HI,
Well, i am awake at 6:00am cuz my son is sick and woke up coughing.... chest cold and the first thoughts that come to me are ****... this is gonna affect ME as in Adrienne.

cuz now i have to stay home from work and take care of him... and my logic is "if things could just run smoothly and i can keep it together and nothing interfers with that"

Like as if it dictates who i am, if i can meet the needs of my employer ...just to keep them happy with me (very negative, guilting invironment... as well as if ya are there for them the way they need you to be then they like you...)

It's like i am always waiting and chasing that moment where things will be, OK and fit this picture i have in my head.... logically I know this ain't a reality that exisits.. but GOD, i find myself going back to that thinking Again and again and again... it's driving me nuts... it is an illusion that if things run smoothly that i'll be secure...
I am becoming very aware of how i have my sense of security wrapped up in my job, money, relationships, family... those are the things that are becoming apparent to me in a huge way...

I have recently attracted this women into my life who said to me "adrienne your trying sooo hard" and that is really popping up for me all over now... i am trying so hard to be perfect and good... WHY? ...if i am already these things...??

And it is proving to be challenging me hardcore....

i am always trying sooo hard to be liked, to be loved, to be wanted... so many things, approved of, accepted...
and usually when stuff like this happens with ups and downs of life... i bear it and get back in the saddle again...
but what freakin saddle???

It's like i'm trying to freakin fit....


Maggie that is an amazing poem about "inbetween"
I cried....
It's like i keep trying to manage and manipulate things to work, instead of allowing them to work out the way they are supposed too..

and through all of this... my left side of my back, hips
and shoulder have been sooooo tight and painful... I am taking pain killers again... mostly when i sleep...

I have really noticed too that I have been beating the crap out of myself... really hard on myself...neglecting myself, Not nice to myself at all... Freakin punishing myself....
I have been contemplating the Ho'Oponopono modual.. and also making excuses for why not now....cuz my life needs to be able to handle it... lol, Ya right...
I have heard that sometimes our lives have to fall apart so that it can be put back together the way it is intended to be, instead of what i may have tried to make it be...
And yes I am venting, but also crying out to the universe....HELP ME...
And this is not meant to be a whining session either....

I was doing some focused, being the silence meditation/work (it takes work for me) Some may know it as the process from busting loose.... this is what came up for me.
I have so often if not almost always been dishonest and closed, cuz I am terrified of being seen....MUST HIDE at all costs, so in doing this process and staying with me I really felt this stuff.... not sure if i'm getting across what i am trying to share....
perhaps more awareness of how I isolate, withdraw, act like i know it all kind of stuff.

I think in short....letting go, trust, knowing nothing, getting out of the way.... will free me.... as they also piss me off... cuz i have so many beliefs around how things should be... and how trusting know one is the #1 rule to survive...so therefor know one can see the real me...
logically, like in my head , i get that this is useless.. but it hasn't gotten to my heart or wherever that place is that really gets it and beleives it.

BTW, I love my son so much I really don't mind taking care of him, it's just being a single mom, I am expexted to do it all....
And then the pressure of ok, do i leave him home alone while he's sick and then he doesnn't take care of himself, but now i have the money to pay rent and buy groceries or do i stay home and have no idea how i am gonna put food on the table......and the list can go on, with how (depending on what choice i make..) things could go...

BTW, i am staying home to love and teach my child.... but am left feeling really insecure about things... and then i am angry inside... and sure he gets the impression it's his fault....

And perhaps this is where i try to hard....

I think it would be also benificial to go onto the syncronicity modual too for me..... i was a test subject for that one and WOW, it was great and i was in the momnet alot....

One more thing... It has been a common practice for me in my life to run to someone to make decisions for me... or i'd always run to someone for answers instead of looking within or trusting myself.... and lately i have started to stop myself and look within... take the chance of making my own decision instead of feeling like the puppet of others or the herd... it's kind of scary and cool all at the same time.... and i have no idea what will happen either, when i listen the best i can to what is being said inside me...

Thanks for taking the time for reading my minnie book i just wrote...

peace and gratitude.. Adrienne