Hello again.

Id like to ask for some help clearing or correcting what I think might be a core block to moving on and up for me. (?)

I know I am far from the only one with a painful past and I have heard much more harrowing stories than mine. I can appreciate i am lucky in many ways but I have a hard time staying there and this stuff I feel is still doing a number on me subconciously.The Busting Loose book seems to have a radical shift in perspective that completely deletes the idea of victumhood. I need help in getting there and holding its "teachings".

I grew up in a alcoholic family with a g-pa and extended family members who molested their children and grandchildren. I got memories of the abuse when I was in my early twenties and wasnt sure if it was for real. But my life started crumbling after. From what I remember it only happened to me on holidays and family celibrations when wed visit the grand folks. It would happen at night often after ruckus drunken family parties. After some healing I made the mistake (?) and had a family meeting to confront my grandfather and see if it was for real. As one might suspect it didnt go well but one person was for the time not in the family denial. When it was over I had corroberating stories from an Aunt who never forgot her abuse. I learned more than I wanted to know and with more time watching my family from afar I really dont think any one < Mother, aunts, uncles and all their kids escaped the direct hand of g-pas abuse...let alone the fall out (addictions ect.)

I really shut down after that. I think because, with it validated and I couldnt deny my anger any more... And I didnt do anything like angry. I was such the nice little mammas boy, people pleaser, peace maker. So total shut down... and the real beginings of coping (stuffing ) with food and solo sex and depression kicked in big time. Homelessnes (shelters) were on again and off again before and after this because I was unable to maintain a job. I let my fears and feelings take over then.... and I really dont think I have totally reclamed myself yet.

My mother also died when I was sixteen. She and I were really close...perhaps unhealthy close...and that grief and her unresolved parental curses are still swimming in my subconcious and parts of my life.

I have to say, I am zillions of times better now though. I dont think its enough anymore but I have been living so much more in the here and now all ...Its so rare that I unpack this story anymore. I am a bit wary of doing it now but I want to begin the REAL clean up and learn how to "Bust Loose" from it. I have been working steady -and well- with the same job for over three years now which is a total success for me.Perhaps not my life carrer but a good fit for now. I feel like I have been trying not to bring all my past into this new growth. But I guess Im seeing its all wrapped up in my "now" wether I pay attention to it or not... Until I choose to do the work to delete it from my reality. I have a bit of extra resources to start some real inner work now and I'm planning for The Matrix workshop in Seattle in March.

Thank you for listening to all that...Here are my questions/requests.

Can you help me figure out (and release) my fears of moving on and being happy. Letting myself love and be loved and grow into my strengths and Joy? I some how think Ive concluded being "happy" is joining my drunken,partying denial ridden family (not like I'm not there with them like this in my own "addictions" and pain) But I think theres a survivors guilt or a feeling of betrayal to all still suffering (including myself) if I decide to move on. Also I think there might be some anger at mom dying so Im holding myself hostage to try and get her back...? Rationally I know I am no use to anyone while wallowing in my pain but the pain is "safe". Maybe I also think if I live the pain well enough and deep enough The abusers will see the effects of their ways and "come around"...thats a silly dream. I guess I am still waiting to be rescued? ironically I isolate and hardy ever talk to family. I am very much the hermit. So whos going to even know where to find me if they thought it their duty to save me? I'm smart enough now to know that its ultimately going to be me ... and (as) God...who dose the saving. That iiizzz really hard to let sink in and act upon when Ive been steeped in victimhood for soo long.

One other question is... do you think that addiction-even if I'm just using food (sugar!) and sex- could be short circut-ing my attemps to break free or even let in the PATHS programing? The mental part of addiction feels like an inner skipping record or closed loop that unless broken cant let in new info or ways of thinking or chart other courses into new territory. In my experience its felt like it creates its own learning disability. I havent heard addiction addressed much in esm/PATHS. I may have missed it. I'm not a good (very consistent reader). It seems the mental aspect of long term numbing out could be a big handicap to really getting and applying all this LOA, mind over matter, busting loose stuff. I know, "argue for your limitations and they are yours".

You know how Busting Loose talks about those strategically placed eggs that can be the key supports of my illusions main frame inner structure...i think how I use food or solo sex (sounds less whimpy to me than "masterbating"... clearly an egg in that) to medicate life could be some core egg action. Ive been using food and sex really as a replacement for... oh say....everything... relationships, honest communication(i.e.intimacy), asking for help, self care, a true God connection..LOVE!

There is a very structured 12 step food program called FA (food addicts in recovery anonomys). Ive dabbled in it but have been out most of this year. I have been bucking the authority-ness of it. I also feel the 12 steps are a phase one deal for most people...not the whole truth ( and soo much identifying with the problem, but maybe those are the ones not fallowing well the suggestions?...like me). I also think it has the potential, if applied correctly and with awareness to be a phase two process. ??? FA is all encompassing and pretty strict. They have the view that flour and sugar can be for them as destuctive and deadly as alchohol is to an alcoholic.

I know the structure, and support, and accountability/integrity building, and ego busting (from the surrender to fallowing a sponsors "suggestions" -rather than my phase one brain- provided my sponsor is in phase two) are all part of what I think I need to move forward on my spiritual path. I just dont know if the 12 step FA package is the best place for me to learn these things...could you test it for me...see if its the right fit. When i did it for a while I really felt as if i'd joined a monestary but got to keep my day job and friends! It felt oddly very spiritual. If it is a stong fit maybe I'd have better luck doing it again with needed corrections to my conciouseness?

Any module suggestions would be greatly appreciated as well. i have recently acquired two more packages to create a luxurious! abundant! 12 modules in total!!! That was a leap of faith right there.

I am deeply greatful Grace that you offer to do all this for so many... I know you see the you in all of us and it brings you joy. I havent read all the pages here yet...only 5 or six so far so maybe you've addresed this somewhere here already, but from what I understand an energy exchange helps (is important?) in me recieving the most benifit of any kind of "healing" work. Is that old paradigm thinking? I feel its still true for me. I would like to offer you something for your help. Money (my appreciation) is my first thought...?

Well theres a mouth full. Hopfully this will help others also. I still think its sooo wierd you all (and everything) are me...in my conciousness..my own creation. I have only gotten to the process description in BL (which i have to say was a bit of a downer...I was soo pumped up and on board until it says my liberation is in my pain...yah move into my fears and feel the pain, embrace the discomfort for in it is my power...that must be why I am still feeling so stuck. Most of my choices are about minimizing and neutralizing all the feelings I dont like or make me uncomfortable.... It did make me think of my numbing habbits (addictions) and how not in my feelings they tend to keep me. What a trap that must be... to stay in phase one. Well there we go I have my answer. I need to keep reading though. I tried the process once on some shame and didnt feel anything-as he said would happen in the begining ...right now I'm feeling the illusion of embarrasment for "taking up so much space" writing soo much. I could try it on this.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll get less needy the more I bust my eggs. I will this time hit subit reply and let this go. Trust and move forward...go get dinner.

thanks for your love. Blake