
the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around
while the letter was opened. It read,


"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post
Office.

Sincerely yours

Edna".


PS Keep the jokes coming!

Ulrika
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Old 04-27-2007, 06:54 PM
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LOL! Thats great. Thanks Ulrika!
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Old 04-27-2007, 10:32 PM
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Heart Attack

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance ?"

(You'll love this!!!!)

God Replied:

"I didn't recognize you."
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Old 04-28-2007, 02:54 PM
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Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?


My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go to the potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
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Old 05-01-2007, 11:07 AM
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Smile tears in my eyes

GodSpark!

Eagerly awaiting the next installment!

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Old 05-01-2007, 12:50 PM
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Have you ever spoken and wished that,,

You could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go to the potty
in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked
one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled,
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?!! Pass it on to someone
you know who needs a laugh.

Ulrika
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Old 05-02-2007, 07:29 PM
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Wink Heehee

Of course, I don't think anyone here needs this, but you'll get a chuckle out of it, anyway!

(Warning - language)

Video on rules for posting to forums

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Old 05-04-2007, 01:26 PM
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GodSpark GodSpark is offline
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An East Coast Ivy League atheist professor
was teaching a university class and
he told the class that he was going
to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by all the time taunting God,
"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

As the last minute approached he smugly smiled.

A young US Navy guy just released from active duty and
newly registered in the class walked up to the professor,
hit him full force on the chin sending him flying from his
platform and crashing to the floor.

The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled,
"WHAT's the matter with you! Why did you do that?"

The guy replied, "God was busy; He sent The Navy"


Ulrika
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Old 05-05-2007, 11:16 PM
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Smile Thank you!

Hey GS and Joy!

Thank you!

Chained to my desk everyday, cept when I am out 4-wheelin, I look forward to the daily humor!



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Old 05-06-2007, 03:46 AM
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When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.
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Old 05-10-2007, 05:10 AM
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GodSpark GodSpark is offline
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
For example, while attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and
his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare;

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.


Ulrika~*
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Old 05-10-2007, 06:17 AM
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thanks for the humor

thanks barb for the laugh......soooo perfect.....Adrienne
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Old 05-10-2007, 11:43 AM
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The things kids say...

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all
round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age
8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do
mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming
and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)



Moria x
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Old 06-02-2007, 11:36 PM
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How Old?

A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"

The grandson replies: "Five".

Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"
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Old 06-12-2007, 08:56 AM
Jure Jure is offline
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Super funny eventhough I love The Secret and Tony Robbins:

YouTube - "The Secret" on Oprah Parody by Saturday Night Live - SNL - Oprah&The Secret

YouTube - The Secret Tony Robbins Spoof by Ben Stiller - Tony R
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Old 08-05-2007, 07:19 PM
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Zen Hotdog

A Zen practitioner went up to a hot dog stand and the vendor asked what he wanted. The Zen guy said,

"Make me one with everything."

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Old 08-23-2007, 08:16 PM
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Wink Want some Coffee?

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Was the sex with your husband not good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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Old 08-23-2007, 10:00 PM
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Keoi Keoi is offline
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I laughed until I spit!!!

Aloha
Keoi
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Old 08-24-2007, 12:09 AM
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Old 08-24-2007, 03:20 AM
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laugh

hehe
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:09 PM
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Relationships

Ok this one is a slight on marriage but it's funny so I'm sharing it all in good fun:

Billy was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly
Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Billy tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old
man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail,
until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Billy.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Billy looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade....."


-Jessica
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:24 PM
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Funny British Signs

























-Jessica
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:35 PM
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From the Mouths of Babes

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minute s later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

10. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."



A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode
our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this In. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he said.

*********************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm
not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four"
***********************************

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They
were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could
tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
***********************************

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about
the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused
the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied,
"Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

***************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and
add "es".
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???)

****************************************

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The
small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant
means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently "It means
carrying a child."

********************************************

-Jessica
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:46 PM
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future pather future pather is offline
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How to prank a telemarketer :

warning. dongs.

Left me in tears!

-Jessica
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Old 08-28-2007, 02:36 AM
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Smile A few laws for your amusement

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability


The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Old 08-28-2007, 04:56 AM
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Grace Grace is offline
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Cool I love this thread!!

THANK YOU JESSICA, THANK YOU VIVIANA!!!!!!
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Old 08-28-2007, 05:31 AM
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Rin Rin is offline
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Did someone mention English teachers? We hear it all in our line of work, let me tell you!

This is a true story, it happened to me several months ago.

I was explaining about Western celebrations to one of my ESL kids. I asked him if he knew the significance of December 25th.

"Yes," he replied solemnly. "It's the day that Santa Claus died, right?"

Okay ... I guess you just had to be there.
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Old 08-29-2007, 08:25 PM
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Grace Grace is offline
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Wink Another Favorite of mine from Viviana!

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important to have a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important to have a man that makes you laugh.

3. It is important to have a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a man that loves and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

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Old 08-29-2007, 08:37 PM
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future pather future pather is offline
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Rin and Grace and all posters in this thread,

Thanks for the smiles.

Rin I thought that was funny!

Grace, with all the misundertandings between men and women this area is ripe for making jokes. I really do value relationships, but it is very good to laugh about them at times because they can be so challenging!

Jessica
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Old 08-29-2007, 08:55 PM
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Smile Challenging but yet exciting!!

Hi Jessica,

You are so right!! Relationships are such a fabulous reflection of our understanding of who we are! I value my relationships so very much, and yet Laughter is such GREAT MEDICINE I can't help but make fun of not only myself but of Life in general!!
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