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Parenting - Paying it Backwards!

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  • Parenting - Paying it Backwards!

    Hello all

    This may cause some resistance and emotional reaction in some people, but after the last few days (I've come across several cases that stem from this issue), I feel inspired to post my view on this.

    It seems that a large part of the world has some of the main responsibilities of Parenting backwards!

    Some of the core teachings I'm referring to are:

    * You owe your parents respect, love and loyalty
    * You owe your parents gratitude for everything they do for you

    ... And many, many parents control their children with guilt.

    Here's what I believe to be the truth:

    * Children are born with a blank slate, and the adults who raise the child, write on that slate of WHO that child IS.

    * It is a parent's job to protect, nurture, support, guide and unconditionally love their child. It is the parent's responsibility to build that child's Self Esteem and Self Worth, so that the child grows into a happpy, secure, well-balanced, confident adult who is well-equipped to succeed in Relationships, Career, Finances, and in looking after themselves generally - because they've been programmed with the belief that they genuinely deserve to be happy.

    * You can't grow a strong, healthy tree by kicking and damaging the sapling. You cannot raise a strong, healthy and successful adult by treating the child with disrespect and sabotaging his self esteem and self worth.

    * If a child is raised with Love, Compassion, Respect, Guidance and Understanding; and if the parent sets the example of how they would like the child to behave and speak (children learn how to be, primarily by automatically copying the significant adults in their lives) the child will Automatically show love, respect, loyalty and love to their parents. It will come naturally and because the child wants to, not out of guilt or fear.

    * It's a natural instinct for a child to show love, respect, and loyalty to his parent. He's born with it. If he doesn't show these qualities, there is something wrong with what the parents are doing.

    * The only person you are responsible for, apart from yourself, is your own child. Parents are repsonsible for their children, not the other way 'round.

    The fact that most parents have no intention of damaging their children, and are only misguided and reacting to their own upbringing - does not diminish the damage. It does not make it in any way acceptable.

    When someone kills a pedestrian, the fact that they weren't taught to drive properly, does not undo the death.

    What we can do about it is, once we realise the truth, we can stop the cycle. We can start to reverse the flow. We can start to pay the respect forward, to our children, and let go of the guilt passed to us by our own parents.

    Pack Your Bags, We're Going On a Guilt Trip:

    I believe Guilt is the most common (and toxic) form of control parents use against their children. And the problem is that the very nature of guilt is that the victim feels too guilty to object to it - and to name it as a guilt trip! Guilt has a built-in protection against detection!

    I once heard a parent lay a guilt trip on her (teenage) child about shielding her with her own body when they were in danger, when the child was a todler. This made the teenager feel guilty, and she completely bought into the guilt. But, as someone else pointed out wouldn't ANY parent do that? - wouldn't that teenager, herself have done that for her own child? ..... it's basic instinct..... most adults, parents or not, would risk their life to save a child... or a dog!

    It is not something the child (or dog lol ) should be made to feel guilty about. It is not beyond the call of duty for a parent to protect their child at all costs!

    What this guilt trip does is imprint upon the child that she is unworthy of being shown such selfless love, and should feel grateful for it! It is not something she deserves automatically.

    This parent's point was that she'd sacrificed so much for her child, she'd even risked her life for her, so how could the child be so ungrateful. In other words, it doesn't matter what you feel or think - I risked my life for you and sacrificed for you and you owe me, so you should do as I say regardless.

    Parents are SUPPOSED to look after their children, and if that means sacrificing, well that's part of the job description. It does not mean the child owes the parents Anything! That child will only owe their OWN children, if they have them.

    Parents need to EARN the child's respect, loyalty and love - by treating the child with respect, loyalty and love. NOT the other way around (which is the way most of us are raised!) Parents can earn the child's respect, loyalty and love by DEMONSTRATING it - and the child will naturally show those qualities! No guilt trips needed!

    The first step towards dealing with a guilt trip is to recognise it!

    * If someone is asking you to do something that makes you feel bad, in order to prevent them from feeling bad, it's a GUILT TRIP.

    * If you feel hesitant to say no because you'll hurt their feelings - and they'll make sure you know it, it's a GUILT TRIP.

    * If you feel bad because someone is claiming that their happiness depends on you, it's a GUILT TRIP.

    Here's the Truth:

    * Every person is repsonsible for their OWN happiness.

    * Your responsibility is to YOURSELF and your own children!

    * Every person has a CHOICE about how they react to something. You can't MAKE someone feel anything.

    If you choose not to share your life with your parents there's a REALLY good reason for that. It is a child's natural instinct to Want to share with their parents. If they don't, there is something wrong with the way the Parents are!!

    If your parents choose to behave in a way that makes you feel bad, then you have Every Right to avoid putting yourself through that! You need to protect yourself. If you have children, then you also have a responsibility to protect your children. But you do NOT have a reponsibility to protect or pander to your parents.

    If they choose that behaviour, and you then choose to not expose yourself to it, then everyone is making their own choices. It is then their choice as to how they react and feel.

    If in any doubt, ask yourself: "Would I do that to my child?" or "Would I say that to anyone?"

    Most parents are oblivious to the damage they do to their children. They have good intentions but are misguided and misinformed - mainly because of their own upbringing. But, as mentioned above, this does not undo the damage.

    Paying it Backwards:

    The setup at the moment, generally involves adults with issues dating back to the way they were raised, feeling guilt and debt to their parents, and unknowingly taking their issues out on their children. Passing gratitude and respect back up the line to their parents, and dumping the issues down the line, onto their children. This is unintentional of course, and only due to the fact that they've been programmed to do this

    Imagine switching it round. Paying it forward. Paying the respect and unconditional love forward to the children, and responsibility for issues, backwards, where they came from!

    Imagine a whole generation growing up with High Self Esteem and High Self Worth.

    Imagine a generation of new adults who feel so good about themselves that they don't need to bring others down to feel better; who feel so good about themselves that they are comfortable with showing love, respect and support for others; who feel so good about themselves, that they allow themselves to succeed in all areas of their lives. Imagine these people running countries and businesses. Imagine these people being responsible for our world.

    Love and Light and Magic xxx
    Reprogram Your Subconscious to Achieve Conscious Goals. Now you can try PATHS for Free!
    Please pop in to my new: Law of Attraction Tools Blog - It would be Wonderful to see you there!
    Free Trial - Bob Proctor Coaching Program

  • #2

    Illusions, I have read your very, very good post! I have not heard this before, and yes, If I had children I would do things differently. I even see how people I know who have children do the kinds of damaging things that I went through, and I get angry and would never do that.

    But what about people like me, who don't have children? Where do we put that new behaviour? Who do I pay it fowards to?

    Sorry if that sounds like a silly question, but this is a new concept to me.


    P.S....interesting, I just noticed that you posted this thread the day after my birthday. (not that you knew, just interesting)
    Last edited by VJoy; 10-11-2008, 10:32 PM.
    Blessings and Peace to All --Val


    • #3
      Hi Val

      But what about people like me, who don't have children? Where do we put that new behaviour? Who do I pay it fowards to?
      YOURSELF!!!!! You give that respect, unconditional love, loyalty, support, Self Esteem and Self Worth boosting, and did I mention respect...that SHOULD have been given to you by your parents.... to YOURSELF!!!

      And it is NOT a silly question at all - far from it! It's an EXCELLENT question!!! And I know it will help others as well, so thank you for asking it because I hadn't thought of mentioning it.

      I would go so far as to say that EVERY issue in an adult's life can be traced back to the way they were treated as a child - whether it was deliberate or not! Because EVERYTHING is rooted in Self Esteem and Self Worth. Everything you achieve and don't achieve, the way others treat you, financial issues, health issues, relationship issues, career issues... EVERYTHING is coloured by the state of your Self Esteem and Self Worth - because, even not taking into consideration the LOA for the moment, on a purely "down-to-earth" level - the way a person behaves, the decisions they make, the choices they make, the way they are with others, the opportunities they notice and the ones they don't see, the things they're prepared to attempt and the things they don't believe they have a chance of achieving, the inspiration and excitement they feel because they believe they can do something, and the fear they feel of failing ...and of course the way they treat themselves ..... all come from subconscious beliefs about WHO they are, and what they believe about themselves. So OBVIOUSLY that is going to affect EVERYTHING in their lives from finances to romantic relationships and everything in between.

      If you don't have children, it is your responsibility to be the Parent to Yourself that your parents SHOULD have been. Your only responsibility is to treat yourself the way your parents should have treated you. Protect yourself from the guilt trips, heal the child in you by acknowledging that the way in which she was treated was WRONG - no excuses no reasoning. She needs to hear YOU acknowledge that she is innocent, and has been all along.

      You should have had it programmed into you in childhood that YOU are the most important person, the most Valuable person, the most FABulous and Treasured person in the world as far as your parents were concerned. That didn't happen, so now you have to do that for Yourself!

      You can forgive your parents later. You can recognise that they did the best they could and didn't mean to do damage etc. AFTER you've first given the child in you the acknowledgement that she WAS wronged, and she should NOT have had to have gone through that!

      I've detailed more about the healing in the thread "My Apology" - for others who may read this and want to know more.

      Love and Light and Magic xxx
      Last edited by illusions; 10-12-2008, 11:14 AM.
      Reprogram Your Subconscious to Achieve Conscious Goals. Now you can try PATHS for Free!
      Please pop in to my new: Law of Attraction Tools Blog - It would be Wonderful to see you there!
      Free Trial - Bob Proctor Coaching Program


      • #4

        What a wonderful post Illusions and everything so true , being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world but nothing thats really worth having in life comes easy.

        My wife and i both had a lot of baggage from our childhood and we were young parents at 20 & 21 and it was a constant internal fight within ourselves over the years not to transfer any of this to our boys , our mantra and motto to ourselves was to "break the chain in this generation"

        So yes everything you have written is spot on and it would make an excellent contribution to any book or guide on parenting.