hello,
well as you know my boy is in grade 7...
and he has skipped school for the second time today
tells me he needs quiet time to think about things...
he tells me how he feels attacked by me... and how he can't stand it when we fight...
and i will threaten things... obviously i don't follow through and they only stay as threats.... something that i obviously need to change....
if i say it, then i need to follow through...
he has been very angry....
and at me, and as i am applying the Ho'oponopono to this too... (when i remember, and when it can complete it, without interuption)..
much more often, making it a habit....
the interesting thing is, it is mirroring things to me.
when i was a kid, i felt i had to be certain way or else i would loose things... then there came a point that no longer cared and simply said **** you to the world and my parents... did i wanted, threaten and take it all away , i didn't care any longer..
ended up in alot of trouble...
How do i stop this cycle???
How do i do something different???
How do i give him what he needs???
Hmmm, interesting theme coming up for me lately, the thing about giving...
when i was dating that guy... as well with my son... the thing about giving popped up for me...
and the other end of that is the part of me who desires to have people in my life and to be able to let people into my life, to let people see me.. to share who i am with others...
well...
there seems to have been a block in this area... and there appears to still be...
seems so instinctive to go back to this mind set, this way of being...(closed, protective, untrusting, defensive)
not all of those all the time, and it is much better.
not sure why i am writting this all, cuz i don't really have a point.
I found Tristan in an alley way, hiding...
I want to help him, yet am not sure how to... without going back to my old ways, once things have smoothed out.
I deeply desire to give to him, to give of me, to soo many..
and yet... something in me isn't allowing it...
however in all of this... he has just had his door removed... for his continous door slamming...
so what comes to me, is tough love, yet stil loving him.. and being kind, not nice.
which is another interesting thing...
cuz it is like in those moments of fear and being "nice" opposed to kind... I am afraid... afraid of rejection... afraid of something... Ah, perhaps afraid of the outcome... which could be violence... which i have experienced and don't so much care for... afraid of being left (perhaps emotionally as well)...
quit a big load to place on a child...
I know i resisted it.. and felt like i was my mothers parent
and have at times said to my dad to go get a coucellor or asked him if he had friends he could tak to about this.
and at one time i was embarrased to admit these things...
however so much of it has been unconscious
however becomng aware of it now
looking to get our "needs" met through other people...
like sarrogate parents through our kids...
there is much written about this
or sarrogate spouses...
although it is a lable...
and i have many new awarenesses about who i truely am...
and how powerful i am....
this is stuff that just creeps up to my consciousness
and felt inspired to write about it
it isn't useful...
so if you see anything that could use corrections... please do when it suits you...
however... thanks for all who have read, and listened...
and all is well... getting to go within.
And of course Matrix it too... which is so awesome too...
that is also becoming much clearer for me
I hope this helped somebody out there.
Love and Light...Adrienne
also not suprised this has popped up, cuz of what is being shifted within... blocks need to be removed to be free from self to move in the direction i desire...
Really it's all patterns in the field