Well, I certainly need Deserving.

I watched it once and the inner negative voice started to loudly complain. This part of me is very "sour grapes." My inner negative self is getting quite worn out by the successful living module, but it seems to really rail against the Deserving module!

I realized that my coping mechanism to get out of the pain of past trauma was always the "sour grapes" defense. I would look at what the other person had that I did not have (and often these were intangibles, such as more supportive friends or family, rather than material things) and make myself feel better by saying "well, what they have must be bad, because if it is good, I can't handle the arbitrariness of them having it and not me."

I believed I was powerless to just easily have an uncomplicated, relatively happy and painless life, because I didn't see the others doing anything to deserve it any more than I was doing. So, there had to be a "logical reason." When I was a child, I did not understand certain truths such as like attracting like, so I made up other "logical" reasons to explain and cope with the world.

I decided that things I wanted, desirable things, must be "bad," because I couldn't make them happen for me to save my life. I saw others having them, so I decided that they must have been doing something "wrong" to get it. So then, if I decided I still wanted one of those "bad" desirable things, I had to have a whole maze of struggles and difficulties before I would let myself have it.* And if something good just fell in my lap, you could bet money on it that I would psychically sabotage it. You see, I got all of my ego strength from telling myself that I was "different" from all those "bad" people out there with the happier lives!

*And of course, I would never let myself have it, because then what would I do with myself? I wasn't equipped to live life through anything other than the paradigm that "people who get the goodies are bad, and the good people live a life of emotional poverty."

This is how I have created just about every dissatisfaction in my life, and why I have struggled more with habituating the Successful Living module than any other module.

Probably the most painful way that my belief system of undeservingness has manifested in my life is in all types of relationships-- family, friends, work, and dating. I now see how any one of those could have been successful, but I believed that it would have made me a "bad person" had these been successful relationships. So I made them go awry in a multitude of ways to maintain my identity as "superior" to all those "idiots" and "bad" people who had pleasant, happy relationships.

At this point, I am not really confident that any of my current human interactions is capable of overcoming the months or years of "struggle" energy I put into it. I fear that my belief that if any of them magically started to go well would make me a bad person set in motion things that I cannot now undo with a change in my core belief structure, but I'm open to hope so.