Blake,

My heart goes out to you.

Grace does very powerful work here. I've been the recipient of some of it!

In the meantime, you might want to check out this thread Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas

It is all about the ways that traumatic past events can make it challenging to "bust loose" and create happy & joyful illusions in the hologram of life, use LOA to one's advantage, however you want to call it....

I have made great strides from using my platinum module along the lines of the information in that thread. If you don't feel like going through all of it, you might want to read just these particular posts:
Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas
Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas
Interesting links for PSTD, "happy childhood" module ideas

And I know it is easier said than done, but please forgive yourself for those needy feelings. It isn't really "you" or it wouldn't frustrate you so much. The joyful you is there and always has been there. I know you will find YOU!

Hang in there!