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  #361 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 04:02 PM
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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD (well almost)

1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person!



Ten (10) Things I know about you:


1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this via e-mail to see who else falls for it!
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  #362 (permalink)  
Old 12-26-2012, 08:27 PM
Mad Scientist Mad Scientist is offline
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World's Easiest Quiz?

World's Easiest Quiz?

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!


Answers:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George V's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange, of course.
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  #363 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2013, 12:06 AM
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Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART?)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Old 02-14-2013, 02:36 PM
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Old 02-16-2013, 05:05 PM
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The Old Man and the Corvette

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never heard before -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Last edited by rickoff : 02-16-2013 at 05:26 PM.
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  #366 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2013, 05:19 PM
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100 Mph Goat


Two Florida rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count - one and two and three - and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush and dive head first into the hole with no hesitation.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you ask, because we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "Well that couldn't have been him then, 'cause he was chained to a transmission!"
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Old 02-19-2013, 02:36 PM
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A conversation in the hereafter.......

Two women friends expire and find themselves meeting each other in the hereafter. The following conversation ensues:

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. It seems that we both died, but it's good to see you again.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. Good to see you too. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I beganto feel warm & sleepy, and finally I died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husbandwas cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that
I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear, as then we'd both still be alive!
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  #368 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2013, 01:42 PM
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At The Library


A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said, “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl who was now in shock. The guy whispered in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people over.”
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Old 03-02-2013, 05:56 PM
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Take me to jail!


A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.


The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if the man could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them one at a time, and handed them to the juggler.


While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “I've been drinking, and you might as well take my a** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!
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Old 03-19-2013, 09:26 PM
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Three Old Men

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said a 60-year-old man.


"You always feel like you have to urinate and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."



"Ah, that's nothing," said a 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day."



"Actually," said an 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."



"Do you have trouble urinating, too?," asked the 60-year old.



"No, I pee like a racehorse every morning at 6:00."



"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?," asked the 70-year-old.




"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."



Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "So then what's so bad about being 80?"




The 80-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until 7:00!"
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Old 04-05-2013, 03:45 PM
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John was a single guy living at home with his wealthy father and younger brother, and working in the family business. His mother had passed away a few years earlier, and he was stunned to learn that his father had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only had a few months to live.

John's father told his sons that he had made a provision in his will stating that the family business, and bulk of his financial assets, were to go to the son who was first to marry and produce a male offspring. This, he explained, was his best hope of assuring that the family name would live on and be passed on to proper heirs. Upon hearing this, both sons suddenly became very intent on quickly finding a wife.

That very evening, while searching the Internet for a possible mate, John happened upon a photo of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He quickly sent her a message telling of his desire to find a wife, and saying that he wanted to meet her in person just as soon as possible, as he had a strong feeling that she would be the perfect woman for him. To John's delight, the woman agreed to meet with him the next day for coffee and conversation in a food court at the local shopping mall.

In person, the woman looked even more gorgeous than in her photo. John knew she was way out of his league when it came to looks, so fearing she would have no interest in him came quickly to the point saying, "I may look like just an ordinary guy, but in just a few months my father will die of terminal cancer and I will inherit a fortune worth $200 million dollars if I can marry quickly and be the first son to produce a male offspring. I'd really love for you to be the woman to share in all of this with me."

Quite impressed, but wary of possible fraud, the woman asked to see his driver license and to have his business card, saying that she wanted to look into his background and establish the truthfulness of what he was claiming. She promised John that in three days he would have an answer to his proposal if he was being truthful with her.

John was elated, and when finding out that his brother had not even met with a woman yet, he felt assured that he would have the best shot at winning the family fortune. This assurance grew stronger after two days had passed with his brother still not finding a potential mate. On the third day, John was really pumped up when he received a phone call from the woman saying that she wanted to meet with John at his father's residence that evening to answer John's proposal.

John was so excited that he could hardly keep his mind on business the remainder of that day, and hurried home early that evening after the close of the business day. To his pleasant surprise, the object of his affection had already arrived at the mansion, and was seated in the parlor awaiting his arrival. John rushed over to her, and kneeling before her said, "You look so lovely, and my heart is literally leaping from my chest as I anticipate an affirmative answer from you." Clasping her hand ever so affectionately, and looking deeply into her eyes, John said, "will you marry me?"

Looking back at him with a twinkle in her eyes, and smiling broadly, the woman said, "John, I'd really love to marry you - but I cannot. To be quite honest with you, I have already found the man of my dreams and married him this very afternoon."

John stared back at her in shock, saying, "Oh, no! How could this have happened? Is it really possible that this other man could offer you any more than I have? I really must know - who is this other man? Please let it not be my brother that has stolen your hand."

"No, John," the woman gently reassured him, "it is not your brother. The man I married is your father!"

This story just goes to show that women are ever so much better at financial planning than men.

Last edited by rickoff : 04-05-2013 at 03:51 PM.
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  #372 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2013, 11:00 PM
Danny B Danny B is offline
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the potent grape

I have to put this under humor. I can't put it in energy.
Microwavable Grape Plasma - YouTube
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  #373 (permalink)  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:42 PM
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A WIFE, BEING THE ROMANTIC SORT, SENT HER HUSBAND A TEXT:

“IF YOU ARE SLEEPING, SEND ME YOUR DREAMS.

IF YOU ARE LAUGHING, SEND ME YOUR SMILE.

IF YOU ARE EATING, SEND ME A BITE.

IF YOU ARE DRINKING SEND ME A SIP.

IF YOU ARE CRYING, SEND ME YOUR TEARS. I LOVE YOU!”


THE HUSBAND, TYPICALLY NOT THAT ROMANTIC, REPLIED,

“SORRY, DEAR, NONE OF THOSE OPTIONS APPLY. I'M ON THE COMMODE, SO PLEASE ADVISE."



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  #374 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2013, 07:39 PM
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A story I heard today...

"A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends and had a few too many drinks at the local pub. Knowing full well that I was way over the legal limit for driving home, I did something I have never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived at home safely and without incident, which was quite a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before and have no idea where this one came from!"
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  #375 (permalink)  
Old 04-24-2013, 04:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rickoff View Post
"A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends
and had a few too many drinks at the local pub. Knowing full well that
I was way over the legal limit for driving home, I did something I have
never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived at home safely and without incident, which was quite a surprise
to me since I have never driven a bus before and have no idea where
this one came from!"
I can understand you.
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Old 07-30-2013, 12:26 PM
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The Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic Church.

The Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic Church.
Priest says "What are you doing here?”
The God -particle says: "You can't have mass without me."
/ Christian Esmeria. /
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Old 11-04-2013, 05:42 PM
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Rx for poison?

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked
up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband; that's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.


The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well, I'm sorry. You didn't tell me that you had a prescription!"
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Old 11-19-2013, 08:58 PM
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Things that are bad to eat.....

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

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Old 11-20-2013, 12:25 AM
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Barber Shop

A barber is cutting hair in his shop and a guy sticks his head in the door and asks "hey! How long till I can get a hair cut?" The barber looks at the clock and says "about two hours." "thanks" the man replied and closed the door and walked down the street. The next day the barber was again busy in his shop when the same man stuck his head in the door..."Hey buddy! How long to get a hair cut?" Barber says "about 3 hours". "thanks" the man replied and closed the door and walked down the street. Then next day the man stuck his head into the busy shops door again..."Hey buddy! How long to get a hair cut?" Barber says "about 1 hour". "thanks" the man said as he took off running down the street. The barber says to one of the waiting customers, "I'll give you a free haircut if you go follow that guy and see why he keeps doing that. The customer agrees and goes after the man. Some time later he returns with uncontrollable laughter. The barber asks "Whats so funny? Did you track that guy down and find out where he is going? "Yeah" the man said laughing..."He went to your house!"
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