Daily ESM Joke!

aljhoa · #**331** (**permalink**) 09-08-2011, 04:18 PM

On the French Riviera, just outside Monte Carlo.

Time To Hang Up The Car Keys

Al

Mad Scientist · #**332** (**permalink**) 09-14-2011, 02:26 PM

Supposedly an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
__________________

rickoff · #**333** (**permalink**) 09-15-2011, 02:23 AM

A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats!

aljhoa · #**334** (**permalink**) 09-15-2011, 05:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mad Scientist

Supposedly an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
__________________

Smile, You're on the Candid Camera

Al

Nadda · #**335** (**permalink**) 09-15-2011, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aljhoa

Smile, You're on the Candid Camera
Al

hmm, somebody took a picture of her taking a picture? lol
btw it took me a minute to realize that durex billboard was fake, i was looking at the wrong details lol.

Quote:

A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies.

i always wondered why i hate sleep, a couple of weeks ago my mom told me she drank tons of coffee while she was pregnant...thats explains it lol

aljhoa · #**336** (**permalink**) 10-06-2011, 04:49 PM

Romantic Dinner Date
Romantic Dinner

Al

rickoff · #**337** (**permalink**) 10-13-2011, 06:51 AM

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread. - Conan Obrien"

"Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of “less government, more toppings” has been well received. - Jimmy Kimmel"

Mad Scientist · #**338** (**permalink**) 10-18-2011, 10:21 PM

ONLY IN BRITAIN - COMPLAINTS TO LOCAL COUNCILS….. Extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
__________________

rickoff · #**339** (**permalink**) 10-28-2011, 09:41 PM

Barry says to OWS protestors:

rickoff · #**340** (**permalink**) 10-30-2011, 07:12 PM

Three parishioners from the local church were asked by their pastor, "When you're in your casket, and your family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie answered: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Jerome commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

rickoff · #**341** (**permalink**) 11-29-2011, 09:36 PM

Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the U.C. Davis police department.
A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.

Heard on the Jimmy Kimmel Live Show

Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now.

Heard on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

I don’t think it’s healthy how the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn’t spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family.

Heard on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia “The Phantom Tollbooth,” while Malia bought Barack “Economics for Dummies.”

rickoff · #**342** (**permalink**) 12-02-2011, 10:15 PM

Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.

Heard on The Conan Obrien Show

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And in front of that is a 400-pound gingerbread “foreclosed” sign.
In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.”

Heard on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.”

rickoff · #**343** (**permalink**) 12-06-2011, 05:09 PM

Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Unemployment is down. People are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact, Herman Cain applied at Domino's and Pizza Hut.

Heard on Late Show With David Letterman

Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.

Heard on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.

Heard on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Now that he's back home, Cain has a huge to-do list for himself, such as cleaning out the garage and living in it.

rickoff · #**344** (**permalink**) 12-20-2011, 04:36 PM

Heard on the Late Show With David Letterman

I was at the airport and it was so cold out there that to keep warm the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants!

Mad Scientist · #**345** (**permalink**) 12-28-2011, 03:17 AM

In the year 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

rickoff · #**346** (**permalink**) 02-07-2012, 02:02 PM

Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it's now all Jesus’ fault.
Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don't know if it would really work.
Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he's not concerned with the very poor. I don't think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.
The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.

Heard on the Late Show With David Letterman

Sad news for Mitt Romney. He drove out of Florida with a live gator strapped to the roof of his car.

Heard on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

The Super Bowl halftime show is one the most amazing feats of engineering. The crew has less than 20 minutes to deploy a complex system of rigging, cranes, and pulleys. And once they get Madonna in her corset, they have to put up the stage.

rickoff · #**347** (**permalink**) 02-20-2012, 07:56 PM

rickoff · #**348** (**permalink**) 02-24-2012, 11:03 PM

rickoff · #**349** (**permalink**) 02-28-2012, 04:43 AM

Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he's ever given.
President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, "My presidency isn't over yet, and I've still got five more years." Even his predictions are over budget.

Heard on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace "hope and change." He's thinking of going with "I am not Mitt Romney."

Heard on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.

b_rads · #**350** (**permalink**) 04-25-2012, 06:33 PM

ONLY A MAN

WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Black Sheep Bill · #**351** (**permalink**) 04-29-2012, 04:42 PM

I really enjoy reading the posts from Godspark. When I am having a crappy day I come for a quick visit to this thread. Thanks for the laughs and please don't stop!

aljhoa · #**352** (**permalink**) 05-22-2012, 01:15 AM

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
It's Hell to be Old

Al

rickoff · #**353** (**permalink**) 08-14-2012, 04:39 PM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

rickoff · #**354** (**permalink**) 08-22-2012, 04:06 PM

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an immensely obese woman whose legs could no longer bear her own weight approached the moving walls in an oversized, motorized wheel chair and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Quick - Go get your Mother!'

aljhoa · #**355** (**permalink**) 09-10-2012, 04:16 PM

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship.
Ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck,
hunting,
camping and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me.

Contact K9.com

Al

socratus · #**356** (**permalink**) 09-13-2012, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grace

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important to have a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important to have a man that makes you laugh.

3. It is important to have a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a man that loves and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

. . . the sixth tip for a woman
Aids Awareness - YouTube

rickoff · #**357** (**permalink**) 10-16-2012, 02:15 AM

rickoff · #**358** (**permalink**) 11-20-2012, 12:22 AM

One day, a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very revealing nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want!'

So he tied her up, and after thinking about what he might want to do, ---

--- he went golfing!

rickoff · #**359** (**permalink**) 12-12-2012, 03:42 PM

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

rickoff · #**360** (**permalink**) 12-21-2012, 10:19 PM

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?

Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

What! God exclaims: You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!

God insists: Send him back or I'll sue!

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?