There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was
to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see
what it was about. The letter read:


"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?

Sincerely,

Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of
the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and
the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around
while the letter was opened. It read,


"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post
Office.

Sincerely yours

Edna".


PS Keep the jokes coming!

Ulrika

LOL! Thats great. Thanks Ulrika!

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance ?"

(You'll love this!!!!)

God Replied:

"I didn't recognize you."

GodSpark!

Eagerly awaiting the next installment!

You could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go to the potty
in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked
one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled,
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?!! Pass it on to someone
you know who needs a laugh.

Ulrika

Of course, I don't think anyone here needs this, but you'll get a chuckle out of it, anyway!

(Warning - language)

Video on rules for posting to forums

An East Coast Ivy League atheist professor
was teaching a university class and
he told the class that he was going
to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by all the time taunting God,
"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

As the last minute approached he smugly smiled.

A young US Navy guy just released from active duty and
newly registered in the class walked up to the professor,
hit him full force on the chin sending him flying from his
platform and crashing to the floor.

The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled,
"WHAT's the matter with you! Why did you do that?"

The guy replied, "God was busy; He sent The Navy"


Ulrika

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
For example, while attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and
his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare;

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.


Ulrika~*

thanks barb for the laugh......soooo perfect.....Adrienne

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all
round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age
8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do
mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming
and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)



Moria x

A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"

The grandson replies: "Five".

Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"

Super funny eventhough I love The Secret and Tony Robbins:

YouTube - "The Secret" on Oprah Parody by Saturday Night Live - SNL - Oprah&The Secret

YouTube - The Secret Tony Robbins Spoof by Ben Stiller - Tony R

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Was the sex with your husband not good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

I laughed until I spit!!!

Aloha
Keoi