I havent posted for a bit. Just wanted to say hi...I havent forsook the M.E. wave. I think much clearing is needed for me to see...well... more clearly. I 'll explain the root of my worries around M.E. at some point Im sure as its not completely surrendered.

I was trying to think though, how to encapsulate what I have been learning from my attraction/aversion to this quantum LOA wisdom on morphic field sterroids(sp?)...namely Matrix Energetics. Then I heard/thought this stern sounding parental voice say "mind your matter!"

I am getting more and more aware that I am bobbing around on the tops of these emotional waves in an ocean of feelings...up, down, forward, back. And the amzing thing is that I am seeing that life is reflecting back to me (or my filters ficticiously create) corroberating data in my mind..or experience to support whatever it is I am feeling. Thats just classic LOA I know but it feels as if its getting much stronger making it much more important to tame the emotional sea...I think theres much to be said for emotional mastery in this energetic realm.

I had a few fearful thoughts about the M. E. stuff while I was reading and then I saw all this "evidence" to match those worries. But then i am also feeling a bit more of a connection to my Inner Guidance system that tells me stuff like "mind your matter" and I'm not sure (clear enough) yet which "voice" is whos at times. Well most times.

I also had the awareness that thinking/feeling something in my own head is one thing...writting down my thoughts and feelings in an internet forum for all to see (and to live on for who knows how long)....well thats maybe more LOA that I want/need to deal with right now. I have always wondered what sort of added creative LOA power is attached to art and writting. I am sure creating some work of art with an intent (concious or not) must have a quality of strengthening that intent. (not at all saying my posts are "art" but apparently given the energy [and length] I put in them ... it might serve me to channel that into some other creative outlets.) Gardening for one.

Anyway I had 5 days of serious Z-point clearing last week. I have been feeling much better. There is much more to do but I hit a point where I felt soo diferent I needed to stop for a bit and let all the parts of me catch up or refuse. There are so many layers of these false beliefs and feelings. Employing the sub/superconcious to work for me like this I think is a huge and (effective) leap ahead! AND I feel like I am finally cooperating with the Successful Living module I am on. I bet that module supercharges any of these healing "modalities" being talked about here. M.E. seems like yet another leap forward.... I seem to be working on clearing all the ways I dont feel like I deserve what it(or the others) has to offer...happiness, healing, miracles, love, joy, God, or an avenue for me to give back. Among countless other things. Life in my job gave me a metaphor the other day that I may need to focus concentrated energy on clearing those blocks before I can reconnect with the "flow"... and then I can make those leaps forward into the flowery field of my dreams. My untended garden of late however has many weeds to be pulled first.

Is see too that in so many ways M.E. and all this quantum theory is very congruent with the Eastern Indian spirituality/philosophies that I barely "understand" so far. On one level I have not let myself dive deeply into that realm because of this feeling of unworthiness I have created around all things in such a spiritual package. That is partly whats liberating about M.E., that it dosent have this organized religiosity wrapped around it with all these customs and rituals.(as long as I dont put it there). I wonder if what Richard dose in the workshops isnt similar to what I have heard of as shaktipat? Where an enlightend master is able to convey to a seeker a trancendent experience of ones own inner Self (the God Self) through a touch or even a look...or at times the reading of a book written by them that is filled with their Shakti/Energy... or Morhic Field? And that experience sometimes can bring about kryas(sp?) like one having sponaneous fits of yoga postures or movements. From what I understand shaktipat can be the begining unfoldment of ones spiritual awakening and purification process leading to a realization of the God inside (us all) .. thats a pretty simplistic discription. I dont know if one can really describe such things if they havent experienced it (or even if they have). But some of what I am reading from others experiences in M.E. is making me think of this.

Anyway I am going back to the ME book piece by piece. ITs funny a few pages after I stopped reading Richard addresed some of my worries. I need to learn to keep moving forward through these resistances. That ego/control part of me dosent want to give up the flat world it has me living on that easily. Even though its such an outdated world view...

So next time maybe I'll wait till I finish reading the whole thing before I try and give my book report. Just wait till you all see my Matrix Energetics Diarama!!!

Blake

Post Script: I also have a "food thing" I think. It may not be as medical but one of the things I am struggling with is how I use food and sugar (and B&J's ice cream) as a drug. I am having a hard time thinking it could be for me like alcohol or drugs is for other "addicts". The whole addict mind though I think I am getting. The defensive stance, an irrational protective layer, avoidance of all things feeling, and the negaivity. Even with out "drugs" or alcohol I seem to have all the other symptoms of the "disease". I also really have a hard time believing it is a "disease" as we use the term medically. But then M.E. tears that whole thing to shreads so to speak too.

I just know I have been resisting doing a 12 step program around it because of the ridgid structure and surrender involved. I think I am also still looking for the "easier softer way". Anyone have thoughts about addiction as it applies to all this "new thought" and also PATHS.